Hello darlings, welcome to the wonderful glitzy world of Old Bitches Fight Crime - the soon to be smash hit cult tv show of the millennium! Yes, it has it all, darlings, the glitz and glamour with added glitz and glamour of all your favourite old bitches! As well as me, Dame Joanie Collins, there's also my great chums, Mad Lizzie Taylor, Eartha Kitt, Kate "the Face" O'Mara, Stephie Deafie Beacham and so many many more, along with dear old Biggins of course.
So, come and join the glitz and the glamour of "Old Bitches Fight Crime!"...
Meet the bitches:
Dame Joanie Collins - Hi, I'm Dame Joanie Collins and I set up the multi-million pound agency known as Old Bitches Fight Crime! With my own shady criminal past as an Aaron Spelling stalwart bitch, I now vow to right wrongs and try and make up for my years of tv bitchery.
Mad Lizzie Taylor - She may not be as steady on her feet as she once was but she's still got a smashing sense of style (especially where kaftans are concerned) and a mind as sharp as jelly... I mean as a pin!
Frou-Frou - Lizzie's darling pooch may not be old, but she is a bitch and psychic! A vital weapon in our fight against crime... unless she's in heat and then her psychic powers go completely bonkers, with often pant wettingly hilarious results!
Kate "The Face" O'Mara - Kate is our shrewd mistress of disguise who can miraculously transform herself into anyone (as long as they totally glamorous and not too short that is... oh and wear full length fur of course!) to help us uncover evil dark deeds and plots (oh and she can only do one accent, sort of foreign eastern european thing, don't ask me where exactly!).
Stephie Deafie Beacham - she maybe be hard of hearing but she's developed her other senses to compensate, namely accessorising and glaring bitchily at everyone. I certainly wouldn't mess with her, and I don't think you would either!
Eartha Kitt - like the beautiful sleek cat woman she played on Batman (I was in that too you know, I played a bitch called The Siren... no one ever remembers... *sigh*), Eartha has always been able to land on her feet (not literally, I did throw her out a window once, she wasn't happy) and has mastered many martial arts from the far east. She may look small but she had hands that can kill a man and a killer vocal set to go with it!
Dame Shirley Bassey - the Queen of Tiger Bay living in self induced exile in Monte Carlo until her country's beloved ancient Stone Leek Marbles are reinstalled in their rightful place Wales! Our oversea agent, she moves within the fabulously rich circles and is always the first with gossip so is vital for our operation!
Jackie Stallone - what can I say about the mysterious beauty that is Jackie Stallone (yeah, Jackie) that hasn't already been said before? As our receptionist and medical expert (and chief supplier of the bitch-face giving botox), Jackie is the very hub of communication and information... actually she doesn't always know what day it is... or what her own name is come to that...
