You may wonder why in some photos I am grey and spotted, and in other photos I am either possessed by satan or super-masculated. The truth is, I am currently part of a super-secret trial being funded by the goverment in an attempt to create a super-human-tool-of-distraction.
The trial is so top secret that I have been forced to tell you about it here so that no one will ever possibly believe it.
Once I have been perfected, I will be used in high risk political situations, such as when the next senator is caught cheating on his taxes and robbing blind babies and nuns.
My job is to simply run in front of the camera while the "on the scene" reporter is covering the story, or to be "spotted" taking part in a gay marriage in a quiet little courthouse somewhere.
This is, of course, simply a new version of what the Republicans have already had in place for decades. In a few years I will probably become obsolete and have to be replaced with something more pornographic.