I was born to a New Jersey family in an asian mining colony in Brazil. I spent many years as a child painting piano keys different colors. When I turned 12, I joined the queen's Royal Air Force and kept a diary of my missions, which was then stolen and made into a Hollywood movie entitled "Top Gun". I then traveled to Europe where I toured with a motorcycle mime troupe where I played "Pinto, the Third Wheel". During that brief brush with success, I met Dee Dee Ramone who used to cop drugs from me. With that money, I opened my first "Petite Bar" in Australia, where women only under 5 feet tall were allowed to enter. Seeing that American Basketball was all the rage at the time, I was forced to sell the bar to an independent dingo herder who ran an escort service for Navy officers and members of the INXS fan club.
Then, at 14, I swam......a lot.
At 15, I put together my first Men at Work tribute album which was only distributed in the Smokey Mountains in the States. With platinum success, I used my royalties to buy a hang glider and a very powerful desk fan. The next 4 days were a blur. I then moved to Detroit and finished High School in the top 4% of my class and returned the following year teaching a class on "How to Fold Soup".
After a mistaken identity run-in with the Secret Service concerning Olivia Newton-John and white wall tires, I then moved to California to cure the common cold and score hot chicks. I used my motorcycle troupe experience to sell gum. To further my status among the very timid strippers and mud wrestlers, I became a tattoo artist going under the moniker of, "Abe Linkin U Fukker". My only claim to fame though, was inking the "Every Rose has it's Thorn" tattoo on Bret Michaels of Poison.
Growing tired of all the snow and hailstorms, I decided to give away my current script in progress, "The May-Tricks" to my personal valet and took a first class ticket on Greyhound to Cartersville, Georgia. I only stayed around long enough to piss off the locals, shoplift from Wal-mart, and see a rock n' roll trio who I thought were Marvelous. I then wandered across the open country where I pikced up a rare case of dyslexia. It wsa not a bgi prolbem and I hvae sicne conqured it.
I then returned to the exciting world of the music business for it's stability and honesty. I started my own label called "Look, Another Effing Label" and signed a great Creed wanna-be band called Pearl Jam and any girl that would show me her boobs. After the band's singer started taking Zoloft, I knew the end of the band was near so I folded the label (much like soup) and took a quick tour of Africa with only my polaroid collection, a glass of iced tea, and the first two live albums from KISS. Once there, I had sushi with Rick Nielson and Henry Rollins. Go figure.....
I supported myself briefly by giving swing-dance lessons in Kenya, but the pressure was too great because I was on a $12.49 a day cotton candy habit. So, I returned to the United States through Mexico, and finally settled in South Florida for it's lack of humidity, laid back culture, and incredible mountain views. Besides, I speak russian like most of it's population. I then sailed the Isle of Lucy on a ship constructed of all the unsold CDs of American Idol contestants and ended up in Atlanta where I now manufacture and distribute custom name-tags.
Oh, I also sang on Danger Danger's "Screw It" album as part of the Ft. Lauderdale Choir. If you don't believe me, go look. Go ahead, I'll wait.....
Click HERE if you want to see me on my web-cam. I am sooooo naughty.
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