I know you've heard all kinds of crazy things about me, like that I bathe in the blood of young female virgins to maintain my vitality or that I sleep on a bed of monkey skulls because it mystically sends monkey energy into your body at night. Honestly, that's all rubbish (though I hear that monkey stuff is true). Yes, I'm an international rock superstar and all that, blah blah blah, but the truth is, I'm really just a regular guy, just like you (unless you're a girl in which case I've got different sex bits but beyond that- I'm just like you).
I like all the simple stuff in life; things like having a malted at the soda shop, spittling a popsicle with my best girl, disco dancing the night away, going to see "Rocky" movies and eating hamburger sandwiches with my best buds.
Of course being rich and famous does afford me the opportunity to expand my horizons a bit, so when I've got a bit of free time, I do like to indulge in a few somewhat unique activities, such as swimming in diamonds, trying on solid gold crowns or buying the skeletons of famous celebrities on eBay. Ive got a decent skeleton collection now, I just wish Joey Bishop would kick off already so my Rat Pack collection would be complete!!
I'd like to meet:
Elvis Presley: I know it's a bit trite, us both being rock legends and all, but I've always been keen on meeting the king and shaking his hand. I went to his house in Memphis and I was blown away, I was. Fur covered toilets, sinks that dispense champagne, couches made out of dinosaur skin and a TV made entirely of paper mached Gutenberg bibles!!! Did that cat know how to live, or what?
Benny Hill: Say what you will about Benny but I've always been a fan and I always will. I nearly soil me knickers when I see that funnyman chasing the ladies around in three times fast motion. I hope I'm half that randy when I'm Benny's age. Also I love it when he slaps that bald bloke on the noggin- take that, ya old bald bastard!!! Thats what you get for messing with my man Benny!!
Shirley Bassey: She may be getting on in years, but I'd still throw ANY bird aside for the beauteous Miss Bassey. I swear to god I get aroused when I hear the opening strains to "Goldfinger" and when "Diamonds Are Forever" comes on the radio- that's it, I'm done. My one dream in life is to be Shirleys microphone, so that I could spend one glorious night having her lips just inches from me. But then I'd want to be me again, in case some other band uses that mic later. Like I dont want Mark Farner of Grand Funk Railroad gobbing all over me for an entire evening or whatever, just because I happen to have been magically transformed into a microphone. Let's be logical about this, shall we?
Merlin the Magician: Now let's not pick nits and say you can only list REAL people you'd like to meet. Because I've been a fan of King Arthurs favorite wizard since I was in short pants and I'm still a devotee to this day. From his pointy starry hat to his long flowing beard, Merlin personifies what it is to be wizard in this topsy turvy world of ours. Thats why I've got a painting of him on the side of me van: Merlin in outer space, riding on a unicorn and casting a spell of love on the entire planet earth. On the other side of the van is a painting of an Incan warrior carrying a virgin princess up to a volcano so he can sacrifice her to his gods. Frankly I prefer the Merlin painting but I felt that having two Merlins on my van would be overkill.
Jim Belushi: No, that's not a typo, I didnt mean to write John. No knock on John Belushi, but I've always felt that Jim had the real talent in the family. From his humble beginnings in such films as "Salvador" and "About Last Night" to his meteoric rise to superstardom in blockbusters like "Mr. Destiny" and "K-9," Jim Belushi's been a one man entertainment factory for over 25 years. Now I see he's on the telly doing some kind of comedy show and though I consider TV to be slumming a bit, I still say good show, Jimmy. With the passing of iconic funnymen such as Bob Hope and Red Skeleton, we need world class comics now more than ever. John may have been good, but Jim is even better (and a bit less decomposed, am I right?!).
Music:
You might think that a bloke who spends 364 days a year (I don't work on Arbor Day) performing music wouldn't have much time for it when he's off the clock. But that's where you're wrong, my friends. I live music and I love music. And I live to love music. And I love to live the music I'm living to love. Right, I've gotten a bit off track here but my point is- music is my life and I love it. And I love to live my life and I live to love the life I live and----- right, let's not start all that again or we'll be here all bloody day.
