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Animal, Vegetable, or Minister? By Charles Seife.
Let a and b each be equal to 1. Since a and b are equal,
b 2 = ab (eq. 1)
Since a equals itself, it is obvious that
a 2 = a 2 (eq. 2)
Subtract equation 1 from equation 2. This yields
a 2 – b 2 = a 2 – ab (eq. 3)
We can factor both sides of the equation; a 2 – ab equals a(a – b). Likewise, a 2 – b 2 equals (a + b)(a – b). Substituting into equation 3 we get
(a + b)(a – b) = a(a – b) (eq. 4)
So far, so good. Now divide both sides of the equation by (a – b) and we get
a + b = a (eq. 5)
Subtract a from both sides and we get
b = 0 (eq. 6)
But we set b to 1 at the very beginning of this proof, so this means that
1 = 0 (eq. 7)
Going further, we know that Winston Churchill has one head. But one equals zero by equation 7, so that means that Winston has no head. Likewise, Churchill has zero leafy tops, therefore he has one leafy top. Multiplying both sides of equation 7 by 2, we see that
2 = 0 (eq. 8)
Churchill has two legs, therefore he has no legs. Churchill has two arms, therefore he has no arms. Now multiply equation 7 by Churchill's waist size in inches. This mans that
(Winston's waist size) = 0 (eq. 9)
This means that Winston Churchill tapers to a point. Now what color is Winston Churchill? Take any beam of light that comes from him and select a photon. Multiply equation 7 by the wavelength, and we see that
(Winston's photon's wavelength) = 0 (eq. 10)
But multiplying equation 7 by 640 nanometers, we see that
640 = 0 (eq. 11)
Combining equations 10 and 11, we see that
(Winston's photon's wavelength) = 640 nanometers
This means that this photon – or any other photon that comes from Mr. Churchill – is orange. Therefore Winston Churchill is a bright shade of orange.
To sum up, we have proved, mathematically, that Winston Churchill has no arms, no legs; instead of a head, he has a leafy top; he tapers to a point; and he is bright orange. Clearly, Winston Churchill is a carrot.
and zero destroys the universe
