"If size doesn't matter, how come women's vibrators aren't three inches and crooked?" - Doug Stanhope
Ever want to get your dog a sex-change operation?:
Ever had a weird pregnancy test experience? Well, we all have, but this bad?:
How about that girl you dated that just gave really bad head?:
What are your thoughts on abortion? Doug's are probably better:
"There aren't any rules for being alive.
Write your Myspace profile on a bathroom wall.
Fuck a lonely person.
Tip heavily at a fast food joint and compliment the chef.
Fill out a comment card complaining that if the higher-ups really cared, that they'd be at the location themselves and that they are demeaning their own employees.
Tell your kid the truth about something that makes them think on a different level.
If you are a bored teenager who's going to vandalize something - spray-paint a parking meter or the lense of a photo-enforced speed-trap instead of some regular guys business.
Tomorrow, give somebody something for free on the job.
Call an 800-Hows My Driving number and tell them that their driving is flawless.
Ask your teacher - politely - why the subject matter at hand is the highest use of your time and how it has been of benefit to them in their own day-to-day lives.
Wave at a cop in traffic like you're old friends rather than avoid eye contact.
Ask for a wheel chair at the airport. Cruise through holiday traffic.
Pick a day and send out blogs and bulletins in your community for everyone to use 100 dollar bills at toll booths. If it catches on, you'll break the bank and they'll have to let people go free for lack of change.
There's a million ways for us to screw the government and the heads of corporations without getting fired or jailed. Find one and spread it around.
Have fun. You die at the end.
What's there to lose?" - Doug Stanhope
