Interests: Sleeping, Eating, Trying to escape the back yard, Run amuck in the neighborhood
Why Dogs Don’t Use Computers
20. Can’t stick their heads out of Windows ’95.
19. Fetch command not available on all platforms.
18. Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.
17. Too difficult to "mark" every website they visit.
16. Can’t help attacking the screen when they hear "You’ve Got Mail."
15. Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.
14. Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they’re browsing www.pethouse.com instead of working.
13. Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG frisbee.
12. Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver.
11. Still trying to come up with an "emoticon" that signifies tail-wagging.
10. Oh, but they WILL... with the introduction of the Microsoft Opposable Thumb.
9.Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome
8. ’Cause dogs ain’t GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand...
7. Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software.
6. SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.
5. SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the question!
4. Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to manuever.
3. Annoyed by lack of newsgroup, alt.pictures.master’s.leg.
2. Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online chat rooms.
1. TrO{gO DsA[M,bN HyAqR4tDc TgrOo TgYPmE WeIjTyH P;AzWqS,. *
( * 1. Too Damn Hard To Type With Paws. )
How to Bathe a Cat
1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.
3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape).
CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any surface they find.
The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from your toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three to four times. This provides a "power wash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The now clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.
Dog Rules
1. The dog is not allowed in the house.
2. Okay, the dog is allowed in the house, but only in certain rooms.
3. The dog is allowed in all rooms, but has to stay off the furniture.
4. The dog can get on the old furniture only.
5. Fine, the dog is allowed on all the furniture, but is not allowed to sleep with the humans on the bed.
6. Okay, the dog is allowed on the bed, but only by invitation.
7. The dog can sleep on the bed whenever he wants, but not under the covers.
8. The dog can sleep under the covers by invitation only.
9. The dog can sleep under the covers every night.
10. Humans must ask permission to sleep under the covers with the dog.
Be creative
Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.
The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.
The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.
Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."
The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese."
"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever."
She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says "How well can you do?"
"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.
"My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."
She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?"
The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua.
He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says .
Liver alone. Cheese mine."
Alone Again
I wish someone would tell me what it is that I’ve done wrong.
Why I’ve had to stay chained up and left alone so long.
They seemed so glad to have me when I came here as a pup.
There were so many things we’d do while I was growing up.
They couldn’t wait to train me as companion and as a friend.
And told me how they’d never fear being left alone again.
The children said they’d feed me and brush me every day.
They’d play with me and walk me if only I could stay.
But now the family "hasn’t time", they often say I shed.
They do not want me in the house, not even to be fed.
The children never walk me.
They always say, "Not now!"
I wish that I could please them.
Won’t someone tell me how?
All I had, you see, was love.
I wish they would explain.
Why they said they wanted me,
then left me on a chain.
Any one know why these maps would stop counting visitors? I keep creating new maps and even with different companies and sometimes it will count a few visitors and then it will stop. But my internal profile counter keeps showing visitors. This looks like a cool tool but I seem to have problems on my profile but other people do not. Strange.
I will try it again.
Create your free myspace maps
Thoughts to Ponder
"The secret is to become wise before you get old." -Unknown Author
"Succes seems to be largely a matter of hanging .. others have let go." -William Feather
Success comes before work only in the dictionary.-Anonymous
Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life.-Confucius
Well done is better than well said.-Ben Franklin
Imagination is more important than knowledge.-Albert Einstein
We don't know one millionth of one percent about anything.-Thomas Edison
When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant i could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years.-Mark Twain
If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything.-Unknown Author
Ignore Your Rights and They'll Go Away.
Anger is only one letter short of danger.
OPPOSE LOGGING? TRY PLASTIC TOILET PAPER.
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word? Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing? Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing? Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"? Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites? Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds? Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase? Why is bra singular and panties plural? Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there? Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting? Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
Why does mineral water that “has trickled through mountains for centuries†have a use by date?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
Why ARE Trix only for kids?
"Nothing is really work unless you would rather be doing something else." - James M. Barrie
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.
Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
Why do you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?
Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?
Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near-miss? It sounds like a near hit to me!!
Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
"Nothing is really work unless you would rather be doing something else." - James M. Barrie
All generalizations are false. It's bad luck to be superstitious. I DON'T BELIEVE ATHEISTS REALLY EXIST. Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, and TODAY IS A GIFT, that's why it's called the present. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool? How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America? Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else get your way. Save the whales. Collect the whole set. STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS. If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools. They told me I was gullible... and I believed them. If you think you have it tough, read history books. I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather....Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car! You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you. Some people express their most depraved fantasies on canvas and movie screens, and expect us to consider it art.
Clothes make the man, naked people have little or no influence on society. - Mark Twain
I would trade it all for a little more. -C. Montgomery Burns
"All that is necessary for the forces of evil to win in the world is for enough good men to do nothing." - Edmund Burke
"If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the 'up' button." - Sam Levenson
"Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics. " - Fletcher Knebel
Kirk Olsen: Dog Songs
Baha Men - Who let the dogs out
Kirk Olsen: Dog Songs
Riki Kiki (The Tahitian Fishing Dog)
Maybe Manana
If My Dog Could Talk
The Dog Across the Street
Please Take Me Home
(I Want to be a ) Circus Dog
I Used to Have a Girlfriend
(I'm Proud to be an) American Dog
Too Much Love for One Bed
It's a Dog's Life
The Dog Beach Boogie
An Old Dog's Song
Freebo: Dog People
Shaggy
My Dog Has Fleas
More Like You
Old Shep
The Shaggy Dog, Turner and Hooch, Cats and Dogs, Top Dog, Snow Dogs, K-9, All Dogs Go to Heaven, The 12 Dogs of Christmas,
Family Guy, Huckleberry Hound, Krypto, Skooby-Doo, 2 Stupid Dogs,
Cold Noses and Warm Hearts, Dump Him - Marry the Dog, Bad to the Bone, Man Speaks Dog
Lassie, Benji, Duke Bush, Spuds MacKenzie,
Screen Cleaners
I am:
90% Dog, 10% Cat
You'r a dog at heart - and it's not a bad thing at all!
You love unconditionally, and you're extremely loyal.
And while you may act silly at times, you're really quite smart - and a good learner!
Are You More Cat or Dog?
You Are a Chimera
You are very outgoing and well connected to many people.
Incredibly devoted to your family and friends, you find purpose in nurturing others.
You are rarely alone, and you do best in the company of others.
You are incredibly expressive, and people are sometimes overwhelmed by your strong emotions.
What Mythological Creature Are You?
Your Animal Personality
Your Power Animal: Eagle
Animal You Were in a Past Life: Whale
You are active, a challenger, and optimistic.
Hard-working, you are always working towards a set goal.
The Animal Personality Test
Your Monster Profile
Wicked Cannibal
You Feast On: Fried Chicken
You Lurk Around In: Swamps
You Especially Like to Torment: Pop Stars
What's Your Monster Name?