My point is that I'm a big fan of all types of music and if you asked me to narrow it down to my top 5 artists, I'd kick you in the balls and say piss off, can't do it, it's impossible, it's like telling the Nazis which one of my children I want to live and which one I want to die. In fact it's HARDER than that, because to be honest, I'd rather let the Nazis kill my children than have to choose which artist is my favorite.Having said all that, here are my top 5 favorite musical artists, my desert island choices, if you will:
Shirley Bassey: I don't know what it is about that golden-throated glamour girl but I'm a fool for everything she does. She could sing in the shower and it'd be a number one record (and what a view, am I right lads!?) Plus, Shirley's got class and dignity, the likes of which we don't see too often these days. Frankly, my beloved Shirley can make me more excited with one chorus of "Moonraker" than an entire evening of that two dollar whore Charlottle Church and that Tijuana donkey show she calls a stage act. Shirley's a lady, like Grace Kelly or Princess Diana. I know someday she'll be gone, but I'll always be able to remember her by thinking of her warmth, her kindness, her love and her compassion. And also by looking at her skeleton, which I'm hoping (fingers crossed) I can buy off eBay after she kicks off, to add to my collection. I've got the perfect spot for Shirley's bones- right between Carly Simon and Bea Arthur.
The Archies: Now I know what you're saying, Ian, the Archies weren't even a real band, they were a cartoon and one of the band members was a bloody dog who played the tambourine! Granted, but that doesn't mean they didn't rock, and rock hard. Where's it written that the performers have to be real in order to be good? Some of history's greatest musicians weren't real at all and yet we still love them. For example, two of The Monkees were hand puppets but no one seemed to mind that. Jimmy Hendrix was a hologram and he's still considered a rock legend today. Christina Aguilera is totally computer animated and yet that doesn't seem to be slowing down her record sales. My point here is that just because the Archies were cartoons doesn't mean they weren't bloody marvelous. Just throw on tracks like "Sugar Sugar" and "Bang-Shang-a-Lang" and TRY to stop your fingers from snapping and your feet from tapping. You can't do it mate, it's impossible. Believe me- I've tried.
Hall & Oates: Some people write off H20 as a relic from the 80's and say their music has no relevance in today's "hurry up, go go go, get the fuck out of my way asshole" society. But I beg to differ and I say that songs like "Sara Smile," "Kiss On My List" and "Maneater" are more timely now more than ever. In fact in some ways Hall and Oates were prophetic in their songwriting, because some of their tunes seem to fit our world so perfectly these days. Listen to "I Can't Go For That" and tell me it doesn't reflect a post 9/11 society; a world struggling to deal with great horror, sizing up the landscape of global terrorism, looking its enemies straight in the eye and saying sorry, I can't go for that (no can do)? In fact the only thing I'd change about Hall and Oates is Oates' mustache, which admittedly makes him look a lot like a gay porno star from the 1970's. Oddly enough I recently saw a picture him without the mustache and somehow it makes him look even MORE like a gay 70's porno star. Not sure why that is, but sadly it's true.
The Spin Doctors: True they weren't with us for very long, but in their short stay at the top they burned brighter a thousand suns combined. The Spin Doctors said more with "Two Princes" than Britney Spears will say with everything she ever sings for the rest of her life, even when she's an over the hill 45 year old she-creature desperately trying to recapture her fame by performing at state fairs and auto shows for people who are more interested in getting Adam West's autograph than watching her bloated pre-corpse gyrate on stage in a pathetic mockery of what she once was. I can't imagine how many children were conceived whilst their parents were listening to "Little Miss Can't Be Wrong," and the Spin Doctors' other songs (none of which I can remember at the moment) are timeless classics as well. As I say it's true that in the cosmos of the music scene, the Spin Doctors were but a tear in the eye of the great unicorn, I feel that a single tear can often be more powerful than the greatest of oceans. Metaphorically speaking of course, because in real life that would just be impossible.
USA For Africa: Think of it as the Superbowl of musical happenings; 44 American rock superstars and one mediocre Canadian actor team up to record a little number called "We Are the World," to help fight disease and famine in Africa. But little did they know they'd also find a cure for something the rest of the world was suffering from: a severe lack of kickass rock and roll music!! The only downside is that "We Are the World" is the only song USA For Africa ever recorded! I know this sounds horrible but sometimes I almost wish that all of Africa's problems HADN'T been solved, just so USA For Africa would have stayed together long enough to record a few more hits. For that matter, why couldn't they regroup today and start cranking out new tunes? And they could even replace some of the less popular acts (i.e. The Pointer Sisters) with hip, new contemporary acts (i.e. The Hanson Brothers) just to reflect the changing times. Like I said, I know we've got this Africa problem licked, but blimey, there's plenty of other charities to sing for. They could sing for kids with kicked in heads or birds who've been knocked about, that sort of thing. Or even that charity Dean Martin does that telethon for every year, that'd be just fine. The point is, we need USA For Africa back and we shouldn't have to wait for another third world famine to get them. Come on you lot, time to start turning bread to stones and get yer arses back in the recording studio!!
(SPECIAL BONUS) Johnny Mathis: I've always had a soft spot for Johnny but I must admit I can't quite figure out what the heck he is. Black? Indian? Something in between? Come on Johnny, give us a clue. I love your music but I hate scratching my head wondering just what box you tick off come census time.
