no longer in use

What to say about me... I could start by giving the same information that we all seem to crave about others as a means to pacify our own need for security. I could even boast over and over again with endless rhetoric and terminology that would have you believe me to be the most impressive being ever to come into creation. Or I could linger on how life hasn't quite met my personal expectations and show how moody and adorable I can really be. I could wow you with nothing more than pieces of existence wrapped nicely into metaphors and myths that have more meaning than this species will ever give notice or acknowledgement to. I could even entice you with all of my fantasies and allow you to be spellbound by the madness that is my passion. I could just pretend to be anyone but myself and hope and pray that you'd somehow still accept and love me... Or I could just begin by saying this. I bleed like everyone else. I have a passion for knowledge and life, although even I have interest in knowing what's at the end of that dark alley. I tend to lose interest in things too easily because the sychronization of civilization is so far from the natural ebb and flow of the universe that at times I get lost in it all. Every now and then I lose touch with everyone of you and in doing so I find a sort of peace that comes over me and gives insight and comfort that I've never felt with another living being... As we know them to be. But I've seen glimpses of what that divine consciousness that overcomes all when we begin to believe in something more than ourselves in the eyes of those that I've loved or been drawn to over and over again. Leaving me no choice but to assume that that peace lies within the eyes of another. I believe in fate. Destiny. And love at first sight. Love isn't learning to understand another. It isn't trainging oneself to accept all of the things that you're attracted to or interested in to the point that you start to believe those qualities to be the feeling itself. It's knowing without a doubt in an instant as if hit by lightning and somehow charged with the wisdom of the universe.... How to interact with someone in the unconscious. When you are able to sense them beyond all phyical being to the extent that you no longer have to question the why's of that attraction.... You've found love. I cannot comprehend anyone who has no respect for this. And won't. I'm someone that you might believe to be the life of a party one moment and then the next you'd see me alone at that party... With a distant look in my eyes as though I'm not even there. It's normal for me. I'm not the easiest person to get opinions or input from. I tend to pay such close attention to all things at once that I won't give my input until I have a response that cannot be disputed. It's my need to salvage my own confidence so as to not bruise the ego at all costs. And so that I don't hurt someone else by speaking without truly thinking about what I'm saying. I've had phases to where I've seemed to others I'm sure as though I'd lost all sanity. And times as well to where others were in awe of one thing or another about me when it comes to what I was dealing with that they were unaware of. I don't like to bother others with my problems. It takes alot for me to ask advice or for help. It's not pride. It's a matter of feeling as though I've failed if I have to sway the will of another to do something for me. I believe in listenting to that inner voice. The real one. Not the stimulated replica of our consciousness that takes on the worst of human traits and attempts to have us lose our way. I am a firm believer in developing your psyche... As often as possible and by any means necessary. So long as you harm noone else in the process. I'm hard to define with words. Hence my inability to give you all of the usual small talk that most people are so comfortable with when getting to know others. I find alot of it useless in finding out who someone truly is. I never linger on the words themself. But the power of the tones and the meaning that goes beyond our defintion of that word. I'm not the richest person on the planet. I'm not the most physically appealing. I'm not even the most intelligent as far as mankind's means of measuring such a thing is concerned. But I'm by far the only person that you'll ever meet that will affect you the way that I do. Never again in life will you meet anyone that will have this feeling when in my presense. And that makes me alone worth getting to know. Some things only happen once in eternity and we never know once they're gone if the were meant to be a part of our life. Our experience. Our comprehension. Our consciousness. I tend to ride that comet until the very end screaming and laughing all through the night sky... Who wants to be left behind? Not I. Oh... by the way. I'm a 31 year old pre-operative transsexual. I just thought that I'd throw that in for your learning pleasure. It's a huge part of who and what I am. No guessing games where I'm concerned.