whisper the smile & [a song for layla]

I'd like to meet:

SMILE.
PHOTOGRAPHY.

Sara
6/15/07

JC
2/11/07

Anonymous
2/11/07

Anonymous
2/11/07

Ashley
2/8/07

Natalie
Friends
2/2/07

Alex D
2/1/07

Char Macpherson
1/29/07

Chrissy
1/29/07

STORIES.

Anonymous
5/7/07

i really love this site because i know from a first hand basis how if feels to be alone, depressed, and forgotten. Last year was a really hard year for me. it was my first year of highschool and basically all my closest friends went to a differnt school. i was basically left with no1. I know highschool is a time to make new friends but i couldnt seem to do that. I went into a horrible bit of depression mid year and was losing hope. My parents yelled at me constantly because of my declining grades and i went from bad to worse. I turned into a shell. I was so depressed i didnt eat or do anything except sleep and cry. In a sad attempt to end my life i stopped. Something inside me realized that it takes a weak person to die, but it takes someone with courage to live. I blame God for being with me that day because without his hand on my shoulder i would have ended my life then and there. From then on i changed. I made new friends and figured out feeling sorry for myself is not going to solve anything. God gave me my hope back. Without God i wouldnt be here and i wouldnt be the happy, healthy, person i am today. this is my story and i want others to find that speck of hope that i found that day. -best friend-

Molly
4/18/07

This story isn't mine. It's about someone else, about a girl named Rachel. A speaker came to my school to tell me about her. Rachel was the first person to die in the Columbine Highschool masacre. The story has nothing to do with her death, but how one kind act had saved a life. How one smile saved a life. At Rachel's funeral, this boy approached Rachel's brother, and told him about this story about he and Rachel: This kid was a bit of a loner. He was never happy with himself. The way he looked, walked, everything. He had no friends, no dreams, no aspirations. He wasn't a smart kid, and didn't have much going for him. Often he was abused and harrassed by his classmates. One day, Rachel was walking down the halls at Columbine High and saw a group of kids beating up on this kid. She literally threw her petite self between the two and demanded that if they wanted to continue to harrass him, they'd have to go through her. Rachel helped the boy up and walked him to his class, and then to her. Rachel didn't know this, but that kid had planned on ending his life that day after school. He had the neccessary materials, and had a suicide note written out. Rachel's kindness changed his mind.

Alex D
2/10/07
My Testimony/ Biography (Started Monday, July 25, 2005 7:55 pm)

When I was growing up, I lived in a mainly agnostic catholic family. Around third grade I was forced to go to CCD (A kind of catholic conformation class thing). I hated it, and the people at it didn't help at all. The teachers were so mean and forced allot of crap down our throats (I particularly remember yawning in class and being yelled at). I eventually went through all the stuff and finished it, not learning a thing at all. I didn’t think much about it, when I was younger, thoughts about life really didn’t matter to me. It was just another school-like thing I had to go through.
Other than that, my life from 1990 to 2005 consisted mainly of a few not so close neighborhood friendships and a lot of the regular childish stuff. I played a lot of video games and enjoyed time in summer recreation baseball leagues. I was always the kid who didn’t fit in, even with the other kids who didn’t fit in. I was consumed in my own self-pity, and I longed for something more….
Sometime in March of 2005, I got together with a bunch of really close friends from the past summer that I hadn't seen in a long time, and we had an overnight at a local summer camp (Indian Village) where I had originally been introduced to religion over the past few summers. We camped out in the main building that night, and by this time, I had started to wonder about faith and god again. Maybe I was ready to try it again and answer a void that I had felt for so long. So at this overnight we talked about allot of stuff, and we got to religion. There were 4 of us (Anna, David Signet, Dan Heitzmen and myself) at this time, everyone else being asleep. So we sat around the fire and talked about god and faith. One of the guys there was Atheist (Dan), and the other two people (Anna and David) were Christians. I was somewhere in the middle at this point, so I mostly listened as the two Christians talked to the Atheist guy. I was so moved by the passion and conviction the two had, what they where saying and talking about made so much sense. What particularly moved me was what David Signet said, “Even if you can prove life came from something like evolution, even if you can prove that the world was created by the big bang, you will always come back to the question of who or what started that, and if you can prove that, then who are what started that thing” It makes so much sense to me. So that weekend I let Anna take me to a home church meeting with her.

