About Me
It was 1983, my junior year at Yale. I was just named captain of the crew team, Reaganomics was yielding healthy returns on my trust fund, and my exploits in inebriation and fornication (my double major, if you will) had become the fodder of legend. A tap from one of the University’s esteemed societies was imminent. Skull and Bones came calling, as did Scroll and Key, Old Elihu. And yet it was a much smaller, upstart, clandestine group of fellows that caught my attention, captivated my imagination, and slipped a roofie in my whiskey sour. I am of course talking about the now legendary, ever fabulous, Untouchiballs.
Membership in the Brotherhood of the U connected me to a network of unimaginable power, wealth, VD, and kickball. The latter was a particular affectation of mine. I gleefully recall warm summer evenings in Hyannisport, the sweet sound of my Top-Sider making full contact with vulcanized rubber, the sweet smell of a semiconscious Muffy McFadden on the 17th green. After settling in amongst the brick and oak of Providence’s posh East Side, I took it upon myself to recruit a kickball team of outstanding ability, utmost character, and purest bloodlines, assembling the Bourgeoisie from Brown to Benefit to Blackstone Boulevard. Soon we had chartered our own Fabulous Untouchiballs chapter, christening ourselves the Eastside Bluebloods. But shortly thereafter, much to our dismay, we discovered that a bevy of loathsome louts, tattooed ruffians, and comely women were making a mockery of our sport of kings, deep in the bowels of our city’s West Side.
After briefly considering litigation, slander, and various other means of subverting the PKL, we felt it would be far more sporting to engage the plebeians of this fair city on the rough ‘n tumble pitch of the so-called Hyperdome. Our threefold aims are as follows:
1. To dominate the opposition with character, class, and style;
2. To assume a controlling interest in the PKL through our performance on
the field, deep pockets, and connections in the General Assembly;
3. To ultimately disband the PKL, demolish the Hyperdome, and develop
luxury condos.
