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New Year's Day. Another year gone. O God. Everyone else has mutated into Smug Marrieds, having children - Plop! Plop! Plop! - left, right and centre. And I'm still going to bad parties.
Have made big decision. This year will take total control of my life and become perfect modern woman. Resolution Number One - in order to mark triumphant year in which everything stops being shit and turns out v.g. - will keep a diary.
Obviously will stop smoking, stop drinking...a lot. Stop fantasizing about unrealistic men. will always throw yesterday's used pants in laundry basket. Will also live own life without being bullied by people into things I don't want to do.
All in all, will develop inner poise, and sense of self as mature woman of substance, complete without boyfriend... as best way to obtain boyfriend. And not end up tragic bag lady. Will also not be paranoid about being overweight and will learn to love my thighs as being just the sort of thighs many men enjoy lying between, especially those alive in 18th century.
V. important - will not fall for any more of the following: commitment phobics, misogynists, megalomaniacs, freeloaders or perverts. Will also become more intelligent by reading excellent books of prize-winning quality. Though must be careful not to lose touch with popular culture.