At this home church I talked with a bunch of people. Once again I was moved by how awesomely they spoke of Jesus and God. So many things made sense. I urged for this god so much, for his love, but something held me back still. That something vanished a few days later when I saw Seventh Day Slumber, Kids in The Way, and Skillet in concert. They put on a fun, good show. But then the lead singer of Seventh Day Slumber, Joseph Rojas, stopped in the middle of a song and started talking about the gospel, and how awesome god and Jesus are. His testimony was the most moving thing I had ever heard in my life: Here is this guy, who was on a 400$ a day cocaine addiction, totally sucked into a horrible life style. Nobody liked him; he was always the “fat kid” who never had any friends. So one day he decided to end his life. He over-dosed in his living room, and his mom walked in on him while he did it. She saw him and screamed for god to save him. Later as he was in the ambulance going to the hospital he felt God’s presence over him, something beyond what words can describe. He accepted Christ there in that ambulance. Ever since then he has been spreading the good news, and has dedicated his life to god. This man is someone who I have looked up to ever since I’ve heard this. I have talked with him via e-mail on numerous occasions, and his words inspire me every time I hear them. I ended up going back to that home church with Anna. I got a book from a guy named Brad called "The case for Faith" by lee Strobel. I read the whole thing the night I got it, and it was so powerful. It made so much sense to me. So many things where pointed out to me, so much about this book called my name. That night I accepted Christ as my savior. I feeling swept over me, one of peace, a feeling beyond words. I actually cried for the first time in along time that night, at first I cried because I wanted to be saved so much, but then I cried tears of joy, because I felt it. I felt this feeling that Anna, David, Joseph, Brad, all these people who took a genuine interest in me felt. About a month later, I went to an overnight with my good friend Danny, where I met a great group of people. We had a great time there, and a new friendship that has lasted to this day was being made then. I specifically remember chilling in a hot tub with Danny and a guy named Kevin, we ended up staying up the whole night and just talking about god, and it sure was a great night. This group of people continues to brighten my day and to stick with me, through it all, to this day. These people, “venturites” as they are sometimes called, took me in and helped to mold me to what I am today.
So there, I was saved. That was the prequel to an awesome life I was about to embark on. This life that I now faced was one filled with faith, hope, and love (1 Corinthians 13:13). I was ready to start over, with my Seventh Day Slumber CD in my CD player at my side, I could be something in this world, and hopefully change the world while I was at it. There was so much to come, so much to live for, so many times where I could feel like I belonged to something and someone. This was a time when I could truly find myself. This was a time when I lived through my lord and savior Jesus Christ.
So it was summer. I was at Indian Village like every summer, having so much fun doing what we do best there, swimming, canoeing, fishing, hiking, etc. I started to go to that home church with Anna on a regular basses. I learned so much there. People there where so laid back, and just a lot of fun. At camp I tried to live out my faith, but it was hard with people who aren’t Christians, I fell into some bad stuff, but nothing to bad, and over all came out of the summer not worse (or better) than I went into it, but now back to school, and back to the problems (after all, school seems to just make things worse right?). School brought along a lot of stuff, girls, work, being tired, but most importantly, Student Venture. Student Venture is a youth group type thing where we meet at a girl named Leslie’s house and chill in their garage/red barn and talk about god, worship, and pray. Along with Student Venture came a great group of people. For once I actually had a group of really good friends, with some girls even! It’s nice to know that it’s actually possible to be in a tight relationship with a girl and not have problems with liking them and that kind of stuff. God showed me this for the first time in my life now, and I have to say, it’s been amazing. People like Rachel, Kait, Kaitlyn, Leslie, Stephanie, and Lauren have truly been great friends to me. I have been able to talk with them about things I would have never talked to girls about before, and I must say, it’s good to have the opposite sex to talk with about things some times. Along with the girls came a great group of guys: Kevin, Nathan (Hicks), Nick, Joe, Nate (Lundquist), E.J., Mike, Kyong, Elliot and a renewed friendship with a long lost friend, Phil. We did so much together, camping, hiking, and just hanging out. Soon I was out all the time, feeling god’s power through some awesome fellowship. I’ve come to realize that fellowship is a key part in having a fulfilling walk with god, and a fulfilling life in general. Through this fellowship I learned things like dealing with gossip, secrets and the likes. Through the good and the bad times, we stayed together, and grew in Christ through Student Venture and each other. That school year I also found out some stuff about myself. I had a great need for female companionship. I never really felt it that much before, but now it was hitting me hard. There was a girl from the past few summers named Bethany (a.k.a “Dub Dub”) who I worked/volunteered with, and who I really liked, and who I had liked for along time. She was the “perfect girl for me” I thought for along time, someone who I lost a lot of sleep about. I have now come to realize that my love for her was so strong, but in a friendship way, that I was blinded by my own desires. I realized that God’s desire for her in my life was not what I wanted. I have no come to realize that she is to me that someone I can go to when I have no one left to go to, and she can do the same with me. Our relationship is a strong one, so strong I feel it can’t be destroyed, and my love for her will always remain, a love that surpasses many others, but that still falls short of God’s, and still falls short of a love that I know God has planned for me in the future. Another thing I learned throughout that school year was about companionship, as I joined (more like was invited) into a “small group” with my good friends Danny and Mike (Other people who where in our group at different points where Kyong- a foreign exchange student from Korea- and Joe). In this small group we talked about everything- problems with girls and girlfriends mainly, but also things like our daily devotional life and prayer requests for each other. We did a lot of outside activities like swimming, camping, sword fighting, and hiking when the weather was nice. Our friendship was awesome, and I always looked forward to small groups after school on Tuesday and on Sunday afternoon (normally our outdoor adventuring day). During that school year my priorities changed a lot compared to other points in my life. Instead of focusing all my time on myself and what I wanted to do, I shifted my time for others. That was one thing I was never really good at- being humble. My dad is a very proud man, who taught me (whether on purpose or not) the same thing. A lot of times when I was younger I was labeled as “bossy” or “demanding”. I quickly shed that attitude in high school, as I realized that attitude gets you nowhere. This change and strive to become more humble I practiced most for and around girls; I wanted it to be never about me. No matter the circumstance, girls came before me. This, I believe, is one of the most important things in life that we must realize- We as men must put ourselves second first to God and second to the service of women, we must treat them always with the utmost respect and love, whether we are in a personal relationship with them or not.
Some things I struggled with during my sophomore year in high school where typical for my age: Lust and swearing (being the main two). I also developed a hate for allot of things and people. I walked the hallways of my school downcast and not to happy with all the things that were going on around me; mainly just the overall sin people lived in. I got pretty depressed, not because my own things, but because of others. Along with becoming a Christian came the realization of a lot of things, and mainly how muffed up the world is. A friend of mine told me to “hate the sin not the people”. Very sound advice, it took me awhile to put that into practice, but eventually things began to change, I could actually be happy about things of the world some times. Instead of trying to avoid a lot of the sin around and in my life, I focused on becoming more like Christ, and I have found time and time again that that is the key to any problem, be like Christ. If you can do that, everything else falls into place, no exceptions.
Thoughts as of May 22 (?) 2006 10:16 p.m:
Well, first off, I came down to my basement computer, where I am now, after being in deep prayer with God about a lot of things, and I felt compelled to share this with anyone, and everyone who reads this. I have no clue why God wants me to share this, but I hope it helps you in your on spiritual quest (yes, it sure is a quest). While I feel that my purpose is being laid out to me everyday, I still don’t know exactly what life holds for me at all. I sure do trust in Jesus Christ, who saved me, time and time again. Many nights I sat home crying, some even wishing for death. What was wrong with me? Sometimes I wonder if I have a chemical problem in my brain or something, never the less, I believe what is un-folding in my life has a purpose, one that I can not fully understand by any stretch of the imagination. Purpose is something that even the most non-religious person wants. A reason to live. So many people find reasons to live, for someone, for love, for fame or money. The reason I live for Christ is because he is more than all these things. Donald Miller once said the reason he believed was not a silly set of rules, or equations, but a gut feeling deep down inside him. That's how I feel. While there is so much proof for Faith, Christ, God, everything entailed in most of Christian Spirituality, it's that gut feeling that brings me back time and again, even if it' back to where I started. As I sit hear and read this, I think of all that's gone into my quest over the last year. All the love, heartbreak, time, and effort. What I love is that I know it is all for a reason, that one day I will look back on this drama filled school year and realize all these new relationships, broken relationships, hard times, good times, and everything in between was for a purpose far greater than that of my own. Far, far greater.

