I'm a Kickball League.
In the beginning Kickball had no rules. Then, after no one could figure out what was going on, a few simple ones were installed. The basic rules of the game derive from baseball, softball, what-have-you... you know, like running around the bases, tagging runners who steal, not having to tag runners who must advance (only tagging the base), etc... In addition, we have 8 kickball-specific rules, handed down for generations from Stan McNabb, PKL High Kommisioner (in exile):
1. Games are 5 innings or 50 minutes long.
2. No hitting people in the head. If someone is intentionally tagged in the head in an attempt to make an out, they will not be out, but instead, will advance as if you missed them by a mile.
3. No “real†pitching. The pitcher’s job is to roll the ball over the plate.
4. At the plate, four foul balls and you’re out. It’s OK to swing and miss and it’s OK to not swing at all. There are no “balls†or “strikesâ€.
5. No stealing. If you lead off, you gotta tag up (touch the base again) if the ball is caught, then you can run (this is an important rule and a lot of people forget it).
6. The Umpires are the law.*
7. Bribery is encouraged. Open corruption is the only fairness Providence has ever known.
8. NO WHINING.
* The umpires may deem neccesary to enforce what are referred to as “beer†rules. This is, however, completely up to the discretion of the Ump. Such “beer†rules include penalties for spilling a beer, knocking over someone else’s beer, and the like.
General Conduct
Kickball is sort of a sport. We have a few rules, sure, but let’s not get carried away. THIS IS KICKBALL, PEOPLE. And we are adults playing the game... a game devised to kill time in elementary school gym class. A game so simple that you don’t need enough coordination to hit a ball with a bat, just enough to be able to kick an 8.5 inch red target. Does anyone else think this is funny?
To top it off, we encourage – nay, we demand – kickball theatre. Teams need a theme, and they need to carry it out. If you are a team of Medical Professionals, then you better aid in the birth of a kickball on the field. If you have a team name like the John Barleycorns, well, then you better do something Barleycorney to win the fans love. The whole idea is to have a bunch of silly fun on a sunny summer Saturday, hang out with some friends, have something to talk about the following week and something to look forward to.
Let’s all try to remember that.
So, in an effort to state what should be obvious, here are our additional hopes, dreams, and aspirations:
1. NO WHINING... we’ll say it again. No one likes a sore loser, especially if you are mad about losing a game of KICKBALL.
2. Respect the field... pick up your garbage, clean up after yourselves, and support the local businesses.
3. Try to respect the standing laws of the state... this includes the Open Container rule as well as the public nudity and lewd conduct rules currently in place.
4. Your kickball “character†can be a jerk, but keep it directed at other kickball players. Kickball theatre should not involve the public when possible. Like a train wreck, some people are drawn in by the spectacle, but they would be pretty upset if they got smattered with fake blood or hit in the head with a kickball in the process.
5. Kenny and Pedro will always have a place in kickball... as initiation for new teams. They have much to teach, and we want to be sure that they continue to play as long as Kenny can continue to afford the countless knee surgeries.
6. Have fun, and remember, NO WHINING
End of Season / Eliminator procedure
Ok, so we like to have fun, but the league still has to have its winners and losers. Luckily, we have plenty of both. Here is how it goes down in the final weeks:
1. Second to last week: Normally, we have two games – one for each Division – that pits the number Three team against the number Two team for one last chance to make it into the finals. This is called the Wild Card Game. If the second place or third place team is tied before entering the tournament, the team’s placement will be determined by who won when those two teams faced off. (Example: Team 3 and Team 4 are tied for third place... When Team 3 and Team 4 last played, Team 4 won, so therefore, they get the third place spot and a chance in the Wild Card Game.)
2. Finals Weekend: First games of the day will be the Division Championships, with the first and second place teams from each Division facing off. Pretty simple. The winner is the Division Champ.
3. There is usually a break of sorts to let the two winning teams catch their breaths. During the last few years this has been an open All Star -or- No Star Game.
4. Festival of Losers: The last place team from each Division face off for the overly complicated Festival of Losers. The score is set at 31 points per team. Each run removes a point from the board – follow us? The team that scored the most runs – in effect – loses the game, thus securing their perfect win-less record... even though in essence, they won the game.
5. World Championships: This game is much anticipated, but not complicated in any respect. The two best teams square off to determine who shall reign supreme until the following season.
