anything creative really. . .
I’m always seeking the purpose in what I do but happiest just to be actively creating with like minded souls.
“Some people never go crazy, What truly horrible lives they must liveâ€
charles bukowski
I have been asked by friends (myspace and otherwise) why I project such a dark, metaphorical and philosophical side of my personality through the photos, music and writing here when, in the flesh, I am a very happy, positive, direct, connective and glossy-eyed kind of boy most of the time.
I suppose it could be best summed up by pointing out what I see so often in other pages here. People listing the things they love, the things they find beautiful, the things they want. . . and that is all very fine. . . but, how much of a person is made of those things really? How much does that really tell you??
Does anyone really spend a good percentage of their life invested in their “loves� How often do the movies, songs, books, nature, food, travel, activities, animals, vegetables and minerals really come into play?? And what do they really mean in the realm of human connection?
Life IS about the little things. . . they are pieces of the puzzle. . . jigsaw like. . .but our human essence, and potential for expanding it, is in the deeper roots of who we are in the balance of the darkness and the light.
You can share every single favorite movie and book on a list but have absolutely nothing in common if you aren’t connecting in the spaces of the heart and the soul. And don’t mistake one for the other. Likes and similarities are not a form of deep sharing. . . your interpretation of what you see, feel and experience in those likes is very solitary.
Yours alone.
No one shares it with you completely. . . ever.
Sharing is in the desire to understand others and to see them as they are and to relate to it through who you are. Creating something that is neither you nor the other. To me, this is creating relationship. . . and the basic failure of all of us, at one time or another, to honor this and surrender to it is why so many great possibilities crumble. We are ALL capable of that creation. . . it is sad that many do not understand the need to do the deep inner work to be aware of what they are manifesting.
Especially in human connections.
We create so much fantasy and absurd idealization. All under the pretense of forging love, claiming the self and cultivating understanding.
Yes, I can definitely love a book (some of them are considered friends) . . . be moved by art and music (without which I likely would not be alive) . . . feel the creation of others in our own way (inspiration is the greatest gift I receive from my friends) . . . but we may still never seek it deep enough in ourselves or truly look for it deeply enough in others to discover who we, or they, are.
It’s outside-in living. . . projection and protection. . . working the crowd. . . playing the angel. Who hasn’t done it?
And we treat others so much less than ideal so often.
We give so much less than we are capable of. We rarely live up to our projections of who we are. We never see how much of a funhouse mirror we are looking into to view ourselves.
Both inwardly and outwardly.
Yet we continue to go on projecting the perfect and the ideal.
The pretty and the sexy.
The safe and the secure.
The superfluous and the singular.
The things we cannot share.
The best sides of ourselves.
The best work we create.
The best intentions we hold.
And we almost never live up to that idealized image.
So I figure if I show you these aspects of myself.
And if this is as true as I can be,
Maybe you’ll start to see ME.
As I am.
As I can be. . .
Maybe you’ll want to know me better.
Maybe not.
Or maybe you feel you already do.
This is me. . . the solitary, optimistic, voyeuristic, sometimes-social and creative chameleon.
Intense, aloof, incomplete, over-thinking, impure, contradictory, head in the clouds, feet in debt, pursuing dreams but often finding them lacking in clear interpretation.
A fool. A believer in all things possible, striving for art but making a general mess of things in the meantime.
Growing, growing up, growing old.
Learning, absorbing, trying. . . trying hard.
Sometimes too hard.
Those walls are actually stronger than my head!
Conscious of my actions.
Conscious of how they affect others.
Conscious of the desire to be treated as I deserve but not always capable of successfully holding others to it.
A firm and true believer in my boundaries and working diligently at learning how to insist that others adhere completely to them as well.
Aware of the power of words.
Of creation.
Of love.
Of hate.
Of pain.
Of healing.
Of belief.
Of truth.
Of deceit.
Of denial.
Of intention.
I’m a good listener. A comparable talker.
Sometimes too much.(Just ask all my former school teachers!)
Talk about something you love and I’ll definitely listen. . . but I don’t hold back my responses and I won’t agree and/or enable just to keep the peace.
Screw something up and I’ll tell you.
Not listening? I’ll tell you again.
I’m that way because my own truest friends have always been the people that got right in my face and didn’t allow me to be blissfully unaware. I try to be the same rare bird.
It’s an acquired taste I’m sure.
Truth always is.
All that said, I love silence and seek it out often.
Easy silence.
Calming.
I believe in doing all you can for yourself first but then I see the beauty of asking for help when it’s truly needed.
I live better with less.
Less clutter.
Less drama.
Less expectation.
Less need.
Less ego.
Less distraction.
Less friction.
Less shit.
I have trouble remembering names, trouble remembering to pay bills on time and trouble remembering to call my family. I don’t consider my “home†to be these four walls and this roof. I consider "home" wherever my heart is safe, my creativity is inspired and my dreams are actively invested. And by that simple definition, until verrrrrry recently, I had spent a great deal of the last 5 years feeling pretty much “homelessâ€. . . but just one moment. . . one twist of fate. . . one look can change your entire world in a heartbeat.
"We dive down... We dive down. . . in a diamond night, a diamond sea and a diamond sky..." kate bush
I’m detail oriented. Ridiculously unorganized at times. Quick witted. Quick to forgive but only when I see the seeds of personal awareness, growth and change are truly taking root. Otherwise forgiveness is an architecture of false hope. . . and people are crushed under the weight of it’s collapse every day.
A lover of light and dark and the balance in between. I am just as likely to be productive when I am moody as when I am elated. Happy with time spent in solitude because I am never alone. Happy to have company because I am never without appreciation for the time others offer to me.
I believe in living in the present with an eye toward the future and nothing but complete resolution of the past.
I’ve learned the hard way, over and over, that ghosts NEVER have good intentions.
I’m highly sensual, extremely tactile and a suitable bit of quirky. Creative in the brain, the subconscious, the kitchen, the bedroom, the workshop and the studio.
I’ve become a bit obsessive about the fact that time is slipping away every day. . . even as I write this. . . even as I imagine you reading it.
If you got this far you must be, at least, mildly entertained by it . . . perhaps even interested. And if I read people right, unless you are just bored, you must have a desire to say something yourself. Please. . . feel free. . .
I’m all ears.
Nicolas.
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