I hope that you can find that purpose. I hope you find the love I have found in Jesus Christ. I hope, and pray, that you can enjoy this life with the knowledge that when it is over, it's just beginning. I hope that you love and shelter one another, as those who sheltered and loved me. I hope that you can join me in this amazing love that is He who is greater in me than he who is the world, that is, Jesus Christ.

Laura
2/7/07
The Scars of Life

Some years ago, on a hot summer day in the south, a little boy decided to go for a swim in the old swimming hole behind his house. In a hurry to dive into the cool water, he ran out the back door, leaving behind shoes, socks, and shirt as he went.

He flew into the water, not realizing that as he swam toward the middle of the lake, an alligator was swimming toward the shore.

His father working in the yard saw the two as they got closer and closer together. In utter fear, he ran toward the water, yelling to his son as loudly as he could.

Hearing his voice, the little boy became alarmed and made a U-turn to swim to his father. It was too late. Just as he reached his father, the alligator reached him. From the dock, the father grabbed his little boy by the arms just as the alligator snatched his legs. That began an incredible tug-of-war between the two. The alligator was much stronger than the father, but the father was much too passionate to let go. A farmer happened to drive by, heard his screams, raced from his truck, took aim and shot the alligator.

Remarkably, after weeks and weeks in the hospital, the little boy survived. His legs were extremely scarred by the vicious attack of the animal. And, on his arms, were deep scratches where his father's fingernails dug into his flesh in his effort to hang on to the son he loved.

The newspaper reporter who interviewed the boy after the trauma, asked if he would show him his scars. The boy lifted his pant legs. And then, with obvious pride, he said to the reporter, "But look at my arms. I have great scars on my arms, too. I have them because my Dad wouldn't let go."

You and I can identify with that little boy. We have scars, too. No, not from an alligator, but the scars of a painful past. Some of those scars are unsightly and have caused us deep regret. But, some wounds, my friend, are because God has refused to let go. In the midst of your struggle, He's been there holding on to you.

