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The Book of Whack - A Collection of Things That Disturb.I HATE:1) Watching people eat oysters, but mainly hearing people eat oysters. 2) When people drive really slow. 3) When people slow to a complete stop just to make a turn. 4) When people put the roll of toilet paper on backwards (it’s supposed to hang over, not under!) 5) When people use the last of the toilet paper and they don’t change the roll. 6) Taking the trash out. 7) Carrying massive amounts of clothes to the laundromat. 8) Mopping. 9) Losing all my cell phone numbers. 10) Trying to graduate but they won’t let you. 11) When you meet someone like 20 times and they still don’t (or act like they don’t) remember you. 12) When you’re wearing that glossy lipstick and the wind keeps blowing your hair, and then your hair gets stuck to your lips, and then it wipes glossy shit all over your face. 13) When the wind blows my hair in my face. 14) When I over pack for a trip and still don’t bring anything right. 15) When people leave their smelly shit in my car. 16) When I can’t find my keys. 17) When people call me Nazrin, or Nahsrin, or Nassir, or Nazareth, or Nasarin. 18) Waiting in lines or in airports. 19) Sleeping upright like in a chair or on a plane. 20) Having to pee in the middle of the night when I’m camping. 21) People with garlic breath in confined spaces. 22) People who bump their boom box on the bus. 23) Being hung over in a hot place. 24) Cleaning turtle poop. 25) When people say “supposably” instead of “supposedly.” 26) When people touch my face. 27) When people say “oh you have such nice curly hair” and then they try to run their fingers through my hair, which fucks up my curls. 28) When you’re having a good day and someone says, “What’s wrong? You don’t look so good.” 29) Sandwich places that don’t have avocado. 30) When people do Donald Duck impersonations. 31) Dijon mustard. 32) Wasabi. 33) Getting all sweaty right after you take a shower. 34) Wedgies (or anything else with the tendency to “ride up.”) 35) The buzzing sound of alarm clocks. 36) The music they play when they put you on hold on the phone. 37) When some commercial or TV show has that stupid buzzing alarm clock sound in it that I hate, and the sound takes me back to that horrible feeling of having to wake up in the morning. 38) Parking tickets. 39) Getting towed. 40) Sweaty guys who take their shirts off and rub against you at the club. 41) Guys who have a goatie but it’s crooked. 42) When I think of something really good to add to the Book of Whack, but I don’t have it on me or I can’t find a pen. 43) When guys tell me I should smile. 44) When people misunderstand the Book of Whack and think I’m OC or extremely bitter. 45) When you spend the night with someone, but you have to get up early and they get to stay there and sleep in. 46) Being late. 47) When no one tells you there’s something stuck in your teeth, or anything else that would be beneficial to know that you are not aware of, but everyone else is. 48) Bad highlights. 49) Being forced to wear body glitter. 50) When you come home from being out all night and you have glitter all over you but it’s not yours. 51) When people roll my sock pairs into a little bundle – it turns them into quitters! 52) When people wear lots of perfume or cologne at the gym and as you are gasping for air you are forced to inhale all their fumes. 53) The smell of Icy Hot. 54) Cigarette smell in my hair. 55) Pizza that’s skimpy on sauce or soggy pizza that has too many toppings. 56) When you’re at a restaurant and they bring one person’s food out way ahead of everyone else. 57) Bottle caps that say stupid things inside them that don’t make sense. 58) Losing half an earring. 59) Fortune cookies that say some stupid saying instead of telling you your fortune. 60) When you’re wearing something and someone says “That’s cute – I have the same thing.” Or when you’re playing a record and someone says, “I have that track.” I don’t want to know when someone has the same shit as me. I probably will never use it again. 61) Mosquito bites, sand fly bites, and itchy bites of any type or variety. I mean, I don’t mind them taking a little blood, I have some to spare, but do they have to inject me with their itchy venomous fluids? 62) People who use a fork and knife to eat pizza or other finger foods. 63) When people cross their eyes. I don’t know, I always imagine they’re going to get stuck that way. 64) When your record won’t fit back into the sleeve. 65) When you can hear your voice echo on the phone. 66) When people who are going into somewhere don’t let the people who are coming out go first, like in an elevator or on the bus. 67) When clubs don’t have ins and outs. 68) The tangy gooey saliva feeling you get from cranberry juice. 