King Uszniewicz & the Uszniewicztones

King Uszniewicz (pronounced 'You-Sneb-Bitch') & The Uszniewicztones: lame, out-of-tune vocals (delivered with 3rd-rate Elvis imitator enthusiasm by tenor saxophonist/bandleader Ernie 'King' Uszniewicz, occasionally 'helped' by lead guitarist 'Logjam Lurch' Patterson, who was only worse), horrid two and three note sax & guitar solos, flagrant disregard for tempo or even remotely keeping their instruments in tune, with every song in their repertoire being played in the same monotonous key of E natural. Either these guys were drunk, stoned, both & just didn't care or they were just 'having a bad night' or - could it be?- THEY REALLY SOUNDED LIKE THIS!! King Uszniewicz and his Uszniewicztones were undoubtedly, THE WORST BAND I EVER HEARD IN MY LIFE. See if you don't agree. Every song in his repertoire was played in the key of E, the only key Ernie knew how to sing and blow his three note sax solos in. He used his sax to direct the band,... honking a stray note right in the middle of his vocals to get the band back on course toward the proper chord changes. Ernie always knew what he was trying to play in his own mind (the solo on "The Birds & The Bees", for instance), even if the results coming out of his horn were another matter entirely. His singing was always passionate and involved, especially when he strained his voice to hit notes that were totally out of his range. Ernie always liked a big finish. He based his entire delivery around embellishing everything he ever heard Elvis do except the singing on key part. If Presley hiccuped, Ernie hiccuped as loud and as often as he could. If Elvis took a deep sexy breath, then King U. tried to sound like a vacuum cleaner in heat. The actual lyrics to a song didn't really matter much to Ernie. He would sing as much of it as he could remember and make the rest up as he went along. If Sid Vicious had heard lead guitarist Lurch Patterson's version of "If I Had A Hammer", it probably would have scared him straight.