Bread

Well, I was born sometime around 10,000 B.C.E., even though I was just crude, unleavened, and flat at the time. It was pretty fun back then, but I knew things had to change...I knew I had to "grow" a little in some ways. And so I did. By fermenting a flour and water mixture with wild yeast that was present in the air I grew into delicious fluffy loaves by the year 3000! The Egyptians took quite a liking to me, and were most likely the people who really got the word out that I was a delicious morsel of goodness! Back then I was naive and uninformed, and was convinced that I should offer my services as payment for Egyptian slaves...but I've wised up since then and realized that slavery is wrong! I'm a reformed grain-product my friend, and my life since then has been great! By the year 150 B.C.E. people in Rome had formed the first Breadmakers guilds, which meant that I had really managed to get around. In the middle ages people really loved me...oh man, I was more popular than Avril Lavigne. I was on almost every dinner table in the free world, and even though some peasants couldn't afford me or my brother Cake, everyone had heard of my awesomeness. In 1910, Americans were each eating about 210 pounds of wheat flour each year, mostly attributed to me, Bread! Oh it was great. Then, in the late 1930's and early 1940's, I was chosen as the foundation for a diet enrichment program in the United States. They were right, because I helped make everyone big and strong, and that's we we're so healthy in the United States...well, other than the morbidly obese people, but I don't think our government counts them in the census. Anyway, since 1990, the U.S. Dietary Guidelines have recommended that Americans have me between 6 and 11 times per day, which is soooo cool. I hope you've been following that guideline, it's there for a reason! So don't go listening to that crazy-ass fat bastard Dr. Atkins! I've been good for your for 15,000 years, and i'm not about to stop now! FUCK DR. ATKINS!!