The Scripture teaches that God loves you. You are a child of God. He wants to protect you and provide for you in every way But sometimes we foolishly wade into dangerous situations, not knowing what lies ahead. The swimming hole of life is filled with peril - and we forget that the enemy is waiting to attack. That's when the tug-of-war begins - and if you have the scars of His love on your arms, be very, very grateful. He did not and will not ever let you go.

Veejay
2/6/07
From a Punk to a Jesus Freak

When I was 14, I met James, the most awkward punk rocker you could ever meet. He introduced me to punk music because as a pre-teenager I wasn’t the most confident person and he saw that. I was shy, very emotional and awkward with everyone around me. As weeks progressed, I started changing and punk music started affecting me for the better, for a while. Bands like The Ataris, AFI, and Anti-Flag started adoring my thoughts. Believe me, I was happy, I really was, it’s just with new music comes a new self, a new view of seeing yourself, life and others. I was introduced to politics, anarchy, and mohawks. I had finally found something that made me feel accepted, that suited me, which for some odd reason made my life feel, well, complete. So for the next two years of my life, I was a punk rocker to the core. I became straight-edge, emo, everything that went along with punk rock music. No one really understood me and why would they; I was too ignorant to see that I could have real friends that accepted me for me.

Punk music had two extreme effects on me; I was more confident of myself but I started being inconsiderate of other people’s feelings and I started carving into my skin and my life and my boyfriend weren’t making things that much better. I felt so alone for months on end. I didn’t know what to do with myself. I was emotionally unstable, my life was a wreck. 10th grade happened and I started going to a Christian school called New Vision Christian Academy. It was fine for a while; I even met some friends who started talking to me about God. You see, all my life I knew about God, but that was it, I only knew of God and nothing more. My friend Meghan would talk of scriptures and how her life was so much happier with Jesus but I really never understood. But something inside was begging for a change, for something that would fill the hole that was in me, that I thought punk music could replace. In February of 2004, my friend Saxon invited me to church, Templo De Alabanza, and people introduced themselves to me with a smile and I felt truly accepted by these people I had just met on a Wednesday youth night.

For the next couple weeks at school, my friend Gabby started talking to me more about God and change overwhelmed me. It was a whirlwind of faith, happiness, everything imaginable. On April 7th of 2004, at my church Templo De Alabanza, I gave my life to Christ surrounded by a circle of friends and youth leaders, holding hands and just praying, knowing that life was never going to be the same and I didn’t care…up there in that cafeteria, prayer made all the difference and life hasn’t been the same nor would I want it to be. Punk music had already given me the confidence, to be something the world didn’t accept, didn’t understand or could not put a grasp on. Because with God, you can’t get a grasp on him. I mean, I thought I was happy with punk music, but I wasn’t, hence,” I realized safety pin marks on my arms didn’t look beautiful on me.” I changed my mindset all because I was desperate for something real, something more. And I'm not saying that punk music isn’t real, it’s just I needed more. God made sense to me; He filled the hole that was in my heart. To me punk music was life, now God is life. The life that breathes air in and out of my lungs, which makes me feel more beautiful than my love could ever make me feel. The decision I made to change wasn’t an easy one; I’ve still struggled with the world, with punk music and old friends that I made along the way as when they met me as a punk rocker. Trust me, I didn’t choose this way of life for my self: God chose me, to show his light throughout this life, to make a difference in this world. As a punk rocker and Christian now, I’ve come to understand to not set your life around traditions or what you think will make you happy: set your life on something real. Punk rock set the groundwork for Christianity which is not my religion, it’s my life. -veejay
18, january 2007

Amanda
2/4/07
it was june 06. i was in school, at lunch. all of the girls would giggle and whisper in each other's ear when as i was walking by. I was going out with a boy who most of the girls liked. Everyone would just talk to me because of him, i had friends but alot were just fake. Threwout a week i was talking to him on aim and he broke up with me. So yes i cried and began cutting. While i was doing that i started losing alot of friends along the way. In pe class my teacher would see most of the cuts. Mainly all of the kids in my classes knew. So someone told the counslor. She began making me show her my wrists once a week, so i stopped. Only because of her. Then i started overdosing. My mom found out, she hid every single little razor,pill and sissors away from me. Then i came to a conclusion. I found To Write Love On Her Arms and realized how life can and will get better. Them and whisper the smile insipired me alot. So i stop doing that to myself. Now i'm perfectly fine, and happy living my life.

Natalie
1/31/07
The Sun Shown in Gibson

It’s a scorcher outside. Wonderful. As if the day hadn’t been bad enough, the heat had to take utter control of her life in the pre-summer afternoon. She was still attending school, but anxious for the day that it let out. With the release of the academy and the start of the summer, the beginning of many bright and airy days would soon begin. At least, so she had thought.

She continued to walk down the largely populated hall, occasionally running into a person or a locker or two. One more period left. She sighed at the realization. Although there were only forty-five minutes left of school, it still felt as if the day was too long for her to endure. But without bringing too much attention to herself, she walked into wood shop and promptly set her English book on the table. Eventually, about two minutes or so later, Jade and Katie came and took a seat next to her. They were snickering and whispering. Immediately, Felicity felt her cheeks tinge red as they began to tingle from sheer embarrassment. They have to be talking about me. She felt down now; the only thing she had been looking somewhat forward to was the reassuring faces of the people she called her friends. But now, sitting across from the unknowing two, she wasn’t sure what she should call them.

