25 More Random Facts About Shawn Malloy
1. I can turn white toilet paper into brown toilet paper.
2. I helped Jon Benet’s parents write the jingle for Chili’s theme song, "I want my baby back, baby back, baby back..."
3. Sometimes dolphins save people from drowning. However I happen to often save dolphins from drowning, henceforth making me way cooler than dolphins on the human-dolphin-human coolness chain.
4. I once bought a dollar store. Immediately afterward I sued the previous owners for "false advertisement."
5. I often like to use the word "henceforth."
6. I came up with the theory that Tickle Me Elmo just happens to be a puppet with many g-spots.
7. I’m a cannibal. But I’m also vegan. Which means I like to eat tofu that’s shaped like people.
8. When I get angry I swear in my native language. My native language is morse code. So when I get pissed you’ll often hear, "BIP! BIPBIP! BIPBIPBIP!...BIP...BIPBIP!....BIIIIIIIIP!!!!!"
9. I was originally a main character in Wizard Of Oz named The Asian along with Dorothy, Scarecrow, and Tinman. But the producers thought the song, "If I Only Had A Huge Johnson" was too offensive, and that it highlighted negative and FALSE stereotypes about Eastern peoples. I was replaced by a fucking lion.
10. I like to hide all of my prized possessions in volcanos. Too bad the only thing I own is LAVA.
11. I have training wheels on my unicycle.
12. I look retarded on a unicycle.
13. I bred crabs with elephants. Now I have little tiny elephants in my pubic hair.
14. I won an arm wrestling contest with Rick Allen. (Def Leppard drummer)
15. I started producing "vienna sausages" shortly after I performed my frist "botched circumcision."
16. I went to the darkside once. And my sith name Darth Maulloy was too similar to another popular sith. So to avoid legal troubles within the Empire, I went back to taking up jedi. Now I play with my lightsaber all day.
17. If you look up "Shawn Malloy" in the dictionary............. You’re fucking dumb. Why the hell would there be a definition for me in the dictionary?
18. I was once in an art class with only Asian people. Our first assignment was to draw self portraits. All of us ended up drawing the same picture.
19. I like to play Spin The Bottle at family reunions.
20. I cry when I peel onions... because I get sad. I’m very sympathetic toward vegetables
21. One time when I was hanging upside down by my feet,... I got the idea to market colorful candy shelled chocolate pieces... called "W&W’s."
22. I use fish for bait. Not for bigger fish. I just want my worms back. Trade backs?
23. I tried anal sex once. It hurt.
24. I invented braille license plates.
25. I own a restaurant chain called TGI Black Friday. Our menu consists of fried chicken, and grits. Kool Aid Margaritas.
Chat with me on AIM! - Forry Dorrah
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