Joe

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TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF - The Survey
Name: Joe
Birthday: 22/10/80
Birthplace: Manchester, Afganistan
Current Location: Salford, Afganistan
Eye Color: grey, black and white with red blood vessels (booze related)
Hair Color: Heir White mein fhurer.
Height: 6 ft 2"
Right Handed or Left Handed: which ever suits you or both if you like, up to my elbows if you like?
Your Heritage: My uncle was Count Drakula
The Shoes You Wore Today: Flippers- I went swimming with sharks in the Bridgewater Canal. One of them bit my leg off. I lost so much blood I am now dead.
Your Weakness: Heroin- I have it on my cornflakes every morning.
Your Fears: My smack dealer wont turn up and I'll have to run out and buy some sugar
Your Perfect Pizza: endangered species pizza: Polar bear, camels, Bornean shrew moth, Spearmint Rhino, dwarf panda. And Mock Turtle soup for starters.
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year: I have achieved my lifelong dream of shearing seventy nine ants in less time than it takes for a trained dentist to extract a seven year old childs teeth using only seventeenth century implements.
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger: Sorry I don't use that one. I prefer 'dead slow' messenger.
Thoughts First Waking Up: Shit, state on that, how the f+*k did I end up marrying that fat b**ch.
Your Best Physical Feature: My balls 'cos I shave them.
Your Bedtime: I don't sleep. I am part of a government experiment.
Your Most Missed Memory: My memory is totally f*&cked from eating too many sugarpuffs.
Pepsi or Coke: I prefer drinking human piss from someone.
MacDonalds or Burger King: I love fur burgers. I love to lick them.
Single or Group Dates: Gangbangs with Danish Elves. Thay cook breakfast after you see!
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: Breast Milk
Chocolate or Vanilla: I prefer Neapoliton, no I mean Napoleon Brandy.
Cappuccino or Coffee: I praise Starbucks for inventing the Mug, I can't believe no-one thought of it earlier.
Do you Smoke: don't smoke de pipe, don't smoke de riffa.
Do you Swear: I only swear at people with tourettes 'cos they swear at me the motherfukkas
Do you Sing: I sing when I am winning like Robbie Williams. Robbie Williams is my hero, he is better than Take That any day.
Do you Shower Daily: Every day? Are you some sort of obsessed clean freak who can't leave the house for fear that they may come into contact with microbes? I have baths gayboys.
Have you Been in Love: No. I'm gonna marry a Russian Bride once I have saved up for her plane ticket. She won't walk it lazy b&$cch!
Do you want to go to College: I think education is important which is why I read the dictionary on the shi%$er. I ran out of bog roll last week tho and had to wipe my arse with AA-BA. It were a sloppy one.
Do you want to get Married: Yeah, to that Russian Bride, the lazy b&*ch. I'm gonna make her pay once she gets here!! She is gonna be chained to that bed for months. Don't worry I'm gonna feed her like. Chill out.
Do you belive in yourself: I always tell the truth, even when I lie.
Do you get Motion Sickness: I'm sick of these questions now if that counts, are these questions in motion? They will be when I throw my computer out of the window.
Do you think you are Attractive: Loose metal objects are drawn to me. I think its 'cos of my magnetic personality.
Are you a Health Freak: I went to the gym once, it were proper sh*te I tell the. Sept for the fit birds, they were pretty mint with sweatty tits which I like.
Do you get along with your Parents:
Do you like Thunderstorms: I prefer taking a sh*t
Do you play an Instrument: I play the pube harp with Billy Connelys beard pubes.
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol: I've got to start going to meetings, I'm not taking the piss either, oh no thats for shoplifting, next Thursday, see you there Brendan.
In the past month have you Smoked: Only opeum like I say the police can't pin anythin on me tho 'cos its all hearsay and conjecture, theyll never get me to sign that statement. Ass
In the past month have you been on Drugs: I feel like I've already answered that one. If I were to say any more I would surely be incrimina..ting myself and subjecting myself to the laws of serfdom which govern this country and may result in my incineration.
In the past month have you gone on a Date: Yeah with Cilla Black. She gives a mint nosh.
In the past month have you gone to a Mall: Go Trafford Centre innit, get me chinos innit, go KFC innit, wicked.
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos: Only a few biscuits can truly compare to digestives with caramel, you know the ones.
In the past month have you eaten Sushi: No but some of me mates tell me its raw fish like, that is proper crank I tell the. If you eat it you get tapeworms as well and they pop out of your arse when your asleep. What if one crawled out of your arse when you were asleep then went on the rampage then crawled back up your arse with stolen goods.
In the past month have you been on Stage: I believe life is a stage like the Trueman show. I have a deep form of paranoid psychosis.
In the past month have you been Dumped: Yeah pure man, I get over it quickly tho cos thats the sort of guy I am.
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping: Yeah man
In the past month have you Stolen Anything: I nearly stole a drink off this tramp the other day but it doesnt count if you just tip it straigt over his head does it. Didn't know it was meths. He went up a treat, he were smokin like
Ever been Drunk: Constantly which is why I love everyone all the time.
Ever been called a Tease: Na
Ever been Beaten up: Don't do that I run away then climb a lamppost.
Ever Shoplifted: Yeah man, every day. Mans got to feed his family in Russia innit.
How do you want to Die: I never want to die and I truly believe I am imortal.
What do you want to be when you Grow Up: A mother chuffin chuffer chuffer yeah. Its like a bouncy castle rental expert.
What country would you most like to Visit: Danny Walleces Flat, thats a country innit? either that or portugal or even moldova if your payin for the ticket
In a Boy/Girl..
Favourite Eye Color: Any as long as theres only 1 an its in the middle like Layla off Futurama.
Favourite Hair Color: Two tone dyes, cos it shows the b*tch has her own doe. I don't wanna have to pay for our dates, f%$k that!
Short or Long Hair: Whatever suits them, know what I mean. Its not a one size fits all answer except if they have short hair birds can look a bit like dykes. They need hairy arses tho thats important.
Height: Not ar%ed
Weight: As long as theyre not too fat mate, fat b&^ches make me sick, they are so lazy the fat f%^kers, yeah you know who you are, just stop stuffing your face for ten minutes then you would lose some weight. And stop complaining about being such a fat mess the whole time!! Its your own fault everyone can see how much you eat!! You fat mess
Best Clothing Style: As long as the girl has a sense of fashion its ok. Horses for courses innit. I pink trackies are defos in with me tho. They should more or less be standard isse.
Number of Drugs I have taken: Absolutely pure cos they make you feel mint, especially PCP, that is top.
Number of CDs I own: not that many. I stopped buying them when I started to illeagally download all my music an put it on my Ipod. Yeah interpol, thats what I do bisniatch!!
Number of Piercings: 57 in my balls
Number of Tattoos: Iv'e got one of a grenade on the inside of my rectum.
Number of things in my Past I Regret: Not taking that shot at Rod Hull when I had a clean shot. I left it too late and ended up killing his 16 year old gay lover frankie. Sorry Frankie, RIP.
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