To celebrate the forthcoming nuptials of Jada & Fran
A few pre wedding rules...
1) On the day of a gay wedding, it's bad luck for the two grooms to see each other at the gym.
(or be caught blowing the Best Man)
2) Superstition suggests that, for good luck, the couple should have: Something bold, something flirty, something trashy, something dirty.
(I've got dirty covered)
3) It's customary, at gay nuptials, for the parents to have an open bar during the entire ceremony.
4) Gay wedding tradition dictates that both grooms refrain from eating any of the wedding cake because it's all carbs and sugar.
5) It's considered bad luck for either of the grooms to have dated the priest.
6) During the first dance, it's considered unlucky to use glow sticks, flags, whistles or hand held lasers.
7) For good luck at the union of a drag queen, the bouquet is always thrown in the face of a hated rival.
8) the reception hall must have a disco ball and at least one go-go dancer.
9) the wedding singer is not allowed to play/sing Let's Hear It For the Boy, It's Raining Men or I Will Survive.
10) the father of the Bottom has to pay for everything!
Oh for crying out loud!
I said, send me a glitter ball for my party.
What am I going to do with this?
Glad to see the Oceans 37 Premiere went well
Look, I'm not saying this year's Big Brother housemates are rough or anything
but here are the girls chilling the garden waiting for the task to begin
Meanwhile, Lesley takes a well earned nap
"Let me get this right, one body but with two arseholes?
Someone page George, tell him his birthday present's here"
For Francesco & Mitch
Mucho Love x
The Love Doctor's Psychic Hotline Now Open!
Click on my head & ask my balls a question
Went to a barbeque yesterday - great fun,
although the hot dogs were a little chewy
The ladies from Cell Block H make Paris feel welcome
LEAKED! Prince Harry's checklist for Iraq
1. Uniform - CHECK
2. Gun - CHECK
3. Laminated photo of Chelsy - CHECK
4. 300 dozen man nappies - CHECK
Found!
Inspiration behind Posh's new look!
What kind of Hot Boy Kiss are you??
You're a Domineering Kiss. You like it rough baby! Let's go find some rope and handcuffs!
Take this quiz !
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I'd like to meet:
Sick people
And anyone who doesn't take myspace too seriously.
If you're going to message me with filth, I will come straight back at you with worse but if you just want to say Hi, then that's great too
The Doctor Replies to Your Problems
Dear Doctor Handsome,
Oh doctor, I'm in trouble. For every time a certain man is standing next to me. A flush comes to my face
And my pulse begins to race, it goes boom boody-boom boody-boom boody-boom Boody-boom boody-boom boody-boom-boom-boom.
What kind of man is he? To create this allergy?
Dear Brenda,
It's me isn't it? Oh how I curse my good looks and sparkling personality but Brenda, you really must stop stalking me.
It was just an innocent shag (that IS how we do breast examinations back in India)
PS Keep sending me money and gifts
Dear Doctor Handsome,
Recently I have developed a fetish for putting eggs down my underwear and smashing them. This seems to be the only way that I can achieve arousal these days. Is this normal?
Dear Jada,
DOES IT SOUND FUCKING NORMAL?
Happily my dear friend, the solution is a simple one.
Firstly, grab a dog from the streets.
Then drape some lightly grilled bacon over your lurve stick, with the heat generated by your testicles the eggs will scramble up nicely et viola, breakfast.
Call the dog over and believe me very soon you will start to feel the magic flood through you once more
A word of caution - just the one dog.
Please let me know how you got on. In detail. Great detail. Illustrated. With really clear close up photos. Make sure you have a good camera. Please hurry. Do it now. Run!
Dear Doctor Handsome,
Hi doctor...i need your help..i never had a boyfriend..i shag everyday different peolple and i never want to see them twice...i wanna something romantic, different, i wanna find love!!where s the secret? Love Francesco
Dear Francesco,
This is quite common (and normal), you are just going through your slut years.
You will know when you're ready to fall in love, because magically, you will want to spend the first night talking, not shagging (unless he's really ugly then it's a mercy shag later on when you're pissed).
In the meantime, please forward £49.99 to me and I will say a special prayer for you. God Bless.
Dear Doctor Handsome,
Just one more thing Doctor.....does teabagging come under the same umbrella as ballsucking, or is it an entirely self-contained subset? This has caused much discussion within my circle of friends as to whether teabagging must involve a definite 'dunking' motion or not.
Dear Jada,
The delicate art of teabagging (originating in ancient China over 5,000 years ago) often gets confused with ball sucking (commonly known in China as 'sook mi scrot') it's an easy mistake but there's one simple difference.
The teabaggee will always use a downward motion to lower his balls into the (conscious or unconscious, it doesn't matter) participant's mouth whereas as the ball suckee will usually approach the nutsack from underneath.
Always practise safe ball hygiene
Dear Doctor Handsome,
Not that I would EVER question your knowledge of all things amorous...but if youre so good in matters of the heart, how come youre single?
Dear Delideb,
So so transparent, I see where you're going with this, you're in love with me aren't you?
I'm afraid that you, Brenda (and Francesco with his special man lurve) are all suffering from Doctor Love sickness.
I know the signs all too well but Delideb, I was not born just to love one person I have to spread the lurve around.
Worship me from afar
A little quiz
Who is this pre nose job?
No, not Jade Goody
Dear Doctor Handsome,
I've got a monkey rash on me ding dong (inner and outer) Whatchoo gonna do about it willis? xxx
Dear Titty,
Simple - First, stop shagging de monkeys
However, if you find you cannot resist, then have a clean out (inner and outer) with 250ml Domestos and half a sheet of (coarse) sandpaper after each monkey lurve sess
Dear Doctor Handsome,
I have a very small penis. Is there any way I can enlarge it, perhaps with a pump? I've heard of operations but the thought scares me. I thought you would be the best person to ask as you are so very very discrete
Dear Cock Challenged,
Without pictorial evidence I'm afraid I cannot make any serious diagnosis (I'm not some sort of quack you know). Therefore, I would have to examine the member in question from all angles or at least have a quick chat with Dave Benson Phillips.
In the meantime, if you are lucky enough to find lurve despite your shortcomings then, stay safe.
Only £9.99 from my online store!
Dear Doctor Handsome,
My sister presented me with a set of love eggs, from the far east no less! How long is it safe for them to remain....how do I put this....in 'place'?
Dear Lenora,
I find it almost unbelievable that your God fearing, sister Elvira would send you the eggs you describe (unless she's been hanging out with that slaaaag, Gloria Hunniford again) so I think you mean real eggs.
If you are determined to derive lady pleasure from eggs, then I suggest you get that nice Mr Patel from the newsagents to crack two into your trickle and give them a light whisk. If you want to progress to an electric whisk then please ask this lady for tips
PS Your dear Grandson Jada also has this "egg" fetish. I might have to have the two of you on my couch to delve into this further
Dear Doctor Handsome,
R u allways without shirt, when u have office hours...? Like on ur profile pic...
Hello Nadi and welcome to my Free Clinic,
No, only when I'm having the sex or visiting my parents
For your visual pleasure here is a photo of me fully clothed. You like, yes? (Yes, you do)
Dear Doctor Handsome,
Can you also give personal advice at my home?? my problem is that no man can give me enough pleasure and maybe you can give that to me
Dear Kim,
OR SHOULD I CALL YOU BOY GEORGE?!!!!!!
HELP! HEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dear Doctor Handsome,
I need some advice on how to keep the ladies at bay without having to beat them off with a stick. It must be my strawberry blonde hair, permanent sideways stance and super cool shades and I don't blame them.
But even a studmuffin like myself needs a break.
Dear Horatio,
Actually, beating them off with a stick probably IS the best solution.
However, I do understand where they're coming from.
Only the most attractive men are blessed with that striking ginger strawberry blond hair.
Even I feel a tingle in my balls of fun when I think of the sexy way you slide those sunglasses up and down and brush your hands through your slightly thinning luciousginger hair.
Though I think all that putting them on and off might be affecting your eyes a tad.
(I can refer you to a good Opthalmologist I know)
I can only suggest that perhaps you offer to park their car...
PS Any danger of you getting me Jimmy Smits' phone number?
Dear Doctor Handsome,
Any chance of you or your beautiful friend Ms Stallone reading my fortune? I have enclosed a picture of my bumbum. If the reading requires touching, please advise.
Dear Ickle J,
If you could just slip your coat off, then we can begin
Holy Fuck! That IS you!
My advice?
What the...hold up! Is that something MOVING IN THERE?
Something just jumped out of your pubes onto me!
Gemma, oh Geeemmmmma
My ball is tingling, the mists are clearing...
It's coming, it's coming...
Dear Doctor Handsome,
Answer to nose job question - Angelina Jolie
Do I win £5?
No, my little friend, you win one of these
BoyWonder - shut it!
Dear Doctor Handsome,
is answer to nose job question Jodie marsh?
Oh really Brenda,
Does she LOOK as if she's had surgery?
Aww Nadi,
It takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them, and an entire life time to forget them.
Not really been to a gay club have you Nadi?
It takes a minute for someone to target you
An hour for them to get you in the loos and blow your um...mind
A day to shag their brains out
And a lifetime to avoid them
But I love the sentiment, thank you beautiful x
3 minutes to answer Delideb? I don't feel the same anymore...
Dear Doctor Handsome
i have some questions for you doctor. a talented doctor as you can give me the answers, i guess.
- If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it?
- If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
- Where the hell can i find my mister right?
Dear Kim,
Isn't unnatural sex is the best kind? That reminds me, Percvial's been quiet lately.
Aherm, talking of books...
Oh Kimmy! Underwear/lingerie is fabulous
I always sleep in boxers, not just to keep my bits in place but it's just so sexy to take someone's underwear off and slowly reveal the best parts
As for your Mister Right I don't think you're going to find him online and most especially not on here, sorry!
Behind the scenes of this respectable looking myspace surgery, it's a hotbed of sexual innuendo and utter eye (& mouth) watering filth. 80% of my valuable surgery time is taken up answering messages that are nothing short of dirty disgusting degrading porn - I should have never given my mother this web address
RESOLUTION!
I have decided to nuture my top Friends and look after them and let the lurve grow, so if I don't show you the Doc Love feel free to bollock me