“And I heard that Jimmy. .” the dark haired one began, her voice unbearably low. Rumors. Great . My favorite.. Felicity detested the spread of rumors, especially if it was about people whom she knew. She had never quite understood the logic of the passing of one’s secrets, for what was the point of a secret once it was spilled to a “reliable” friend? She wasn’t sure if she disliked them more or less because she thought it was morally incorrect, or if it was because of what had happened to her in the sixth grade. But that was a long time ago. And besides, she assumed that the first suggestion was the one that she agreed with most.

“Miss Johnson,” Mr. Stilpz began. “May we begin class sometime today?” Felicity hadn’t realized that the bell had already rung, but figured that it probably had since her teacher had chosen her to tease.

“Oh, yeah. Sorry.” She gulped and looked down; again, her cheeks grew hot from the looks she received from around the clammy room.

“Let’s continue then. .” The words became a blur to her, seeming to all combine together to create a jumble of vowel and consonant sounds. She looked across the table to see Jade and Katie continuing their conversation, lightly giggling at anything that one of them may have found funny. She sighed again for about the twentieth time that day. Why must school be this way?

The period dragged by rather slowly, but nevertheless, it eventually ended when a long-awaited bell chimed throughout the halls, claiming the end of the school day and the beginning of the weekend. As Felicity walked down the hall, she felt somehow relieved of yet another week of school. But as her mind clicked back to her forethoughts, a deeper burden became weighted on her shoulders -- this time, it was something different. Walking amidst the many Fredericksburg students, she became uneasily aware of something that had never been mentioned to her.

“Hey, Geena! Are you going to Jade’s party this weekend? She practically invited the whole school,” Brian’s voice echoed amongst the hall, allowing everyone in the tightly packed space to hear.

That statement hurt Felicity like she had just received a slap straight across her face. She wouldn’t reveal or confess to her friend how that action made her feel, but the look in her eye was proof enough to convict even a murderer. Her deep, brown marbles of eyes could hide nothing, yet the expression upon her face could always mask itself remarkably, keeping her true emotions from shining through. Then there was the slight tap upon her shoulders, reality seeming to swoon back all at once at the delicate touch of fingers.

“Hey. What’s going on this weekend?” A familiar voice inquired.

Why can’t she just leave me alone?

“Oh, hey Jade,” She replied, her glum tone evident, but hidden with a glowing reluctance. “Me? Oh, I’m just going to relax, you know? Maybe go to the movies or something, or study for finals. What are you doing?”

“Sounds fun,” She smiled a cheeky grin, taking a quick chomp of her gum before continuing, “I’m just going to hang out. Try and have some fun in this boring shab of a town.” That, right there, was a lie, and Jade knew it. For a long time, since Felicity had moved there at least, Jade had always been proud of the city in which she lived; she had always bragged about how great of a community Gibson was, making those around her instantly envious. However, Felicity just bit her tongue and chose not to say anything, or better yet, wouldn’t allow herself to release anything. Right now, so many thoughts were running rampant through her mind. It was all just a matter of time before it all built up, only to combust right in her face. She thought about Jade and their friendship and about the past few weeks. It all seemed so long ago, but it had never occurred to Felicity until then that their relationship had become so . . distant. True, it did sting when she found out about Jade’s party a day before it was to occur, but was it really worth going to in the end?

“So, did you hear about my party?” Jade asked, as if somehow reading Felicity’s mind. “It’s tomorrow.”

“Oh, yeah?”

“Yeah, and well, I’d like it if you’d come.” The words appeared to sputter out of Jade’s peach colored lips. Had she really just asked me to come? In the past ten minutes, those were the only words Felicity had the constant urge to hear. Now, as if by magic, they were being said to her only a mere matter of minutes after. She stood there in awe, her porcelain face still cowering behind a papier-mache mask. The statement she was secretly dying to hear was being said to her, and, after at-first apprehensive thoughts, she came to her conclusion.

“So..do you think you can come?” Jade’s voice rang, curving a bit at the end as if trying to encourage Felicity’s answer.

“No, actually. I think I’m good.” Felicity got up and walked out the front doors of Fredericksburg Intermediate. And as she walked out from under the shade of the oak tree that stained the front walk, she smiled a grin of satisfaction for no one other than herself.

Felicity had chosen the right path.
Copyright 2006.