69) When people make you take your shoes off at their house but the floor is really dirty, or you have some fucked up socks on that you don’t want anyone to see. 70) Bathrooms where you can’t find the light switch. 71) Bathrooms where the light switch is on the outside (I mean, I just don’t get the logic behind that.) 72) When you think you’ve met someone special that you really like a lot and then you find out they’ve “been around.” 73) When people have really really long recordings of some song on their outgoing message that you have to sit through every time you call cuz you can’t figure out how to bypass it, especially when it’s a bad recording and you can barely tell what the song is supposed to sound like. 74) When people are arguing with you even though they are saying the same thing as you are. 75) Being around couples who fight a lot. 76) Wearing a bobby pin that lost the little plastic coating on the tip. 77) Mini back pack purses. 78) Furry leopard print hats. 79) Sparkly urban cowboy hats. 80) When teachers don’t thoroughly erase the chalkboard and there are still all these spots left and then they start writing over it. 81) Really long hoochie nails that curl over. 82) Valentine’s Day (except for that it’s Greg Bird’s birthday.) 83) The fact that it only takes one hour for me to lose my voice for the rest of the weekend. 84) When my pants get wet at the bottom because my legs are too short and I am too lazy to hem all my pants, and then the wetness starts to seep up my leg and I look like a dirty raver. 85) When people only come up and talk to you because they are promoting some party, but they act like they are sincerely trying to be your friend at first and then – wham! They flyer yo ass! 86) When you wake up to a mosquito eating you alive and you turn on the lights but you can’t find the beeatch, and so you turn the lights back off, but then you can hear her buzzing around. 87) Car alarms that make a horn honking sound when you activate them. 88) Flyers on my windshield. I mean, I don’t think I ever went to a party that someone left the flyer for on my windshield. 89) Burning the roof of your mouth…makes me ask myself – why didn’t I just wait a little longer for the food to cool down? Instead, now I can’t taste anything for 3 days and it hurts when I eat. 90) When people kill bugs for no reason. 91) When someone calls you and doesn’t say who they are because they assume you know, but you don’t. And sometimes you try and fake it and wait for them to drop some kind of clue as to who they are. 92) Having to end an e-mail with something like “talk to you soon” or “cheers” or “peace out” or your name or some abbreviated form of your name, like the first letter. I mean, why can’t you just end an e-mail with the last sentence that you felt like writing? 93) When you pet a dog and it’s all smelly and then your hand smells like wet dog, especially when there won’t be an opportunity to wash your hands for a while. 94) When you call someone’s cell phone and after his or her outgoing message you have to listen to the operator say some shit for 3 minutes about “after the tone, please leave a message. When you are finished recording, you may hang up, or press 1 for more options. To leave a call back number, press 5.” It’s like hearing two outgoing messages. 95) When you try to skip someone’s outgoing message and you push the wrong button and you have to call back and try again. 96) Previews for a movie that don’t tell you anything about what the movie’s about. 97) When guys try to stick their finger in your butt. 98) Diet soda. 99) Sleeping in the middle between two people and so you can’t tuck the blanket under you on either side. 100) Weak ass massages. 101) When you’re talking for a while on the cell phone and you realize it got disconnected and you were talking to yourself. 102) When you’re having a really good dream and then you wake up and realize it didn’t happen. 103) Writing on the backside of a piece of paper when the front side bled through. 104) When a DVD starts skipping during whatever you’re watching and you can’t watch the rest of it. 105) When you forget what you’re talking about in the middle of your sentence. 106) Having to microwave an item a few times before it’s enjoyable. 107) Trance. 108) When you drop something in the toilet and have to fish it out. 109) Squeaky shoes. 110) When you’re in a rush and you keep hitting one red light after another. 111) People who talk too loud for no reason. 112) People who call you back before listening to the message you left them and then you have to repeat everything. Or people who never check their messages. 