Here's what I hate: Cheaters, liars, fashion victims, victims of Nigerian phone scams, animal abuse, eggshells in my omelets, speedos, thong exercise wear, the words 'slacks', bad handwriting, sweatbands, standing in line for anything, arguing, dog shit, stripper poles, that fucking insipid dip-shit Carlos Mencia, stepping in gum, putting my hand in someone's old chewed up wad under the table- what the fuck is that about and why does everybody do it???, Designer Impostors, the swap meet, that white Jell-o in the Chinese buffet, sleaze with no point, hangovers, wedgies, FUPAS, ugly or poorly maintained feet, Cloves, B.O., my natural hair color, blisters, paper cuts, being reminded of something I did while drunk, surprise cinnamon in blueberry pies (what the fuck was that shit, Mom?) nausea, heartburn, upset stomach, diarrhea, dog breath, running out of time, holes in my socks, "dutch ovens", drool, smelling other people's bad breath, listening to boring people, being doubted, tacky leopard print, people who say things like "for all intensive purposes" and "meanwhile, back at the ranch.., hangnails, flat tires, poor grammar, idiots, roller coasters, The Zipper, albinos, reading instructions, following instructions, dog people, and most of all- vegans.
Here's who I don't want to be friends with: Fucking Christians, Rap "artists", anyone with a fade, comedy clubs, or shitty bands. * * * *
I also don't think it unreasonable of me to want an otter pond, a tiger pen, a hedgehog burrow, and a nest of carnivorous eagles sitting and keeping watch over my rambling but well maintained estate.
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