Television:
Most of my experience with TV has been chucking them out of hotel room windows, but now and then I do curl up with a pint and packet of crisps and lay me peepers on the following:
Barnaby Jones: I'm just mad for the adventures of America's most popular 92 year old private detective! The people who make detective shows these days could take a tip from old Barnaby, because he solved crimes with class and dignity and showed the world that old people still have something to offer and are NOT just useless dried out old husks waiting to be shoved into the earth and forgotten about. You're one foxy detective, Mr. Barnaby Jones!
That Sitcom With the Gays - I forget the name of it but I think that show is just fantastic. I've been saying for years that there's not enough gays on television, I'm glad a few have made it to the mainstream. And I'm not just saying that to
counteract the backlash from that incident last year where I beat up that gay guy outside a club in London. I'll tell you lot what I told the judge: you touch my car and gay or straight- you're getting a mouthful of teeth.
Who's The Boss? - I'll tell you who the boss is- Mona. That man-crazy senior citizen always comes out on top and I love to laugh along with her, Tony, Angela, Samantha and even little Jonathan each and every time the show comes on. In fact I've even written some fan fiction in which the cast of "Who's the Boss" meets the cast of "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" and the result is a jolly good time had by all.
Extreme Ultimate Robot Smack Down Challenge - You know how some blokes get all excited and filled with love and serenity when they see Jesus or Buddha or whatever? Well that's how I feel when I see one robot fight another robot. It's like everything's right with the world or something. That's why I never miss an episode of this show, I think it's just smashing (pun very much intended!) In fact I was in the audience the night "Kill Cosby" beat "Stabby Kaye" to win the title of "Ultimate Robot Warrior." I treasure that evening, it's right up there with my first communion and the time I got Kareem Abdul Jabar's autograph.
Lois & Clark: The New Adventures of Superman - Remember how beautiful Terry Hatcher was before she turned into a living mummy? And remember Dean Cain before he dissapeared off the face of the earth? They were both great on "Lois and Clark" and I never missed an episode. I still watch it now and then, though it does make me a bit sad when I think about how these days,
Terry Hatcher resembles something that crawled out of Tutankhamun's crypt. When I see Terry on TV now my first thought is "my god someone kill it before it eats a child" and honestly- that's just tragic.
Books:
If excitement has a name, then it must be "Terry McMillan." I swear I'm off to the shops to buy her latest book the day it's released. From "Waiting For Exhale" to "How Stella Got Groovy," Ms. McMillian never fails to please. My only complaint is that there's an awful lot of blacks in her books and I think she needs to even things out a bit. Mind you I'm no racialist, I love blacks (especially the ladies) but I mean come on Terry, you don't need to make every single character black. How about throwing in a Chinaman or even a Paki? I mean just for fun, right?
When I wanna really escape and get away, the one book I reach for is Michael Crichton's "Congo." That book has it all. Gorillas, SUPER gorillas, gorillas with lasers mounted on their backs, a gorilla who knows sign language- I could go on and on. "Congo" is thrill a minute and I highly recommend it to anyone who likes to read. I put it right up there with Grisham's "The Pelican Brief" in that it's a real page turner that doesn't disappoint. I should mention though that if you have any kind of fear of gorillas, "Congo" might not be the book for you. Because honestly, it's stuffed with gorillas. There's more gorillas in the book "Congo" than there are in the ACTUAL Congo. And I think the cover of the hardcover edition is made out of gorilla skin, which for my money is taking things a bit too far but then again I know Mr. Crichton strives for realism so covering the book with gorilla skin would make sense in a way.
Since man cannot live on words alone, I must also point out that I'm a big fan of "Magic Eye" books, you know those things where if you stare at it long enough you see stuff? I could stare at a Magic Eye book for hours and always see new and wonderful things. For example one time there was this picture of an octagon and after staring at it for an hour, I actually saw a hexagon. Me mates said I was crazy but I swear I saw it!!!
I know this doesn't count as a book but I've got to say- I just love "Mad Libs." In fact you might say I'm "mad" for "Mad-Libs" (get it?). I play the Libs with my friends all the time and they just love it. I did one just last night called "A Trip to the Fuck You" and I swear I nearly crapped a green brick from laughing so hard. I just wish my friends were a little more inventive, because whenever I ask for a verb they always say "piss off" and honestly- there's only so many scenarios into which I can work that phrase.
One book I actually HATED was "The DaVinci Code." I much prefer the far superior work, "The Rembrandt Configuration," which covers a lot of ground "The DaVinci Code" left out. Plus you can read it on an airplane without everyone thinking you're a tosser who only reads books they sell at the airport, etc.
