Mistress Ginger is your typical diva: queen of all time, muscle fairy, slick songstress, ubiquitous eunuch. She's your classic nose-to-the-grindstone sexpot who delights in her leggy look and her licentious liaisons. She got her bachelors from Miami University, and she keeps them tied up in the basement. Her last lover was a burly truck driver named Cousin It. She likes to sing songs the elicit attention from swarthy strangers and old-school butchers, but most often she can be found cradling pictures of herself and singing sweetly, "When you wake, you shall have all the pretty little horses." She violated a court order when she sang that refrain (1). In the fall, she'll get on a bus headed straight for the Butternut Hills. It is said that the heart is a lonely hunger. It is said right; baked butternut squash is delicious.
She drives a 1977 MG Midget 1500, which she purchased in 1995, painted pink, and rewired with an electric engine. She has also been seen behind the wheel of a 2001 maroon Town & Country minivan driving into the parking lot of a local supermarket. She pulled a baby from the backseat. Two other children exited the burning vehicle: a demure boy dressed in a green T-ball uniform (2) and a blonde girl with grape juice stains down the front of her shirt (3). The young girl was crying. The Mistress was stunning in her sheer chemise and pleated mini-skirt. Her lips were colored "dollhouse pink." She was a vision of glimmering iridescence, despite her black sunglasses, which were worn to elude the paparazzi. Of course, such efforts are in vain, as the press is always at her heels, licking her boots (4).
When the spotlight begins to overwhelm her, she longs for some quiet anonymity on Mt. Olympus (5). She loves the song that goes, "Don't tell me a woman did this to you. Candy lies. Candy lies..." If her name weren't Mistress Ginger, it would surely be Candy Lies.
After a long sun-drenched afternoon, Ginger's favorite thing to do is sit for a spell. A Spell is a saucy, spicy, musical, theatrical, dansical rock cabaret experience. It's like a John Cage "happening" but with more happening. In these Spells, MG is set free. Free to be she. Free to be he. Free to give it. Free to live it. Free to let laughter stream. Streaming laughter. And slick song stylings. And Saliva. Saliva Jones (6).
If ever you doubted your relationship with nature, just take a look at Mistress Ginger. She's like the Earth Mother, painted over and squeezed into some flammable frock. Still, she's hanging in there, waiting for love's first kiss.
To learn more about the Mistress, please visit her website. www.FLAWLESSandLAWLESS.com
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1. http://www.peta.org/mc/factsheet_display.asp?ID=73
2. Halfway Little League, the Green Team
3. Welch's 100% Grape Juicebox
4. Bootlickers
5. Mt. Olympus Water and Theme Park, Wisconsin Dells
6. Faithful Handyman and Liberator
