spinster bitch

VEGAN FEMINIST manic-depressive bookworm word-drunk divorcee spinster-wanna-be w/ 3 dogs, a dwarf hamster named Boffin, atheist or evil pagan tendencies, a morbid & neurotic sense of humor, & sapphic leanings. so yeah, i tend to prefer women over men, for what i think are obvious, aesthetic and practical reasons. and i like the word sapphic. i'm a lesbian- with exceptions. those exceptions tend to occur when i'm in a truly urban area and when the guy is terribly smart, witty, eccentric, creative, political (in a very unapologetic VERY left-wing fact-knowing way, perhaps with a marxian socialist or anarchist spirit), handsome, and a reader/film-lover/music-lover who also does not become abrasive or scamper away in fear due to words like "feminism" or "veganism". (which goes along with radical politics, though i don't see what's so extremist about a genuine conscience.) and...i don't do drugs unless you count my lousy prescribed meds which are legal but lethal. i feel them killing me as i type right now. i usually hate talking on the phone. it is often terrifying. i feel i was born in the wrong era. i love window-shopping in the dusk. i am clumsy & awkward. i was a selective mute as a child, for a while. i cut my own hair (which is obvious.) though i'm growing it long again. long-long. it makes me very nervous when anyone shows up at my house uninvited or without proper notice. i don't know if this is something i want to change about myself or not. i'm easy to enable, & sick of this. i want an old typewriter because i love the sound of typing out words and then feeling them on the page, almost like braille or neatly squashed ants. i want a gramophone and a samovar and a record-player and an old, old, very saturated-red telephone that takes forever to dial as the killer approaches, etc etc. i am always late and i cancel plans way too often. i get panic attacks and migraines and i have agoraphobic tendencies. i don't know why i have so many friends or acquaintances who tolerate me. weird (or not?) facts: i like mowing the lawn and i like going to the dentist. i usually like sleeping alone, though it's cozy to have rachel or erika or julie or jenna in my bed. um. i don't kill roaches or wasps or slugs or any other "undesirables"; i catch & release them. i wear headphones when i'm driving, which i know is appalling, insane, most likely illegal etc etc. i love spiders & snakes & crows & rats... i would like a tarantula to perch on my shoulder. i would give him a name. i love single malt scotch, NEAT, but also have a weakness for wild turkey 101, yet i must avoid these vices due to, you know, like, cirrhosis, the practically apocalyptic epidemic of alcoholism, public displays of unbridled lesbianism, & other little things like that. i have an obsession with the persona, the janus if you will. human complexity. contradictions, indiscrepancies, secrets, prevaricating, self-deprication, treachery, self-congratulatory self-deprication, pretending to be more interesting than we are (which makes us interesting.) what else? ok i used to break into my neighbors' houses when i was little to find out if they were murderers or witches. i like to put on lipstick & eye-makeup before i go to bed so it's smeary & exotic when i wake up. as a pre-teen i wanted to be a nun. i still have that fantasy, really. i am fond of solitude. i love reading the dictionary. i recommend certain chapters in particular, like "I," "A", "T", and "S." just saying. i've always been very shy but i tend to handle it differently now. (i used to be so reticent, now i ramble very nervously and embarrass and frustrate myself.) when i'm manic it's only exacerbated. oh i've so badly wanted an antique thimble, and now it turns out i've made a friend who HAS one and has GIVEN it to me! there IS a god! (maybe ;-))... i have a tendency to propose to various people...strangers as well as people i know. another hobby/habit is collecting those "have you seen me?" photos.i'm a flirt and polyamorous in feeling, in some ways, but i'm mostly celibate and..."no comment" if you've seen me behave otherwise. i hate pigeonholing, even though (being human and therefore flawed as hell) i sometimes do it myself.