10 Reasons Why KLJ Rocks Ass
1. If Keith Lowell Jensen invented Kung-Fu it'd be called Keith-Fu. Though actually, if Kung-Fu didn't exist yet the Fu part would make no sense, so it'd probably be called Keith's Great Ass Kicking Technique.
2. Guns don't kill Keith Lowell Jensen, existential angst does, or Ulcerative Colitis does, or maybe the drugs that are prescribed to treat the Ulcerative Colitis do it, or maybe a gun after all but only if it gets to him soon, before that other stuff.
3. If Keith Lowell Jensen were a president he'd be Keith-adoor Roosevilt, or maybe John F. Keith-edy, but probably he'd keep his own name, because it's Keith Lowell Jensen, and that rocks.
4. Keith Lowell Jensen isn't the Lizard King, but he CAN do anything, or at least a great number of things, too many in fact to list in one post. He can a) Stand on his head. b) The robot c) Eat soup while watching television d) never mind, too many things to list. I told you.
5. If Keith Lowell Jensen were a rooster he'd say cock-a-doodle-death.
6. Terrorists have never attacked an American City after Keith Lowell Jensen visited it, except for New York and Oklahoma City, but in both cases it was a long time after Keith visited and they couldn't possibly had known he'd been there. The overwhelming majority of cities that Keith has visited have never been attacked by terrorists.
7. Keith Lowell Jensen is so straight that if he had sex with a man he still wouldn't be gay, the other guy would be a woman trapped in a dude's body. No, seriously.
8. The only reason you'd ever beat Keith Lowell Jensen at chess on the internet is if he was distracted by watching 15 second clips of amateur porno and even then you'd better be a fairly decent chess player, or the porn had better be above average porn. And it would be straight porn, because as I've made perfectly clear Keith Lowell Jensen aint gay!
8. Keith Lowell Jensen, who isn't gay, doesn't make mistakes in numbering. If you think he did, you'd better learn a new numbering system, or else just don't worry about it. Dang, it's really not a big deal. Get a life Mr. Mathematician.
9. Keith Lowell Jensen doesn't have to go to ten. He's not gonna let some dumb numbering gag cause him to write an extra joke. In fact he'll use it to cop out of the last joke. Ha ha. (Not Gay!!!)
I'd like to meet:
People who want to help us bring our comedy to the masses.
People who want our help in bringing their art to Northern California.
Anyone one who wants to collaborate on creative projects.
Who is in my top 24?
From the top, left to Right
Bryna (my girlfriend), Panhandler (I am he as he is me), ICBINC (My comedy troupe), Coexist Comedy (a stand up tour I co-founded) Nonhuman Comedians of Myspace (The best comedians are the weirdest), Lizard Boy (my great friend), Francois Fly (I'm president of his fanclub), Smooot Valley High (they rock), Erick, Hans, Whale and X Criminal (my older brother and his 3 boys. My nephews are the best), James (little brother, sweetheart), Li'l Edward (nephew), Erin, Emerly & Lid ee uh (my sisters-in-law. I love all three of them.), Antonio (my Nephew & skate buddy), Kara, Isa, (my little cousins all grown up), Candice (we adopted each other as siblings), TrulyAwfulStuff.com(one of my websites) Jonathan (filmmaker, hard working mofo, good friend). Sid (member of my comedy troupe, little buddy).
I love my friends.
Music:
The Beach Boys, The Boredoms, Big Star and other bands, some not starting with the letter B.
Movies:
Hair Spray, Female Troubles, all John Waters' films.
Bucket of Blood, Weather Girl, Yojimbo, The Wild Bunch, Mars Attacks, Modern Times, Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid, The Jerk, Dead Man, Down By Law, Night Of The Living Dead, The Bad Seed, Akira, The Blues Brothers, The Great Dictator, Duck Soup, Zelig, Radio Days, Annie Hall, Cool Hand Luke.
Television:
All In The Family, The Simpsons, Futurama, Soap, The Muppet Show, Taxi, 1st season SNL, Faulty Towers, League Of Gentlemen, Monty Python's Flying Circus, Sanford and Son.
Books:
The Last Laugh by Phil Berger, Ham On Rye by Charles Bukowski, Narcicuss and Goldmund by Hesse, The Unbearable Lightness of Being by Milan Kundera, Without Feathers by Woody Allen, The Old Man and The Sea by Ernest Hemingway.
Heroes:
Get this video and more at MySpace.com
Bill Gaines, John Waters, Harpo Marx, Andy Kaufman, Lenny Bruce, Michael Moore, Ghandi, MLK Jr, Iggy Stooge, Brian Wilson. Charlie Chaplin, Charles Shultz, Socrates.
