Chris Charles

I'm a lot of things. Human isn't one of them. I became trapped on this second-rate world while joyriding in my UFO in 1972. I was grooving to the Fifth Dimension's "Age Of Aquarius" and became disoriented; I got stuck in an anti-gravity neutron quaalude pocket, blew out my engines, and could no longer break the surly bonds of Earth's hideous gravitational field. I managed to safely land my spacecraft in suburban New Jersey, where it now sits on blocks in the garage while I figure out how to fix the magneto heads in the engine... I suppose it could've been worse; I could've crashed like the aliens at Roswell in 1949...I was taken in by a compassionate, caring (uniquely human traits, and inferior, in my opinion) Italian couple who felt sorry for my plight. They didn't always understand what I was talking about when I rambled on about turbulator valves, mind-melds, and the hot green dancing girls on Talos IV, but they always smiled and fed me more macaroni and meatballs. Their kindness will be rewarded once I manage to fix my spaceship (not easy when AutoZone doesn't carry the proper parts because the idiotic guy behind the counter can't find them in the parts manual). I plan on rescuing them before the Big Explosion happens and Earth is destroyed... Which might take a while, given the general incompetence of humanity, even when it comes to something as simple as destroying itself. I mean, I shared simple alien atomic technology with the North Koreans, in the hope that they could finally blow this joint sky high, but they're so dumb that their attempt fizzled out like a bad beer fart. (On my planet, we create nuclear explosions in high school science class, much like you human fools make the volcano with baking soda and vinegar...)To amuse myself, I do stand-up comedy. My superior alien funny bone, timing, and delivery skills allow me to perform at the top clubs in NYC... I had to do something interesting because nothing else was cutting it. Sexy Webcam and naked human females are wonderful, but an alien needs more. It's so easy to make humans laugh. All I have to do is tell some pee pee and poo poo jokes, and you all pee pee and poo poo in your pants. It's like stealing candy from a baby. (And you can change your own filthy diapers. I don't get my hands dirty with Huggies...) One has to work much harder for laughs on my world, as my people's sense of humor is far more advanced... I enjoy hanging out with the other comics, though; of all the dumb-dumbs on this planet, their attitudes and approach to life most resemble my own people's.