John - ProfilesArchive

About Me

I try to believe in God...but then I think: How can God exist in a world with all this pain and suffering, war and death, and where I can't get laid even with a 6-pack of GHB and and a pocketful of astro-glide?!? It's just not right. I am a college graduate...I think. I am old and all my friends are getting married and I still can't find a comfortable position to masturbate in. I like to drink large quantities of alcohol because it fills up the seeping black hole inside of me that was created when my favorite TV show "The Greatest American Hero" was cancelled after just three seasons in 1983...Of course, my Psychiatrist likes to point out that 1983 was the same year that I was anally raped by a Carnie at a local Carnival...but I think that's just a coincidence. I read a lot of books and try to pretend that I'm smart...but I'm not. All I really want to do is learn how to play the Banjo and marry a sassy girl from Tennessee (or however you spell it...fuck Mississippi and Tennessee) I am a perfectionist in areas that are not beneficial to me at all, i.e. I spell checked the words Mississippi and Tennessee to make sure they were correct because I wouldn't want any 16 year old sluts or crappy local bands to think that I am not a credible speller. I misspelt Mississippi...I would never commit suicide...but if I got accidentally hit by a bus, I wouldn't mind...

My Interests

Stand-Up Comedy, Cinematography, Writing (even though I never do it). Reading books that make me realize that there's more out there than this bum-fuck existence that I somehow got tossed into. The Real Estate Market and the fact that I will never be able to afford a home unless I kill some old lady and pry the deed from her pruny, lifeless fingers. Being optimistic.

I'd like to meet:

Somebody

Music:

Sinatra is GOD or god is SINATRA...I haven't figured out which is which, yet...

Movies:

"THE JANITOR"....All of the "The Road To..." movies, Fight Club, All Wes Anderson's Films, and all sorts of other stuff...

Television:

Daily Show w/ John Stewart, Late Nite w/ Conan O'Brien, South Park, Family Guy, Dr. Phil (just kidding I hate that fat balding S.O.B.) and I also think all the reality shows are the work of the Devil... actually the devil's not that bad...so it's probably God...man, screw that guy!!!

Books:

Joseph Cambell is ineffable, Kerouac "IS", John Steinbeck, J.D. Salinger, Tom Robbins, Chuck Palahniuk, Henry Miller, John Fante, Charles Bukowski, Greek Mythology, Porn...

Heroes:

Ghandi...cuz he's the most famous guy with an eating disorder...it's about time we expose that hidden epidemic...

My Blog

25 Question Survey

Hey Guys,I got really bored, so...I finally have gotten around to answering one of these quizzes...here it goes...(Thanks Andy...)1)How old are you? -I am 27...almost 28...tee hee...2)What's your mid...
Posted by John on Fri, 28 Sep 2007 04:13:00 PST

I’d like to say a prayer...and drink to world peace...

How come nobody writes bulletins at 4:29 in the a.m.?!?4:29 is a very important number...If you're a stoner...you've probably taken nine hits since it was 4:20...and nine is a magical number...and by ...
Posted by John on Tue, 25 Sep 2007 05:07:00 PST

Deep Philosophical Meanderings about Stuff...

It's 6am and I have a stiff drink in my hand...you know what that means?!?Time to write a blog...It's been a while...the majority of my previous blogs have been written in the afternoon after a nice c...
Posted by John on Mon, 17 Sep 2007 06:52:00 PST

When you’re a boyscout...you learn to always bring vasaline...

Hey everybody,I'm sure the millions of my fans out there have been wondering what I have been up to since the band broke up...it's a natural feeling...don't be ashamed...Let me fill you in...I'm doing...
Posted by John on Wed, 12 Sep 2007 12:16:00 PST

Could I have a side of Ranch Dressing with my ranch dressing?!?

Dear Ma'ams, Sirs, Misseses, and Misters,I have my 10 year High School Reunion coming up...and I still have acne...Just like my parents...I didn't expect much from my life...but I really thought that ...
Posted by John on Fri, 31 Aug 2007 03:39:00 PST

I got $40 bucks riding on the midget...

It's a constant battle when you're single...you enjoy your freedom...and lord your lack of restraints over the heads of your friends who have them...But you also envy those friends a little...the inti...
Posted by John on Fri, 13 Apr 2007 03:13:00 PST

Did you ever want to shoot yourself in the face with a shotgun?!?

Dear Magic Frog That Answers My Blog,How have you been? Yeah? I have warts too...Don't worry about it too much...Sometimes I think I'm really funny and talented...and then I watch Old Home movies an...
Posted by John on Tue, 10 Apr 2007 01:20:00 PST

Chapter 5: CHILD PORNOGRAPHY...but in a good way

Dear Readers, er...uhh, reader, or...umm, me,Some of you might know that I finally moved out of my parents house a few months ago...it only took me a few decades and several light-hearted hints from m...
Posted by John on Fri, 09 Mar 2007 03:12:00 PST

Generic "asians are bad drivers" spiel

Dear Diary,Today I was driving down the street minding my own business...when all of a sudden a car pulled out of a grocery store parking lot without noticing me. I quickly slammed on my breaks narro...
Posted by John on Wed, 24 Jan 2007 03:10:00 PST

Random Thoughts...

Hey People,If you were living in the Depression Era...and you had barely and food and every night you almost froze to death...wouldn't you just act like a big asshole and make your kids act like spoil...
Posted by John on Wed, 06 Dec 2006 10:58:00 PST