I no longer have a beard. R.I.P. Hipster Me.
Asher Rapkin was born in New York City in 1982. He has lived, for the most part, a perfectly normal life. At the age of 3 weeks, Asher became the youngest person to ever complete the Boston Marathon, which he accomplished in just under 7 hours. On his first Birthday, Rapkin published his first book, Songs of My Cradle, a collection of poems modeled around the Cantos of Ezra Pound. A few months later, Rapkin wowed sports fans by pitching a no-hitter for the New York Yankees and scoring a triple double in a Knicks playoff game in the very same week. Between the ages of three and five, Asher devoted himself to learning every single language ever spoken on earth he achieved fluency in his last language, Sanskrit, in April of 1987. 1988 was a prolific year, even by Rapkins standards. He published his second book, the 34 volume A History of Everything, in February, negotiated a cease-fire among warring African tribes in June, starred with Sharon Stone in a sultry film entitled Dangerous Games, which was released in November, and received his Ph. D. from Harvard in Neuromolecular Biology in December (he had begun graduate work in September). In 1990, Rapkin met Hilda, a German expatriate anarchist and stripper, who would be the love of the young mans life and bear him 56.4 children over the next four years. Between the years of 1990 and 1994, Asher wrote 12 more books, starred in 76 more movies, patented 1215 inventions, saved the world from nuclear holocaust on at least four occasions, won every gold medal in the Olympics, received his JD, MD, and two more Ph.Ds, and was elected President, an honor which he graciously declined, citing an aversion to wearing a suit. At this point, Asher was 12 years old, and was ready for a challenge. He set about his greatest adventure yet seeking, by mind power alone, to again unite all the continents of the world in a single really big continent. Asher achieved this goal last week, when residents of China awoke to find the Seattle space needle in their backyard, and stodgy Britons and Greasy New Yorkers were shocked to find themselves face to face. For now, Rapkin needs a little time off, and is grateful for the opportunity to work on his pet project, a life-size topographical model of the United States, built out of M&Ms.-Courtesy of Yale Historian K. Stephen Prince.Oh, and I ofter have delusions of grandeur. For serious.