Jesus of Nazareth

I was born in a shitty little manger outside the city walls of Bethlehem. My dad, Joseph, was a carpenter like me and a lot of people say my mom was a virgin (but I later heard that was only true if you don't consider anal). Either way, my birth was a really rockin' bash and dad said that the Little Drummer Boy did this AWESOME 15-minute drum solo. These three guys also gave me some frankincense, gold, and myrrh... although, to be honest, we still haven't used the myrrh. Then we left to Egypt for a few months but I really grew up in my hometown of Nazareth. Being a kid in the Eastern Provinces of the Roman Empire was pretty typical -- Little League on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturday afternoons; paper-boy when I was 13; those curious teenage years when I first discovered wine, togas, and what exactly goes on at those Roman orgies everyone was always talking about. Oh yeah, I also played the timbrel in my high school marching band, mostly before gladiatorial matches and during half-time.I sort of drifted during my twenties after I found that my acting career was going nowhere. I did do a brief stint on "Palatine Hill 90210" but that ended after only a few episodes. That's when I took up fishing and some magic on the side. I found that my magic shows really drew the crowds in, especially the chicks, so eventually started doing that full-time. I met alot of hotties back then. For example, Mary Magdalene (this BANGING Jewish broad that saw my show a few time) kept following me around with her sweet crew of bodacious babes. Twelve guys started following me around too just like the sexy mamas and, I'm still not quite sure what they were really after, but, TRUST ME, I never gave it to them. Jesus doesn't bat for the other team.Well, to make a long story short, the local cops didn't really dig my shows. F*cking pigs. They broke up a few of them after some of the mosh pits (I still haven't figured out what moshers were doing at magic shows) got out of hand and, eventually, nailed me to a wooden cross and allowed me to bleed and starve to death. I thought a fine would have been more appropriate, maybe even a few points off my driver's licence, but go figure.Oh yeah, I'm also the Son of God.