I am a tragic and beautiful swan. My wings are wings of love and shelter for all good people. It may sound like a joke but it's not. I could comfort the fuck out of you with my wings.
the many and varied glories of the divine Jane Park.
devil's music, girlie drinks, logic games, no-limit poker, speaking with air-hyphens, bulerias, making lists, fleshy women, running really fast, entrees featuring facon, paddle sports, kissy kissy, when republicans die, arm wrestling and lacy underwear.
Wait...
also tropcial fruits, when plastic surgery goes bad, the key of A minor, speed chess, speed scrabble, head rubs, shaving (not), men with smaller penises than me, Robotron, people who look good going gray, sashimi, juggling, commands in the forms of questions, foos-ball, driving too fast, mountains *literally* mountains of cocaine, decorative pepper grinders and tennis shoes that can't possibly go with any outfit.
Fuck, I almost forgot...
exotic blow-job techniques, The Smiths, proposition betting, Slinkies, drinking at work, stealing from work, sleeping at work, sleeping with the boss' wife at work, sleeping with the boss' wife on his desk and smoking his cigars at work while his wife acheives new levels of ecstacy and then finding a twenty behind his chair (yes!), Vinnie, drinking games, gay people and clean sheets.
And then there's just...
copyright infringement, vaginas, books on tape, balsalmic vinegar, when sports teams leave town, caber tossing, Three's Company, palm muting, quarters, dog parks, faux painting, non-accredited religious colleges, impromptu extreme sports, Lite Brites, when competing hangovers cancel each other out, virgin sacrifice, goth kids in the summer, made up parking lot games, perspective drawing, funny accents, Japanese porn, salads that serve as whole meals, drunken secrets, lockets with hidden compartments, the classic tibia/fibula debate, stay-at-home dads, millipedes, people with too many records, electricity, bubble wrap fetishes and free beer.
...
pears on sandwiches, whittling, sleep-overs in cabins, loud purple clothing, breathatarians, Soupy Sales, whippits, designer juices, guerilla marketing, the fibonacci sequence, cartoon theme parks, child leashes, Mormon jokes, candy that's painful to eat, the phrases "yeah, no" and "no, yeah", strip-o-grams, retorts that appear to be sexual innuendos but don't make any sense, smoking bans, mockumentaries, Rorschach sweat patterns on work-out shirts, people with Star Wars figurine collections, euphemisms for masturbating, wrestling, wrestling with flip flops on, wrestling with only flip-flops on, dodeca-fuck-yous, hard to remember mnemonic devices, super hero pajamas, non-symmetrical faces, saying one thing when you mean another, games that reward people for knowing unhealthy ammounts of rock trivia, chromatic progressions, corduroys, kickball, when anger or surprise drives a man to use falsetto, pretend illness, harems, scare 'ems, bustin' a sag and shoplifting items in personal cavities.
Oh yeah, and tear-away velcro clothing.
People who: