MILES I. HAMER profile picture

MILES I. HAMER

chunks of fetid bum-slime

About Me

A self-absorbed, eternally-immature egotist without even the common decency to be good-looking. A cock-eyed myspace hypocrite who writes an awful lot of barely-legible rubbish, refers to himself in the third person, and makes highly dubious claims about his enormous penis. Wanker.

Myspace Layouts at Pimp-My-Profile.com / Bluebee stripes - Image Hosting

NWA Day

Add to My Profile | More Videos

My Interests

Writing, be it music, words or appraisals/criticisms of subjects most likely already well-exhausted. Normally with swearing. Laughing until it hurts. Ditto wanking. Lying about mastubatory habits. Running about the place. Pointing at scenery and making exclamatory remarks. Ludicrously hot food. Lady-part playtime. You get the idea.

I'd like to meet:

my Dad. Just once more. And Nick Griffin, to kick him in the bollocks.

Music:

Miles Davis (after whom I'm named), The Tabloid Press, Sex Pistols, Blur, Libertines, Nirvana, Bowie, Belle & Sebastian, Beck, Led Zeppelin, Bob Dylan, Dead Kennedys, Adam Ant, Pixies, Velvet Underground, Frank Black, Madness, The Specials, NWA, Eminem, Gomez, Clash, Aretha Franklin, Graham Coxon, Harry Nilsson, Beastie Boys, Dexy’s, Muse, PJ Harvey, Love, Marvin Gaye, The Damned, The Doors, Suede, The Beatles, Rolling Stones, The Smiths, Radiohead, Desmond Dekker, The Fall, Toots & The Maytals, Bloc Party, Buzzcocks, blah blah blah aren't you bored yet?

Movies:

Genevieve, Goodfellas, This is Spinal Tap, Psycho, The Ipcress File, An American Werewolf in London, Dead of Night, A Clockwork Orange, The Evil Dead, The Omen, Labyrinth, Withnail & I, Pulp Fiction, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (original), Scarface (ditto), Romero’s "Dead” quadrilogy, Star Wars trilogy, The Big Lewbowski, Clerks, Scream, Shaun of the Dead, The Living Daylights & most Burton/Depp collaborations.

Television:

Doctor Who, The Simpsons, Father Ted, Brass Eye, The League of Gentlemen, The Day Today, I’m Alan Partridge, The Office, Peep Show, Spaced, Phoenix Nights, The X-Files, Red Dwarf, Bottom, The Mighty Boosh, Not Only But Also, Lost, Heroes, Futurama, Life on Mars, Louis Theroux, Charlie Brooker's Screenwipe, Who Wants to be a Millionaire?, The Slammer and ChuckleVision.

Books:

Populist laugh-a-page chucklethons by David Lodge, Stephen Fry & Sue Townsend keep this idiot happy. Very poor biographies of minor celebrities like Mike Reid and - honestly - 2Pac's bodyguard entertain my attention span as do the "works" of Ian Fleming and JK Rowling, against all my better judgement. And George Orwell's 1984, which I reference constantly.

Heroes:

Japanese hero, Hiro. He can stop time by screwing up his face and messing his trousers (I assume). And The Doctor, cause he fights baddies with his brain and a screwdriver. And 'cos she'll probably never read this but my Mum's frankly wonderful.

My Blog

Album, Bums and Chris De Burgh

A half-marathon? Who thought that a good idea then? 13 miles of leg-trembling sweat-inducing pavement-pound; a rare chance to sight some of Britain's oddest lycra-clad bottoms jumbling about ferocious...
Posted by MILES I. HAMER on Fri, 14 Sep 2007 08:10:00 PST

Live Gig Review: The Tommys

A review submitted to Venue Magazine, a wee little local gig brochure/fanzine. It's put together with more love than liquid pouring down a pornstar's face at the end of a busy day. Only less stic...
Posted by MILES I. HAMER on Fri, 07 Sep 2007 08:29:00 PST

Specs, Solipsists & Showmanship + Live Gig Review.

How expensive are glasses? Don't bother replying; I know the answer as I've had to invest in a couple of new pairs this weekend following an agonising year of denying my own sub-standard eyesight and ...
Posted by MILES I. HAMER on Mon, 03 Sep 2007 05:53:00 PST

Andy, Arthur & Academy

"What have you been up to lately Miles?", asked no one. "Well," Miles began, in a fit of self-deceptive vanity...   Having exhausted almost all legal activities on the internet during work time, ...
Posted by MILES I. HAMER on Fri, 17 Aug 2007 08:42:00 PST

Live Gig Review: Toots & The Maytals

Another Connect review for publication posted here so you don't have to read the rest of the mag'. I'm kind of like Father Christmas really, only without the beard, reindeers or seasonal importance. &...
Posted by MILES I. HAMER on Tue, 17 Jul 2007 05:46:00 PST

Doctor, Donna & DaviDson

Still blowing imaginary dust from the debris of my last blog I had initially thought to post something a little less controversial this week. The sort of inconsequential eyeball blabber that fills a h...
Posted by MILES I. HAMER on Tue, 10 Jul 2007 01:18:00 PST

Band Battles & Bananas

Like the closing credits of Grange Hill when Danny Kendall's corpse popped out of Mr Bronson's car door, my blog has no theme this week. My life's too full of incident, too disparate, amorphous, and t...
Posted by MILES I. HAMER on Tue, 26 Jun 2007 06:48:00 PST

Live Music Review: Asere

My last review (Julian Cope) is finally printed in the latest issue of the muesli 'n' clogs-lovin' publication Connect Magazine. Luckily it wasn't subbed at all, although someone thought to take away ...
Posted by MILES I. HAMER on Thu, 07 Jun 2007 08:18:00 PST

Punch, Pimms & Programmes

"Money. It's a drag." Or so sang multi-million pound recording artist Dave Gilmour of stadium-filling, pretentious burp-heads Pink Floyd. What would he know? Well, to be fair to the tedious frontman, ...
Posted by MILES I. HAMER on Mon, 04 Jun 2007 06:03:00 PST

Live Gig Review: Julian Cope

OK, here then is my review intended for publication in the next issue of Connect Magazine, of which I was recently made music reviewer for some reason. As requested, it's exactly 200 words long so suf...
Posted by MILES I. HAMER on Tue, 15 May 2007 08:36:00 PST