Amber
1/30/2007

So I have never done this before. I have never really written or told my story. I honestly think that my story would really start back to November 4th 2004,not my date of birth. Because on November 4th i found out what suicide really was and what it meant to lose someone. I had always been an up-beat, cheerful kind of girl. Then on that Novmber night my boyfriend of 2 years attempted suicide. I was beside his hospital bed as he flatlined. And that was when i had changed into a total different girl. This boy had been my life for 2 years. He was what i called my soul mate and i would have given anything to spend eternity with him. I remember blaming myself for the longest time. Thinking "why werent you there?" "Why didnt you see this coming. why didnt you help him?" This sent me spiraling down to a state of depression i had never experienced before. I too considered ending my life,because in my eyes, i had no reason to keep breathing. But i had all the reasons in the world. I had a family who supported me,friends who loved me and a God who gave HIS life for ME. But i just couldnt see this at the time. I had resorted to cutting myself,taking too much medicine, anything I could do to numb the mental pain I was feeling. and trust me,i was feeling alot of it. I lost more then 5 friends because they told me if i didnt stop,they wouldnt be able to handle it. And of course i didnt think this would hurt me,but i didnt stop,and they left. I had never been so low in my life. I only saw the pain in the world i didnt see the goodness. I stopped smiling. Something I had never done before. I had always believed a simple smile could cure someones day, but at that point,it couldnt even cure mine. I hid behind my pain alot of the time which kept me from letting go of the darkness i had within me. Because everynight i prayed that i wouldnt wake up. All my time was devoted to figuring out a way I could get out of this mess i was in. And then i resorted to anger. I was angry at the Lord for taking my soulmate away from me, i was angry at my friends for leaving me, i was angry at myself for not saving him, and i was angry at HIM for leaving ME. I cried myself to sleep everynight and moped through everyday. Since the night he died, I lost 4 other friends to death. It seemed as if his suicide triggered every good thing around me to leave as well. I was cutting myself up until last June when a group of my friends got together and agreed to make sure i NEVER harmed myself ever again. and these were the people who meant the world to me and disappointing them would never be accepted by me, so i of course,stopped. it wasnt a right away thing because i still felt the pain of his death even 2 years later. But i just learned other ways to release my pain. Healthy ways. I started talking about it more. I started writing. Oh wow how writing saved my life many times. Also i found that organizations like this one helps me too. I recently found To Write Love on Her Arms on myspace and it has become my life. It has made me realize that there is still goodness left in the hearts of people on this earth. I still think about the past. I still think about his death from time to time of course. But i will never again sink that low because now do i not only know i have people who love me but my life has turned to serving the Lord and pleasing HIM. Im not saying my life is perfect. Its far from it. Ive had over 9 people close to me die, more then a dozen friends leave my life but no matter what happens i find something good in every situation,somehow, someway. I would like to share a little bit of my ex boyfriends suicide letter he wrote to me. Somehow,this letter serves as a comfort and there are many things in here that keep me going from day to day. "You are such a beautiful person-inside and out. Dont let anyone tell you otherwise. You have a spirit about you that close and whenever you walk into a room its magical. Your smile is one of the best things about you-dont stop." "I always want you to know that you were my shining star and you are an incredible human being.Take care of yourself and have the best life possible. You deserve only the best. Dont settle for less. Always remember who you are" Those words have kept me living in so many hard times. Ive prayed more then I could have ever imagine and i find comfort in knowing that my God is watching over me and loving me unconditionally. I wasnt sure how to write "my story" but there it is. In the best way i could think of.

JC
1/30/2007
Quote by Jim Morrison

“People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that's bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they're afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they're wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It's all in how you carry it. That's what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you're letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain.” -Jim Morrison

Hannah
1/28/07

ok so heres my story...it gets a lil crzy however it gets a lot better. so...i was raised in a christian home, we didnt go to church all the time but we did belive in the lord and his word. so i went to many diffrent churchs and then come 8th grade i kinda stopped. i wanted to be different bu tfit in at the same time. all the people that i hung out with were "gothic" and i was just me, i wore whatever i felt like, people couldnt (and still cant) lable me. anyway so i got crap from people because i hung out with the "outsiders" but i loved them becaus ei grew up with them. later in my 8th grade year i found out that two of my closest friends were cutting. i helped them best that i could bu ti could only do so much...i was just 14. they started to drift away from me because i was always upbeat and happy. however that was only when i wasnt at home...and nobody knew that. At home i wasnt hit or anything it was just that everyone was always screaming and fighting. there was no real love os what it felt like. well that april my mom moved us 20 minutes from there...wich sucked becaus ei couldnt drive at that time. i was pissed she took me from my friends the ones who i thought of as family. that summer i was taken to church camp and i took my two friends sarah and kelsey ( the ones who ahd cut) we all three found christ june 9 2004. however things got harder that summer for me...i had to go to a high school were i knew no one and to top it off my friends walked away from christ and eventually me. i couldnt take it...being in my house all the time never having anyone to talk ot...so i started cutting...a little here and there at first but through my freshman year it got worse...i finally told my friend cody (who i had ment that year) it ended up making it worse because he put his problems on me and then told everyone so i started again....my mom found out and i stoped then finally after doing it a agaib a year later i contacted lauren from " to write love on her arms" lauren helped so much to keep from cuttin. also my relationship with the lord has grown so much and he has always been there to listen to me and heal me. without the lord i know that i wouldnt be here, i would have taken my life a long time ago. so please to anyone who is hurting GIVE IT TO HIM LAY IT AT HIS FEET LET HIM LOVE YOU AND ROMANCE YOU you are his child and he will never leave you!!!! trust him because once i did everything became so clear!

