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WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Today, an historical meeting between President George W. Bush and former super villain Dr. Evil promises to end the growing "peak oil" energy crisis. In exchange for various government contracts of an undisclosed sum, Dr. Evil has reprogrammed his Project Vulcan drill by moving a toggle switch from the "evil" .. to the "good" ... The ultra-deep drilling device will penetrate the planet's crust, mantle and outer core before exploding inside the core of the planet thus displacing the unimaginably huge deposits of uranium that might exist there. Evil assured the jubilant crowd that nothing could possibly go wrong.
The Project Vulcan device was originally designed to cause all of Earth's volcanoes to erupt simultaneously. Evil demanded 1 million dollars or he would use the device, but later upped his ransom demand to 100 billion dollars. Ironically, experts believe that the government contracts that have been awarded to Virtucon, Evil's corporation, far exceed these earlier demands. Austin Powers, International Man of Mystery, foiled Evil's evil Project Vulcan project. Powers was unavailable for comment.
The peak oil problem has recently alarmed some doom-sayers who suggest that the end of the oil age also means the end of civilization. During the announcement, Bush said, "Thanks to the efforts of honest, hardworking Americans like Dr. Evil, civilization will go on! Even if we have to cover the entire surface of the earth with nuclear waste, and spawn a new species of hideous, giant frog men, civilization will go on!"
News of the announcement sent stocks soaring, and Virtucon's stock price tripled. Ford Motor Company released a message to the press shortly after saying, "We at the Ford Motor Company are dedicated to the transition from an oil economy to a uranium economy and promise to have high-quality, nuclear-powered automobiles available to the public in no more than 20 or 30 years." Soylent Industries, makers of Soylent Green, saw their stock nearly quadruple as did NutGuard, Inc., makers of radiation-proof jock straps.
Previous drilling projects have never been able to pass entirely through the crust of the planet, so Dr. Evil's device represents a significant improvement on previous drilling technology (see figure). Virtucon has been tight-lipped about the technology that allows its device to drill that deeply and withstand the incredible temperatures that exist in the center of the planet. The Project Vulcan device is reported to drill at around 50 feet per hour, which means that it should reach its target in a little over 48 years.
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Virtucon-Home of Dr. EvilWelcome to Virtucon
Welcome to Virtucon, a multi-billion dollar business. Founded in the '60s by me, the infamous Dr. Evil, we have prospered to become a viscous corporate raider of the '90s. Our initial work was in the fields of volatile chemicals and world terrorism. We have since altered our facade, primarily getting involved in the telecommunications industry. We currently have cable companies in 38 states.
We have also ventured into the steel industry and oil refining. More recently, we have opened a factory in Chicago that makes models of little factories. We currently draw profits of over 9 billion dollars a year. With the return of Dr. Evil as Owner, Chairman of the Board, and company President, we will begin to move into the "holding the world hostage" industry.
We have had an unfortunate accident and have lost our vice-president- Number 2. We are currently accepting applications for the ... Please send your resume and the names of 3 evil references to our Human Resources Dept. Satan, Sadam Hussein, and Bill Clinton are not acceptable references.
Dr. Evil
Austin Powers - Dr.evil Scott zip it! imported by boredontheweb