Mike is the Bastard

A People's History of Thrash Mike: From Radical Dude to Revolutionary By: Seth Berger
Ask any history student what the most important event in the 20th century equal-rights movement was, and they'll likely give a stock response like Martin Luther King's "I Have A Dream" speech, the breakdown of traditional gender roles at work and home, or the O.J. Simpson verdict. But that's exactly why they're dumb students from rich families, and not the ones writing the history books. Eminent professors, documentary producers, and many grindcore musicians would likely give you a different response: the birth of Thrash Mike. Few individuals have managed to accomplish in a lifetime what this man has done in 20 years; he himself has been quoted as saying in interviews that "I've lived more in two decades than many kooky new-agers have in several lifetimes, and I don't even have to wear shitty ponchos in order to do so!"
But how did a relatively unknown kid in Dickies and Cons manage to sway the lives of millions and rock the boat, or rather fancy cruise liner, of America? It all started with his birth. Much is shrouded in legend regarding the origins of Thrash Mike, but it's generally agreed upon that he was born somewhere in the Alaskan wilderness around 1984 to a loving family, but these idyllic toddler days of shoving cheerios up his nose were not to last. At the age of 5, Thrash Mike witnessed his tranquil village destroyed by polar bears, demons, and polar bear shaped demons, leaving him as the only survivor. After some wrangling with local deities, Thrash Mike managed to procure an enchanted sword and avenge himself upon aforementioned demons. In later interviews, when asked about his state of mind at the time, Mike said enigmatically, "I just thought about what my patron gods, Odin and Eazy-E would have done. And I went into battle spitting rhymes and bullets."
Thrash Mike later made his way southward, liberating oppressed farm workers throughout Southern California and Mexico, and taught many of them how to read. Some of them he taught how to love, but that's a tale for "A People's Sexy History of Thrash Mike", which is coming soon to adult bookstores nationwide. Other humanitarian acts were soon to follow. Like some kind of crazy liberal whirlwind, Thrash Mike swept across the Bible Belt and trimmed its waistline by converting many prominent Southern Baptists to the mysterious pagan faith of Asatru. "Like Sepultura says, you gotta have roots," said Thrash Mike, "Not, however, that I condone listening to Sepultura".
In addition to helping women get the vote in several third world countries, and teaching them how to survive without low-carb diets in first world countries, Thrash Mike happened upon several like-minded altruists. These men, of whom little is known, had powerful musical talents and the ability to win the hearts of swooning 17-year-old girls, but Thrash Mike harnessed their powers for good, and convinced them that the best way to spread their gospel of tolerance, compassion, and drinking contests to the world was to form a band, entitled Kill Gabe Stoll. Firsthand accounts of the band's impromptu live performances mention Thrash Mike "rockin the mic like it wasn't no thang", spazzing out, and "being brutal but not in the 'let the bodies hit the floor' kind of way". At first, critics regarded the band as a failure, since they only managed to give Gabe Stoll pancreitis, but after it was discovered that taped copies of their practices were capable of curing everything from male impotence to syphilis, the band was elevated to international superstar status, and Thrash Mike was proclaimed poet laureate of Norway.
But Mike's efforts did not stop with the band, who eventually split up due to creative differences (at one practice, the guitarist wanted to eat pizza, the drummer refused to eat anything but ramen noodles). His first book, "A Boston Children's Alpha-bet Primer and Home Brewing Recipes" hit the shelves not two weeks after the band's demise, and was generally accredited with making kids smarter and drunker, a feat previously thought unattainable. His humanitarian work continued as well, as he helped to pass laws forbidding discrimination based on sexual orientation in the workplace, and successfully lobbying Congress to ban Nickelback commercials from airing on television.
Now its 2006, and despite what some have predicted, Thrash Mike's career shows no sign of taking a dive like Cliff Burton's tour bus. Thrash Mike has been rumored to be seen on the west coast, gently reminding crust punks that its not 1998 anymore, and that they can now proceed to wash their clothes. So despite what the dumbass history students I quoted at the beginning of this bio might say, the life and times of Thrash Mike are a veritable social steamroller, but faster and more exciting.