POETRY.

Kati, 16
8/24/07
Flight is Possible

Flight is possible.
Tomorrow we'll be gone, they'll see.
They wake up to a dimly lit sun,
And walk around all day in heavy chains.
They live under the lie that they are free.
But you and I,
Our hearts break to see,
To see the tortured,
The tormented,
The bound,
All think they're free.
And we can't save them.
We can only pray they'll see.
See that flight is possible.

The chains can be broken.
All they need to do is believe,
And take their leaps of faith.
Knowing as soon as they start to free-fall,
They'll sprout wings,
And start to fly.

'Come' He says,
'Come and fly away with me'.
We go with Him without another word.
All smiles as we fly out to the bright, new sun.
Hoping others will open their eyes,
And see flight is possible.

Flight is possible.

Anonymous
2/8/2007
Step #4

Is it really quitting if I'm the one to say goodbye?
If I twist my life 'round the blade of a knife
Matters at hand
My will commands for you to understand
This is not a weakness
This is my strength manifesting itself
Shaping into courage
My death will not be a sad one
But a testiment to my sorrow and optimistic vision
Joy is found in this head on collision

Not suicide Not suicide Not suicide

This will be ceremonious
Coming of age, releasing a stage
of a life that was not whole
So Jesus lift me up before I regret what I've done
Joy is found in You, I know not what I do
I conformed with the earth
I did not see my worth through your eyes
This floor is hard on my back
The blood is overflowing
Give me one more chance
Hold my hand Lord, through this morbid dance
The stars sing chorus and the angels shout praise
You've brought me out of my darkest days
Now I'm headed home
You've loved the wretch that I am
Take me home
Forgive me for not making your will my own

Jesseca
2/8/2007

i lie in the dark dieing from horrid pain
but then the phone rings
and a smile comes across my face
bcuz its u my friend
and just a simple wisper from u seems to chase away my
missery

Ashmarie (Tension, Red October, and Thirteen)
2/8/2007
Tension

You want me to remember
That day we walked through
Our damp backyard when you
Held my hand and tried to explain

And how we sat on that pile of
Firewood adjacent our clothesline

The thing is, I've only seen
That part of you a few times
When I look back I see the phone
Flying across the room bursting
Into a million little pieces

You were unaware of the small
Hazel eyes peeking around the corner

I remember late night fights
And you on the the couch -
The night you stomped on my tea set

I remember when you screamed
My little sister on the wall
With a pink smack across her face

I think of you on work trips
Coming home with presents
The whole shebang

Presents weren't what we wanted from you.
They were never what we wanted from you.

I seem to have forgotten
Or hidden deep within my mind

The good times

I've forgotten the tears that
Welled up in your eyes
When you told me how proud you were
Of me

It's amusing looking back
I can see why the air was so thick
Why you were so untouchable

All that tension because of an insignificant blood test

A thin white piece of paper stating,
"You are not the father."

Red October

Expectation engulfs me
Like the English did the Seminole,
Sending my smile to fly
In a tornado of feathers and cinnamon skin.

My nose pricks with it's burnt rubber scent
And my eyes burn at the destruction
My hands clench onto a familiar sweater
And try to devour its softness as my ears absorb
The gentle voice of nightengales

Out of place here

Reality smells like the daisy tastes
Bitter, remote, but pure
Placed in my mouth by a girl called Alison -
Kent State University, 1965.
"Flowers are better than bullets" she said.

A monsoon sweeps through me
And blinds my eyes
Accentuating the monotony that I call my life

Be-bob and Hip-Hop,
I never could dance.

The empty tears of failure and regret
Pour over my shores of vanity,
They crash about me with a vengeance unbeatable.

I am about as sunny as Alaska.
During the dark season, of course.

I smile as the Chesire cat does,
Disappearing when I like -
Still getting the boot from the ones I love.

I don't care.
One of these days she'll hate me.
She'll claw through the coffin ceiling
Screaming my name, helplessly.

I still don't care.

I'll just pour on the dirt, malicious brown dirt.
I hope to drown her out.

She needs to forgive me.
She needs to let me go.

"Ich bin nicht inkompetent!"
I scream to the nearby maple,
But she doesn't listen -
She tries to stop me, tries to choke me
With her branches.

She succeeds, pounds me-
Like a wandering peacock,
Dead on a cool October night

She dishes out revenge
From the mouth of the girl I buried alive.

Just like the Seminole.. so many Octobers before.

Thirteen

At thirteen I crossed my legs in gym class - Indian Style.

I sat in circles with other girls, had pseudo seances at my private Christian school.

My mother taught kindergarten. She wore a mask to school, every day, though I begged her not to.

At thirteen, I hated her. I hated myself.

She pretended to be so strong, so honorable.. like it was normal to wake up screaming in the middle of the night..
normal to place blame on everyone but yourself..
to keep secrets to destroy..
to seek and conquer.. little hearts.

