Rather than listing my interests here, I'm going to pull a 360 and list things I'm NOT interested in. Or to put it another way- the things I can't stand. It's not a long list, but if you're on it, take heed. I'm gunning for you and i MAY mean literally. Read on:
HIPPIES - I bloody can't stand hippies. They say the 60's are over but when I walk down the street it's 1969 all over again (minus the free love) because those damn hippies are everywhere you look. I see them just sitting around with their sandals and their frisbees, talking about how you can make ANYTHING out of hemp and reading "Alice in Wonderland" in between games of hacky sack, etc. I'm not a violent man, but when I see lazy hippies just lounging around in the middle of the day when they should be inside working, it's all I can do to keep from grabbing my billy club and bashing them right in the love beads. Get a job you lazy hippies!!! If I've got to work for a living, so do you!!!
PUNKS - You know the kind I mean. Leather jackets, greased back hair, bad attitudes and NO respect for the law or for social mores whatsoever. They ride motorbikes and smoke cigarettes and say things like "cool it, daddy-o" and they think they're just too cool for school. Well they're cool enough for school- reform school that is! Whenever I see those dirty, greasy punks out on the streets, I just want to tell them to wise up and get their acts together. Believe me, I was young once. I wore tight trousers and combed my hair back and danced the night away to groups like The Turtles, Herman's Hermits and The Three Swell Fellows. But there was always respect. I knew where the line was drawn. These punks- they respect nothing and no one. I think it's sad that decent, hardworking people can't walk down the street anymore without getting hassled by those dirty, greasy, filthy punks. What's the world coming to?
BARE MIDRIFFS AND LOW RISE DUNGAREES - It seems the trend these days for ladies is to wear their shirts so high and their pants so low, that they're about as likely to come together as an Israeli and a Palestinian. Well I think it's bloody disgusting and when I see one of these "ladies" walking down the street all done up (or should I say "undone") I just want to put an overcoat on her and tell her to go home and change. It's not right, these girls prancing around with about as much clothing as you'd find in a scarf, or maybe a fat tie from the 1970's. I know they think they look sexy, but they're forgetting that less is more. Back in my day the girls were terrifically sexy and they didn't have to dress like Lady Godiva to get that way. I'm telling you that Honor Blackman ("Pussy Galore" from "Goldfinger") could get me more excited with one raised eyebrown than Ms. Brittany Spires can with an hour of that live sex show she calls a concert. Ladies, listen up: you don't need to dress like a 2 dollar an hour whore to get a gentleman's attention. Learn to bake a cake, learn to dance a tango and learn how to keep a happy, clean home and trust me- you'll have more men after you than you'll know what to do with.
I'd like to meet:
I think the one person I'd most like to meet would have to be Sherlock Holmes. I remember reading his exploits as a boy (meaning when I was a boy, not Sherlock) and thinking how great it would be to be a famous detective. Fast forward 45 years and here I am- Chislehurst's most famous copper. I like to think I've got Mr. Holmes to thank for my success, though I suppose I should also credit Mr. Encyclopedia Brown, whose adventures such as "The Mystery of the Missing Blueberry Pie" really helped push me in the direction of police work. But still- Sherlock Holmes was my first inspiration and he's who I'd most like to meet. Sadly he died many years before I was born but luckily we'll always have his books to remember his fantastic adventures by.
I say carry on, Sherlock, the game will ALWAYS be afoot!!
Music:
Anyone who knows me knows that I am a HUGE fan of the Bay City Rollers and I was even in a Bay City Rollers cover band for a while, called the "Ray City Bowlers." But we broke up because we all wanted to be Les McKeown and of course there can only be one Les McKeown, both in real life and in a Bay City Rollers cover band. I hear a lot of people say that the Rollers broke up, but I say oh no my son- that is pure rubbish. They're still performing and if you're a fan of state fairs or auto shows, you can catch them.
Also I'm quite keen on that rock team "The Rotten Fruit," with their fun, clean songs that convey decency and morality, the way rock and roll should. Rock went way off course when Elvis Presley hit the scene with his gyrating hips and his sequin jumpsuits and his spectacular deaths on toilets. But the Rotten Fruit have put the cleanliness back in rock and roll and I think they're all just terrific lads. I know that Orange fellow had a bit of trouble last year with that palimony suit and I know that Shaggy bloke was brought in for questioning regarding the 40 pounds of cocaine they found in his trunk. And I realize that that Claude feller had over 5000 images of underage boys from Thailand on his computer, but he said it was research for a book he was writing and I for one believe him. My point is nobody's perfect. But I feel that the Rotten Fruit are good for the kids because they promote love and fun and they're not degenerates who bite the heads off cats on stage, like I've heard Mandy Moore and other pop artists do.
Oddly enough, one group i DON'T like is The Police. I know I should since I'm a copper and all that, but I just don't. They had a few good songs but there's just something about Sting that makes me mad. I hate how he's always telling us not to chop down the rainforests. I ask you, what's so bloomin' wonderful about the rainforests?! Why shouldn't we chop them down? Memo to Sting: I can't get a coffee in a rainforest, but i CAN get one in a shopping mall- if we chop down the rainforest and build one there. Also if we're being honest, I hate how Sting can have sex for 55 hours straight and I'm lucky if I can get 15 minutes of rumpy with Mrs. Duggins before I'm done in for the evening.
Movies:
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Two words: Dirty Harry. I love, love, love that American copper and in a sense I've fashioned my own career around his teachings. I just love it when he peers down at that dirtbag and says, "are you a lucky punk? ARE YOU!?" And of course he's not, because Harry blows him away, doesn't he. And rightly so, he was crook and he had it coming. I love the Dirty Harry movies and I wish Clint would make another one. I know he's 92 now and bedridden but come on mate- you've got one more Dirty Harry in you, I just know it!!!
Beyond that, I'm also a big fan of "The Santa Clause" franchise and I can't wait for the next installment. I also like anything starring Lou Diamond Phillips, though I still can't quite figure out if he's Mexican or Native American or whatever. I guess that's a testiment to Lou's acting skills, because one minute he's playing a character named "Tino Vasquez" and the next minute he's playing "John Proudfeather" and he's just smashing at both roles.
And I'm quite keen on the films of this American, Eli Roth. I really enjoyed that one he did where the chap got killed in a gruesome way. Me wife won't watch his movies but I queue up on day one, popcorn in one hand, 65 ounce soda in the other.
Television:
I don't like television. Never have, never will. I don't own one and don't want one, I feel they're single-handedly responsible for ruining all life on this planet and I rue the day they were invented. TV is worse than Hitler, Saddam Hussein and 9/11, all rolled into one.
Having said all that, here's some shows I never miss:
Real Stories of the Highway Patrol
Joey
The Smiletime Sunshine Variety Hour
Lois and Clark: The New Adventures of Superman
Three and a Half Men
The Ghost Whisperer
Queer Guys for the Straight Guy
Huff
Arliss
Veronica Mars
Gilmore Girls
That show where angels help humans solve problems (I forget the name of it)
Johnny Larue's Street Beef
The Bob Newhart Show (the one with Larry, Daryl and Daryl)
CSI: Chislehurst (that's not a real one but I don't need to watch it, coz as Chislehurst's top cop- I'm living it!!!)
