Lance Henderstein

Cinco De Mayo

[Reprinted from a collection of food-related essays I wrote in 2006-2007; other titles included, "McRib Is Back, And So Are The Democrats" and "Bananas Are Inherently Casual" and are available upon re...
Posted by Lance Henderstein on Tue, 06 May 2008 04:03:00 PST

Chemo-Therapy Kemosabes

Boy, I sure was lonely today. All my friends left town to enjoy skiing, snowboarding, and secret homosexual trysts; I just stayed home and drank wine alone. I did attempt to leave the house solo, wit...
Posted by Lance Henderstein on Sat, 19 Apr 2008 07:26:00 PST

Money-Maker

I've decided that I want to make money. It's gotten so bad that I can't even remember the last time the Money Fairy left a crisp knot of c-notes under my memory-foam pillow. It's never going to happen...
Posted by Lance Henderstein on Sat, 26 Jan 2008 08:28:00 PST

Previously Viewed Prequel

I think the things I enjoy most in life are familiar songs, images, subjects of conversation or even well-worn reruns on local television. That soothing sweet something in a well-known melody as it w...
Posted by Lance Henderstein on Sun, 20 Jan 2008 04:49:00 PST

Top Ten Tracks of 2007

1. Train (120 years running!)2. Heroin (Keeping sleeves from becoming obsolete.) 3. Moose (Mmmmm...)4. Racecar (For driving miniature electric cars on, but not for spanking.) 5. Two (Making us questi...
Posted by Lance Henderstein on Tue, 15 Jan 2008 02:24:00 PST

Oddball Odds and the Lotto Lady

Yesterday, I was walking home from work, and I saw a homeless woman scratching a lottery ticket in front of McDonald’s. I didn’t know how to feel about it. I ran the entire gambit of hum...
Posted by Lance Henderstein on Tue, 11 Dec 2007 04:02:00 PST

Do You Ever Get The Feeling Youre Being Watched?

Do you ever get the feeling you're being watched? I do. In fact, since moving into my new apartment I get the feeling almost constantly. Right now for example. At my computer. I just can't shake the ...
Posted by Lance Henderstein on Wed, 14 Nov 2007 08:24:00 PST

Pinkish Floyd (or Kanga-ruse)

My good friend Dustin invited me to a free show of a band called, "The Australian Pink Floyd Show" This is a band that plays an entire Pink Floyd show note for note, complete with big screen visuals a...
Posted by Lance Henderstein on Mon, 12 Nov 2007 12:05:00 PST

Prozac Mom-Ass

[After observing a trend at yesterday's Detour Festival] I'm going to say this now, so that in three months when you all are wearing these confounded things I won't have to repeat myself. You remember...
Posted by Lance Henderstein on Sun, 07 Oct 2007 11:54:00 PST

Have we no shame?

While walking to do my laundry, a young and severely overweight high school student of about sixteen years of age approached me at the crosswalk with a skinny friend in tow. Without missing a beat, h...
Posted by Lance Henderstein on Thu, 27 Sep 2007 06:49:00 PST