113) When someone takes a crap in the bathroom before you and then the person after you thinks you did it. 114) When you just wash your hands in the bathroom but then you have to touch the nasty germ ridden door handle on the way out. 115) When you order some kind of vegetable dish and it comes with meat in it. 116) People who leave really short boring generic voicemail messages like “hi. Call me back.” Because it’s really not worth the phone minutes to get a message like that. 117) When people get into a small fender bender kind of accident and they stop in the middle of the road to exchange information rather than pull over to the side of the road somewhere out of the way of traffic. 118) When people leave their windshield wipers on but it’s not raining anymore so it makes that dry rubbing sound. 119) When some car that’s driving in front of you decides to start cleaning their windshield and it sprays all onto your car. 120) When people leave comments on MySpace that say “thanks for the add,” or “Just giving a shout out,” or when they write a whole letter describing all these details that really should have been sent as mail and not as some comment that everyone needs to read. 121) Long drives with no music. 122) When the instructors at the gym play the same CD for like 3 years and they think nobody notices. 123) The titles of newspaper articles – they just don’t make any sense. 124) When people brag about how much money they make. 125) When people post flyers for their parties in my comments. 126) When sushi is too big to eat in one bite, so you try to eat it in two bites but then it falls apart and makes a big mess. 127) When I let someone play my records but they put everything back in the wrong sleeves and then I can’t find anything. 128) When you’re neighbor or roommate is someone who can sleep through their alarm clock. Because I can’t and their shit wakes me up. 129) When boys act all weird around you because of their jealous girlfriend, but then when she’s not there they suddenly act like your friend again. 130) Jealous significant others and cheaters (which seem to go hand in hand.) 131) When people wear denim with denim and it’s not the same color, or even when it is the same color, but especially when it’s not. 132) Martini glasses – they’re designed to spill. 133) When people at the record store try to be helpful but they don’t even know what you like and they start pulling out all these records for you and you feel like you have to listen to all of them because there just might be that one that you wouldn’t want to miss, but in the end, you don’t like anything and it’s a big waste of time. 134) The word ‘fiancé.’ 135) When you get your leftovers to go in a doggy bag but then you forget it in the restaurant. 136) The fact that when I take a picture, my left eye and my right eye never look quite the same. 137) When someone buys you a gift and then says, “If you don’t like it, I have a gift receipt.” I mean, the whole purpose of the gift receipt is that it’s supposed to be this discreet way of returning a gift without having to ask for the receipt or to see the price beforehand. But if you have to ask someone for the gift receipt then they’ll know you are going to return it. 138) When you buy some cheap socks and you try to put them on and they only come up half your foot. 139) Being told what kind of music to play. 140) When they have a character in a movie and they have some kid that plays a younger version of the character, but the kid and the character don’t look anything alike. 141) Wet socks. 142) When you’re waiting for someone and they keep stopping and talking to people. 143) When someone has bad breath and they keep trying to talk like 2 inches from your face. 144) How commercials are always way louder than the main program so all of a sudden some advertisement is blasting in your ears. 145) When telemarketers call your cell phone. 146) When some crack head wants to ask for money but they go into some elaborate story usually involving their kid and needing to get home or some shit…don’t they have any friends they could call? I can’t trust a mofo that doesn’t have any friends that would help them, and furthermore, I heard that story before! It can be entertaining, though… 147) Getting a cut under your fingernail. 148) When you peel an orange and get that sticky scaly shit all over your hands. 149) When you get a call from someone that you don’t remember meeting because you were too drunk. 150) When you wait forever for the bus to come and then all of a sudden there are 3 in a row. 151) When people park their car and there’s a gap in front and behind, and if they would just move over another car could fit in. 152) When you’re jumping on a trampoline and your leg gets caught in between the springs and the frame on the edge. 153) When you’re jumping on a trampoline and some big guy lands right before you and it sends you hurling off at some weird angle so you either fly off and land on the ground or land in that space at the edge between the springs and the frame. 154) Trying to show somebody something that you have done a million times but for some unexplained reason it doesn’t work. 155) When you can’t remember something you were just about to say, and then someone says, “it probably wasn’t that important.” I forget important shit, too. 156) When you lose something and then someone says, “Where was the last place you had it?” If I knew that, it wouldn’t be lost. 157) When you get one of those voice activated automated phone things but it keeps misunderstanding you and you find yourself yelling at a machine. 158) When there is a separate faucet for the hot and cold water. 159) When you want to leave someone a message and it says the mailbox is full. 160) When someone’s voicemail only lets me leave a short message and it always cuts me off. 161) When someone wears hemp jewelry continuously, and doesn’t realize that when you wear that shit in the shower it gets all moldy and smells gross. 162) When people shake the Polaroid picture because it ruins it when you do that. You’re supposed to let it sit somewhere flat as it develops. 163) Wire hangers. 164) When dogs try to give you their slobbery toys. 165) Jackets with no pockets. 166) When you’re coughing and someone starts hitting you on the back. I really don’t find that helpful. 167) When people never call and only send you text messages. 168) When you keep passing the same person when you’re driving because they slow down, you pass them, but then they speed up and pass you and then slow down again. 169) Folding the fitted sheets that go on the mattress. 170) When you try to give a guy a fake number and he calls it right in front of you and catches you in your lie. 171) TVs without remotes. 172) When you say something funny, but no one hears you except for one person, and then they repeat what you said louder and everyone starts laughing and they get the credit for your joke. 173) Having to wear a life vest and it smells all moldy and funky. 174) When people applaud the captain of an airplane after a crappy landing when they really should be throwing tomatoes at them. 175) When people never listen to what you say and then say the same thing and think it was their idea first. 176) When you tell a joke in a sarcastic teasing kind of way but the person you are talking to doesn’t get it because they’re all sensitive and then you have to actually follow it up with, “I was just kidding.” Because then it’s not funny anymore and instead it’s all awkward. 177) Mosquito bites in odd places like under your toes or on your scalp or your eyelid. 178) Fake studio audience laughing. 179) Zoos where the animals are kept in really shabby conditions. 180) When people wag their index finger at me. 181) Creepy religious figurines. 182) When someone walks or drives right behind you like they want to go faster but they won’t pass you. 183) When someone just states really obvious things or talks about boring unimportant topics just to fill in the silences when it would actually be so much better not to talk at all. 184) The term ‘beef curtain.’ 185) When people get all upset about other people eating certain animals because they think there is a difference between eating a chicken or a cow and some other animal that they don’t normally eat. You should only think it’s okay to eat one animal and not another if you like or don’t like the taste, not because one animal is cuter than the other. 186) When people do things in an effort to be less conspicuous but all it does is draw more attention to the thing they are trying to hide. Examples: Clear plastic bra straps and bleached mustaches. 187) Trying to think of a song but you can’t because another one is playing. 188) Learning how to use a phone in a foreign country. 189) How whenever I am typing I write ‘gald’ instead of glad. 190) When people spell 'okay' like 'OK.' It makes it seem all loud and punctuated and plus it's not like it's so long a word that it needs to be abbreviated. 191) Having to make more than one trip when you have things to carry, like the groceries, which means I will do whatever it takes to carry everything all at once. 192) When people say they have a short-term memory because everybody has a short-term memory. What they mean to say is their short-term memory is bad. 193) Having to get out of a hot shower when it’s cold outside. 194) How every time I put food in my pocket something goes terribly wrong.(To be continued...)