Colin Dempsey

New York City Comedian. I am easy going but have panic attacks sometimes, not always violent. I like to relax by giving myself a back massage or by dropping objects from a great height. I have no pets due to a court order restricting me of any responsibility, but I can baby sit children through a loop hole in New York state law ($18/Hr). I like music, swimming, looking down from high places and tumbling on carpet. I also like to descend the stairs in my house on my belly and talk to people on the street through my letter box. I can only sleep on my left side, I fart in private and get excited about taking a dump because its an unofficial 15 min break from work that I get piad for. I worry about everything from hands coming out from under my bed to grab my feet accompanied with a high pitched scream first thing in the morning to the appearance of a child corpse singing demented nursery ryhmes at the end of my bed. Im a morning pooper and regular as an atomic clock, even though I consume no fiber what-so-ever as part of my diet. I work out simply because everyone else does and I may have to fight one of those people in a bar someday. I also like to daydream as life is so mind numbingly boring I often find myself fighting back tears for no reason while fixing a paper jam in my HPofficejet 4110. I hate 98.5% of every single person I meet, and find that almost half of that 1.5% of "workable people", I have developed a fake laugh for! I have chronic heartburn, constantly, and at the rate Im consuming TUMS-Ultra I will have Gall Stones the size of a basketballs this time next year. As was once said in the Bible..."It is easier for a rich man to pass through the eye of a needle than it is for a man to pass Gall Stones of any size". I like to do a shot of whiskey with Listerine Mouthwash first thing in the morning, I call this drink the "Fire starter Sunrise". I also drink coffee and tea mixed in tall glass topped with Red Bull. This helps me get through the opening hour of the day at least. This drink I have nicknamed "The Bomb". The remainder of the day I just zombie out and think of all the huge mistakes and wrong turns I took during my life. When I get home I ly on my bed and stare at the ceiling daydreaming, then I microwave a can of Tuna while still in the can. This way I can hear when its done because the explosion can generally be heard even when Im masturbating in the shower. The remainder of my night will generally consist of hurling insults at Bill`O Reilly on Fox news while wearing my "Relaxing Suit". This basically is the top half of an expensive suit and the lower half is ass-less leather chaps, like what a gay cowboy would wear if he was going for a job interview 140 years ago. The other nights are just court order trips to my doctor for an array of injections. One time when I was on my own I built a fort out of my parking tickets and hooked up a car battery to my roommates door knob. Now he has a stutter and is paralyzed on one side of his face. He even lost his job! Its a crazy world.......I am currently recording a relaxation CD entitle "Power Relaxation - Stress reduction for on the go people" its a series of ultra high intensity 2 minute power relaxation sessions were I,via the use of my voice, shout relaxing commands to encourage stress reduction such as "RELAX!! AND SIT DOWN" "YOU KNOW YOU CAN DO THIS, WHAT? YOU WANNA DIE OF A HEART ATTACK BEFORE 50! GET REAL AND SHUT UP" "THIS NIGHTMARE CAN END" it can be very full on but its a no bullshit ride for the serious relaxerer! I cover all aspect in stress relief under several chapters "Anti-Aneurysm Attack" "Put up your feet, bring down the heart beat" "Ulcer Shmulcer" "Pins and needles = Sins of Eating"It will be in the stores this year, please buy one, if you dont you could die prematurly and it will be all your own fault -Colin