Adam

Born Leonardo Del Montego, in a small Italian village not far from the beautiful gardens of El Vachro, I was baptised and entered into a small Catholic school near the Yugoslavian border. One dark and unfortunate night, Yugoslavian gypsy bandits abducted my barely cogniscent self and escaped deep into the Romanian forests, many hundreds of miles away. During my formative years in this awful and twisted prison of bark, I was forced to make leather pants 18 hours a day for the pagan religious festival of Ach-vin`Sarchael. Eventually a young fellow captive named L. Ron Hubbard aided in my release by offering his firm and tender body to be bukkaked by 1,000 leprosy-ridden villagers. I made my way to America, changing my name and my appearance, thanks to my newfound wealth in trading baby seal skins, and the plastic surgery expertise of L.A.'s most famous breast enhancement clinic. To this day I make it my goal in life to teach all of the world's children that through hard work, love and an unending desire to do good, they too may overcome the pressures of having the world's largest penis.