Nikki O [is a good girl]

Only The Good Die Young

In Loving Memory of Jason P Griesser R.I.P. (April 3, 1978 - July 22, 2005)

"I promise ... You ... Will always ... be on our mind! No matter ... How much ... Passing of time!"
In loving memory of Christoper Barr December 29,1979 February 11,2007 AN IRISH BLESSING

I love you Jason and Chris, you two will always be in my heart.Miss you so fuckin much it's killing me 4-21-07

My thought is me: that's why I can't stop. I exist because I think… and I can't stop myself from thinking. At this very moment - it's frightful - if I exist, it is because I am horrified at existing. I am the one who pulls myself from the nothingness to which I aspire. [135-6]I am. I am. I exist, I think, therefore I am; I am because I think that I don't want to be, I think that I … because … ugh! I flee. [137] I exist, that's all. And that trouble is so vague, so metaphysical that I am ashamed of it. [143]I was just thinking … that here we sit, all of us, eating and drinking to preserve our precious existence and really there is nothing, nothing absolutely no reason for existing. [157] -Sartre

Nothing happens while you live. The scenery changes, people come in and go out, that's all. There are no beginnings. Days are tacked on to days without rhyme or reason, an interminable, monotonous addition. [57]I build memories with my present self. I am cast out, forsaken in the present; I vainly try to rejoin the past: I cannot escape. [49]The past is a landlord's luxury. Where shall I keep mine? You don't put your past in your pocket; you have to have a house. I have only my body: a man entirely aloen, with his lonely body, cannot indulge in memories; they pass through him. I should not complain: all I wanted was to be free. [91]-Sartre

I fight everything. I am lazy as fuck although it doesn't appear that way."I believe in death,destruction,chaos, filth and greed" I like to laugh usually at inappropriate things. I have a twisted sense of humor. I never really sleep although I try.I love the X files. I despize 401k bullshit okay I don't despize it just kinda frightens me. I can't spell and i went to college kinda. I tend to hate funny movies. I love the way the fall smells on the eastcoast and Rittenhouse Square after a snowfall. Listening to The Misfits puts me in a good mood.I love Silence.....I am intrigued by infectious disease, especially the Ebola Virus. I like the smell of dirt,blood and cookers. One of my best friends and I spend hours picking things that appear only to us...now scars....he is now thousands of miles away from me and I miss him very much...I love the candy NERDS and LAFFY TAFFY I have survived on them for months...I drink riptide rush gatorade in memory of my friend Jason...I dig greasey unhealthy food. Hope I believe, is extremely important it helps to instill the will to live....hope for me has faded, gone,gone,gone...hope is lost,an allusion, now a figment of a distant imagination...this frightens me...this is a place where I have never walked...I think AA only workes because people believe that it works...that belief for me has faded...I am a bitter agnostic....I believe people only believe god exists because they believe a god exists....an opiate for the masses...it is a placebo effect...really,sorry, nothing more....I wish I never figured that one out...I was better off believing god existed...believing the allusion...acting like the masses....I haven't a clue....lost in the fuckin sauce no taste no flavor...living in the world does not come easy for me but I constantly make an attempt. Living like a junkie...that comes natural...for me this is the easy way as sick as it is I kinda like it(freedom)...not a second thought...it's the bank accounts...the family affairs...the normal type conversations...the everyday life...the getting older...people...saving money...responsibility...that i abhore,fear or whatever..sometimes I wish I wasn't like me...sometimes wish I was more girly....more"acceptable"I suppose....but i'm not.... bitterness and cynicism reside within...sometimes I wish I was more naive...maybe then i'd be happy...? I absolutley love old people even grumpy ones. Getting tattooed is one of my favorite things too do it keeps me from doing bad things. I love horror movies and punk. I love the song amazing grace I don't know why, especially The Dropkick Murphys cover. I love Speedballs I will give up everything in my life to shoot one. Now im sober yeahhhh...If I could shoot smack on the weekends I would. I love being Irish and being raised by Itailians. I love my stubborn/hard headed pride it seems to get me into trouble which is not so good. I love to smile. When I laugh real hard I cry ask Amy or Charlie. I miss Hollywood... I eat food in bed. I know happiness is contagious and hate feeds hate. Sadly,hatred is the stronger force... At times I have problems with anger, once in a while i fly off the rocker and sometimes I handle situations which used to baffle me. I miss my friend Jeremey. I love my friend Kyle. I wanna see my friend Johnny...we're family... I have the best family in the world which is why I don't kill myself...I also have the most amazing friends or so I used to think I really couldn't ask for more except maybe some money and more tattoos.No really though I am blessed If you friend request me and we have nothing in common or your profile is set to private I will not add you