At thirteen I laid in the backseat of a minivan.. too many times.

Twirling my tongue and giggling at the sight of some new boy, a new project.. a new possibility to be loved.

They were my saviors, those boys. My only escape..

I saw death as Nirvana, pentacles as relics, and curses as adornment.

My worship of her cancelled my self out, erased me entirely.

At thirteen I was too old too soon.

My face was tear stained, my teeth laced with charcoal, and my stomach ached from the pump that scratched my throat and cleaned me out.

I was unwilling.

At thirteen I was lost, but you never would have known.

I had a mask to match my mothers - though I never realized it. I was unaware that I had learned from the greatest teacher.

You never would have guessed such terror could manifest itself behind such a pretty face - with bouncy hair a pink ribbons.

At thirteen you wouldn't have believed me if I had told you.

You wouldn't have listened.

Ally
2/7/2007

A man was willing,
To die on a cross,
He died to save
& recover the lost.
He took our punishment,
All of our pain,
because His people
had so much to gain.
Jesus loves us all
No matter what you’ve done
So much that if
You were the only one
He’d still stretch out His arms
& die yet again.
He’d take all of that,
So you can have a home
High in the heavens
& stay with our God.
The God that’s so great,
He writes all our names
On both of his hands
& loves to watch us play games.
We call Him father,
Because that’s what he is,
He created all life
That’s why we’re his.
He knows each tear
That will fall
& his heart aches
for us all.
When we face hard times
He carries us through
He knows everything
That’s going on with you.
Down here on the earth
He’ll watch over your life.
Until the day comes
When we see him again.
Then you'll be in Heaven,
seated on His knee.
Always happy
& forever free!

Lisa
2/1/07

Tomorrow we have school.
My body will go, but my mind will be elsewhere; drifting high
above the school, while mingling with the sun, the moon, and
all the other kindred spirits between them.

Tanner (Transition and Until Then)
1/31/2007
Transition

Inside filled with decadence
This is nothing new
Lost in self indulgence
There is nothing I can do
Emotions seek emergence
Soon they'll break through
I can't seem to fight it
But I don't want to accept it
I guess I just have to face it

This shit just can't be real
Nothing left for me to feel
What more does life have to deal?
As my sanity begins to peel
My fate seems sealed

This beckons me to perish
But I cannot give in
Just need something to cherish
It has to come from within
A self medicating discovery
Causing an exciting transition
A self righteous recovery
It could be my new direction

From within a new radiance
Something to get use to
Lost in self indulgence
There is something I can do
Emotions seek emergence
I beg them break through
I don't want to fight it
I just want to accept it
I just have to embrace it

I hope this can all be real
Something new for me to feel
Does my life have a sudden appeal?
As my sanity begins to heal
A new happiness is revealed

Until Then

As we go through life we feel your presence
In our hearts is where you will stay
When we look inside we find your essence
From our side you will never stray
Each life illuminated by your iridescence
We know you will never be far away

We want to thank you for being our guide
And for letting us be your sense of pride
During this time faith will get us through
When it is time God will bring us to you
Now that your soul has found its release
We know that you can finally rest in peace

This is no loss; just merely a change
With you our bonds will be in good condition
For now our interaction has been rearranged
The day will come when we'll see you again
In this time hope has such a broad range
Just look down on us with a smile until then

Ally
1/29/2007
the world through teen eyes.

We live in a word,
That doesn’t make sense,
Everyone’s hurt,
Stressed & tense.
Faison & Trends,
Heart ache & Pain,
It’s all the media’s,
Sick little game.

If your friend conform,
Do you go along?
Looking for,
A place to belong.
Alcohol at parties,
Seems like such fun,
Until the morning after,
Gosh that was dumb.

Here’s some weed,
You take a puff,
“Gee!” you think,
“That’s some funny stuff.”
Next thing you know,
You getting high,
Not even thinking,
That’s the way you could die.

Driving a car,
Real, Real fast,
Your friends are dead,
& your life has past.
There was a tree,
The car just smashed,
& you can’t remember,
The silly little crash.

A Model on
The TV screen,
Seen as a perfect kind
Of human being.
You think your fat,
So you cut your wrist,
Vomit up your food,
Is there anything I’ve missed?

Now you’re in love,
Going out with your crush,
You don’t think your ready,
There’s no reason to rush.
His parents aren’t home,
Its starts with a kiss,
You let it go on
But you not ready for this.

Race, Religion,
It’s all fair game
To pick on & tease,
Call mean names.
School might be hell,
So you go home & cry,
That’s the only way
Some teens can get by.

Looked down on,
Laughed at,
No one cares,
We’re see as rats.
But its ok,
We’ll get through,
Helping each other,
When things get blue

ART.

Tanner
1/30/2007

Music:

LIVING WITHOUT MUSIC WOULD BE LIKE TRYING TO LIVE WITHOUT THE CHANCE TO BREATHE...

MUSIC SAVES LIVES.

Fifth Sunday

Television:

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Heroes: