I am a dynamic figure often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the areas of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.
Using only a hoe and a glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. When I am bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hangliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.
I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number 9 and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal force demonstration. I bat .400. Children trust me.I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week. When I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.
I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic and my bills are all paid. I breed prize-winning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin.