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DRAGGING OUT A DOOMED RELATIONSHIP ... WHY?
In the late eighties, Lenny Kravitz penned one of his most famous melodies, a song about the trials and tribulations of his troubled relationship with actress Lisa Bonet. The song "It Ain't Over 'Till It's Over" has become an all too common theme these days.
Forget about the people around you, all stuck in miserable relationships that they can't seem to pull out of, and look at recent celebrity splits where this disturbing trend abounds: Britney Spears and Kevin Federline, Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey, Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston. All were overwhelmingly guitly of giving lip service to the press regarding their relationships being perfectly healthy, even up until the eleventh hour, when they grudingly gave the go-ahead to their respective publicists to finally end the charade.
It's not that they think the public is dumb, people can see an impending split coming a mile away. The truth is that people in all walks of life invariably have a need to drag out a doomed relationship for several reasons, all of which are, at least to some degree, understandable.
At the very least, 60% of the questions I field on my radio show in one way or another share this common theme. It's prevalence is indicative of the fact that people enjoy being "comfortable", but moreso, completely dread the idea of being alone. The conventional wisdom: A bad relationship is better than no relationship.
In his book "How To Break Your Addiction to a Person", author and psychologist Howard Halperin asserted that the reasons vary from the simple desire to delay the impeding pain to other, more complicated impulses like financial dependance, the chaos caused with mutual friends and family, and most commonly, the fear that there's really nothing better out there.
The desire to keep up appearances is another powerful impetus, almost always being linked to an admission that a relationship that seemed perfect was, infact, a very flawed and uneasy alliance. People are bound by the universal ambition to conceal the fact that they just couldn't make it work. Clearly, there's always a degree of shame in admitting failure.
The upshot of all of this, and one that most will come to on their own terms, is that you can save yourself alot of heartache (in some cases a veritable lifetime of heartache) by not dragging out a romance gone south. If you've been working on your relationship, communicating, compromising, and ultimately suffering, as a result, it's probably time to re-evalute your situation.
Breaking up a relationship only gets more involved and complicated with time. Save yourself a ton of grief and let it go already. Life is short, indeed; Much too short to be lived within the confines of a constant struggle with the one who's supposed to be your teammate.
BIGGER DUMBFUCKS, MEN OR WOMEN?
Disclaimer: The following commentary is intended for adults and should not be read by those under 18 years of age.
Of the many advice requests I get on a regular basis, the vast majority have to do with relationships going sour and the people who are desperately trying to remedy a seemingly doomed situation. I say "doomed" because, due to the circumstances of the situation (i.e. shit that's totally out of their control), their attempts to play relationship rescue will undoubtedly be met with surefire failure. Here are some variables you can control in your current relationship. If things between you and your significant other are headed south, here are a few factors to examine:
First, for the men.
1. Don't ask her to change. It's too late for that, dickwad. Trying to change a woman you're in a relationship with is about as futile an effort as putting Rosie O'Donnell on a diet. Common example: If you knew she was a stripper when you started dating, don't expect her to undergo a sudden change in lifestyle (i.e. quit dancing and get a real job) just because you nag the shit out of her. If you met her in a club she just happens to be at every goddamn weekend, don't expect her to suddenly quit partying and become a stay-at-home girl. She'll change her routine when she's good and ready, not a second sooner, so do yourself a favor and shut the fuck up.
2. Don't bug her with shit you knew full well about going into the relationship. Here's another one I get all the time from guys who obviously enjoy self-inflicted torture: Before you so readily invest your heart into a relationship, do your fucking homework. If you knew for a fact that she used to date mutherfucking Fabio, don't sit there and complain about it a year into your shitty relationship. If you're insecure or that kind of shit bothers you, don't waste your time and energy bugging her about her past indescretions when you knew damn well what a no-self-esteem-having loser she was going in. Secondly, the majority of women have all kinds of dirty little secrets that they want to take to the grave with them. Ask around, and it's likely you'll find somebody (usually one of her bitter so-called "friends") who can't wait to spill the beans. If you find out some shit about your girl that keeps you up at night(and you can validate its truth), do yourself a big favor and move the fuck on. After all, there are plenty of women out there who haven't had a one night stand with an STD-infected male stripper.
3. NEVER ... and I mean never, forget that there's always someone ready and willing to take your place. Guys, you know what the fuck I'm talking about. No matter how imperfect you might think your girl is, there's always some chumpstain loser out there who can't wait to jump on your leftovers. If you have any plans of holding on to your woman, always keep this knowledge in the back of your head. There is never a shortage of dudes so completely devoid of self-respect that they'll hesitate to jump all over your sloppy seconds (half of whom you're actually dumb enough to consider "friends"). Shit, when my ex-fiance and I broke up, I could count the number of dudes I knew that didn't make a desperate play for her on one fucking hand. Then again, half of the aforementioned losers ended up falling in love with something I discarded, anyway.
Now for the ladies (and please listen up, girls):
1. Under no circumstance should you ever volunteer information. If you need clarification on this one, please see #2 under advice to the guys. Anything you did in your past that can be considered even the least bit questionable, erase from any possible conversations with your significant other. I assure you, he will NEVER let you forget about the time you fucked your ex's best friend in Cabo.
If you have any dirty secrets, pray he doesn't find out ... and in the worst case scenario, deny the shit out of it. Besides, if he's as dumb as most guys, he'll believe that he really was your first and only one-night-stand. Trust me, his desperate need to feel special will preclude any semblance of common sense.
2. For fuck's sake don't talk about how great your ex is/was or how bad you want to fuck David Beckham. I see so many women in their late twenties/early thirties who can't hold on to a man if their life depended on it and in 95% of cases, it always boils down to one thing: They just didn't know how to make him feel special. Ladies pay attention: Men are weak-minded creatures with egos that are about as frail as Nicole Ritche's collarbone. And NO - there are no exceptions. This is the way God created man; to think with his dick and have an unquenchable desire to feel like he's the only one who's ever planted his seed in your fertile soil. I don't care if you work for Heidi fucking Fleiss, you'd better make your man feel like he's the only thing that's ever made you howl at the moon. Otherwise, just hand him a get-pussy-free card and pray that there are no other women out there desperate enough to want your hand-me-downs.
No matter how much he tells you he's okay with your fascination with Brad Pitt's ass, his unquestionable feelings of inadequacy will ensure that he keeps his head on a swivel. In closing, if you're old enough to be someone's mom and you're wondering why you can't keep a man, your obvious inablity to accomodate his most basic requirement is very likely the culprit.
3. Keep your man happy. Unless he's asking you for a three-some with your sister or to have a Tijuana-style donkey fuck, keep your man happy. Here's another reason men can't stop cheating on their women: If your man likes to watch porn tapes of Jenna Jameson giving one of her world-class blow-jobs and you just so happen to refuse to go downtown, don't be surprised when you catch him in the bathroom with your slutty best friend. If your man's freaky-factor happens to go beyond what you're willing to do, think about finding someone else. I absolutely assure you, a man who's unhappy in the bedroom is a man who's on the prowl for your replacement.
Plenty more where that came from, but I'm done for now. Till next time kids. =)
People who wear fur should be skinned - By me.