NICK MESSITTE was born in the small farming community of Bucktail, Nebraska in June of 1911. His parents, Delilah and Francis, were strict Methodists, and instilled in young Nicholas the indomitable work ethic that he would display throughout his entire life. Nick did not develop an interest in politics until the age of 11, when he was elected to the student council of Joseph Alexander Middle School in Bucktail. From this point forward, his path was clear. In 1927, 15 year-old Nick was elected to the City Council of Bucktail, the second youngest member in the councils history (the youngest, Oinks the Pig, was elected in 1888 at the age of three). Nick attended the University of Nebraska, where he received his BA and a masters in Political Science, before being elected to the Nebraska state senate in 1940, and the US House of Representatives eight years later as a conservative Republican. Messittes term in the House was noteworthy for his staunch support of farmers rights, his unblemished record of voting against tax increases of any kind, and his propensity for farting loudly during the speeches of leading Democrats, in order to break their concentration, as he explained it. Messitte ran three failing campaigns for president, in 1956, 1960, and 1972. Messittes political career was permanently destroyed in April 1973, when a reporter, looking for his own room in a Holiday Inn, accidentally stumbled upon Congressman Messitte masturbating to a picture of Lassie. Crushed by the negative publicity spawned by Lassie-gate, the 62 year-old resigned from the Congress after a tearful farewell speech that concluded with the now-famous words fuck you, you grandfather banging pieces of shit. If I were you, I would never sleep again, because Im going to kill every last one of you skullfucks. Im out. Messitte moved back to Bucktail, where he has lived alone in an old cabin by Hucks Pond ever since. Messitte makes an annual pilgrimage to Bobs Fishbait and Grocery in downtown Bucktail once a year, reportedly to buy a years worth of canned ham, a years worth of Sunny Delight, and back issues of every nature, animal, and pet magazine available.
IAN POLLOCK was born deep in the jungle primeval. A child of the trees, the wind, the soil, and the rains, Pollock was lulled to sleep each night by the murmurings of the bugs and the rustle of the forest canopy, and awakened each morning by the shrieks of tropical birds and foraging monkeys. Pollock survived his dangerous childhood largely through the aid of Titi, a female gorilla who took in the young man-child and raised him as her own (literally to this day Pollock fondly remembers gorilla-milk). At the age of 14, Pollocks idyllic jungle boyhood came to an abrupt end when Titi was monkey-napped by an unscrupulous band of poachers seeking to sell her to a Peruvian zoo. Alone and confused, Ian was roused to a fury when he heard Titis faraway cries of distress echoing off the ancient trees of his jungle home. Although Ian cannot recall exactly what transpired over the next 24 hours, a local legend describes the savage murder of three foreigners by haw-shee, or the ugly ape man. The legend also includes a description of a smashed cage near the dead bodies, and later, sex noises of such riotous proportions that the deed is known locally as Hanky Panky of the Gods. Six years later, after the death of Titi, Pollock left his jungle home to follow a beautiful Argentinian transvestite adventurer and ornithologist whom Ian had spied taking samples of cockatoo shit from the jungle floor. Unfortunately, the love affair didnt quite work out for Pollock, and his desertion of his jungle home resulted in his capture and imprisonment in, ironically, the very same zoo to which Titi had been headed years earlier. The Centro Zoologico International de Lima reports that the Jungle Man has been making incredible progress in recent years he has a vocabulary of almost 100 words, has stopped walking on all fours, and most importantly, hasnt flung his feces at his keepers in almost four months. Way to go, Ian!
LEE PARDINI was born in New York City in 1985. He has lived, for the most part, a perfectly normal life. At the age of 3 weeks, Lee became the youngest person to ever complete the Boston Marathon, which he accomplished in just under 7 hours. On his first Birthday, Pardini published his first book, Songs of My Cradle, a collection of poems modeled around the Cantos of Ezra Pound. A few months later, Pardini wowed sports fans by pitching a no-hitter for the New York Yankees and scoring a triple double in a Knicks playoff game in the very same week. Between the ages of three and five, Lee devoted himself to learning every single language ever spoken on earth he achieved fluency in his last language, Sanskrit, in April of 1990. 1991 was a prolific year, even by Pardinis standards. He published his second book, the 34 volume A History of Everything, in February, negotiated a cease-fire among warring African tribes in June, starred with Sharon Stone in a sultry film entitled Dangerous Games, which was released in November, and received his Ph. D. from Harvard in Neuromolecular Biology in December (he had begun graduate work in September). In 1992, Pardini met Hilda, a German expatriate anarchist and stripper, who would be the love of the young mans life and bear him 56.4 children over the next four years. Between the years of 1992 and 1996, Lee wrote 12 more books, starred in 76 more movies, patented 1215 inventions, saved the world from nuclear holocaust on at least four occasions, won every gold medal in the Olympics, received his JD, MD, and two more Ph.Ds, and was elected President, an honor which he graciously declined, citing an aversion to wearing a suit. At this point, Lee was 12 years old, and was ready for a challenge. He set about his greatest adventure yet seeking, by mind power alone, to again unite all the continents of the world in a single really big continent. Lee achieved this goal last week, when residents of China awoke to find the Seattle space needle in their backyard, and stodgy Britons and Greasy New Yorkers were shocked to find themselves face to face. For now, Pardini needs a little time off, and is grateful for the opportunity to work on his pet project, a life-size topographical model of the United States, built out of M&Ms.»-(¯`v´¯)-» My name is Derell, and i'm here to make you doo in your pants...REAL HARD. «-(¯`v´¯)-« I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT YO MOMMA TO A FUNKY BEAT.
