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The only way I can tell you who I am is to share with you what God has done in my life! The only reason I feel a need to share such personl pains and victories is because there is always someone out there waiting on the other side of your story...who may be going through the same thing or maybe just someone that needs to know how real God is and that He's still in the miracle business! He can take a really messed up life and make something valuable come out of it all! which is exactly what I needed...my parents divorced when I was 2. Soon after that transition, I was repeatedly sexually abused by a relative. Because I was so young..I didn't know how to tell anyone what was happening because I wasn't sure what it was..I just knew I didn't like it. So I bottled all of that anger and confusion up inside of me and began drinking and smoking at age 7. By the time I hit junior high...I had become a full blown alcoholic...I dabbled some in drugs..a little weed..a little blow..here and there..but alcohol was by far, my drug of choice! Being an alcoholic...blackouts became normal to me. It was during one of these blackouts after a Homecoming dance at age 16 that I awoke to find myself laying half naked on blood stained sheets...I had been date raped after I passed out and my virginity was viciously stolen from me. I was humiliated and ashamed...it absoluteley broke my heart because I wanted to give it away..not have it stolen from me. This incident caused me a great deal of pain and heartache, however it didn't slow me down in my wildlife and I continued to live life as the "Ultimate Party Girl"! I simply pushed all the hurt deep down inside and burried it. I continued to endanger myself and within a year or so of the first rape..I was raped again durning another blackout at another party. Everyone new about it which made it more embarassing and I felt like somehow it was my fault...because I was so drunk all of the time. Ladies..I don't care how drunk you are..no one has a right to lay a hand on you! I mean ever! If I had it to do over again...I would have reported everything that happened to me but I was young, dumb and very naive! The more pain I suffered..the more I partied and ran away from it all! It's a vicious cycle that never ends...you can never run fast enough or far enough..eventually your pain will catch up with you! I remember coming to a point where I really wondered if there was more to life then just partying all the time...I felt like I was missing something but I wasn't sure what...Then one night I went to a bar for ladies night with a girlfriend of mine...and met this hot guy named Joel! We hooked up immediatley as in that night and we were so drunk we didn't even catch each others names...he had to look at my drivers liscence the next morning! Talk about embarassing! You say..Ewww..no kidding but that's the life I was living..what can I say? Anyhow, we continued to date for a couple of months when all of the sudden he switched on me! He started saying things like, "I can't live this way anymore...I need to live for Jesus agian"! I'm like, "Jesus, who? You freakin' loser!" It ended up that he had been raised in a good Chrisian home his entire life and had backslidden from the Truth! Well, I called my friends and was like this guy is a "Jesus-Freak"! What a total turn-off! He kept talking to me about Jesus and I was just not hearing it at all! I did start talking to God and just saying, "Jesus, if you're real..then show me"! Then one night I went to Joel's parents house and his dad showed me some scriptures in the Bible...I don't know what changed..but at that very moment..a light came on in my head and I realized for the first time...that He is real! I just couldn't wait to get out of there and be alone with God in my car. On the drive home that night, all by myself..I repented of my sins and the life I was living and asked Jesus to come into my heart and take over my life! The only way I can describe to you what happened that night is that I got a new heart...old things were passed away and all things became new! I'm not the same person I was back then...you see when you have an experience like this your appetites change....kind of like if you start eating healthy food for a month and then you try to go back and eat the old crappy foods again, it can make you feel kind of sick...why? Because you've changed...your appetite for junk changes...then you want to eat what makes you healthy and happy instead of destroying yourself! That's basically what happened..I was completely set free from my addictions..cigarettes, alcohol, pre-marital sex...it feels so good to not have something controling me anymore or dictating my life! The Lord has also healed me from the bitterness, hurt, shame, guilt and anger that I carried from a lifetime of sexual, emotional and physical abuse! With His help I was able to forgive my abusers. I'm so glad I saw the Truth for the first time and that I invited Him into my life that night! That was 15 years ago...by the way I married Joel, "the Jesus Freak" and we have 3 beautiful children together! I think if I wouldn't have accepted Christ that night...I would be dead today at the rate I was going back then. I would literally be lost without Him and what he did for me...he will do for you to if you just invite him in! He doesn't play favorites...and He only wants the best for you...if you want to know more or have questions..feel free to ask...I'm not some religious zealot sitting on a pompous high horse judging the universe...I'm simply a believer pointing people to the Truth! Oh and by the way..becoming a Christian doesn't mean that I don't have problems anymore..it just means that now I have hope, when before, I had none...now I have someone to turn to when the load gets heavy and I feel like I'm drowning in troubles...I guess the best way to put it is...I've found true peace.... Thanks for reading my story...xoxoxo
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