Justice, picking, the number 4...erm, Scientology.
What is your true Aggros calling? Your Result: You're a Picker
You are the most rugged and tenacious of all Aggros employees. Never change, because you're perfect just the way you are. Anyone who calls your personal hygiene into question has a defective nose and should bugger off back to their snooty house, where they eat with their fingers and get out of the bath in order to defecate.
The heads of Aggros so we can crush them like ants. Oh, and Phillip Schofield.* * *This just in: Pickers 4 Justice are great.* * * Tony Blair dies today * * * The PM finally realised that the world would be a better place without him so decided to blow his brains out on national TV * * * One eyewitness reported that the splattered blood and brains on the wall behind him "formed the shape of the American flag." More on this as we get it. * * * "Aggros can cause AIDS" according to a top scientist. * * * The controversial study, completed by Professor Igor von Monnenmeyer at the University of Polesworth, also suggested that Aggros were to blame for climate change, global terrorism, and the lack of flying saucers in sweetshops nowadays. * * * PICKERS 4 JUSTICE NEWS: THE FAIR AND BALANCED CURRENT AFFAIRS SERVICE * * * TO SUBSCRIBE TO P4J TXT ALERTS TXT ALERT TO 64433 * * * TXTS COST £12 PLUS STANDARD NETWORK RATE * * * Celebrity Big Brother cancelled after Jade Goody spontaneously combusts. * * * The 24 year old reality TV star was arguing with fellow housemate William of Orange when she burst into flame. * * * Thus far, no-one has admitted to being sad to see her go. * * * This just in: James Blunt to become Prime Minister. * * * In his suicide note, Tony Blair named the irritating, nasal voiced, upper-class sister-fucking, tumour jockey Blunt as his successor. * * * Since the announcement, riots have broken out in London, Birmingham, Manchester and Swadlincote. * * * Pickers 4 Justice stands by all the freedom fighters and hopes that Cunty Blunty will be executed, French Revolution style, a.s.a.p. * * * Pickers 4 Justice set up myspace site and the world rejoices. * * * Darling, if you're reading this, I ate the last yoghurt in the fridge. * * * I know they were yours as part of your macrobiotic diet, but I was hungry and there was nothing else to eat. * * * As soon as I get paid I'll buy some more. Promise. * * * Love you! * * * Oh God, I'm in some deep shit. * * * This just in: Man who writes headlines on the P4J news ticker is brutally murdered by his girlfriend. * * * Police believe she stabbed him to death after an argument over yoghurt. More on this story as we get it. * * * It's a bit creepy doing a dead man's job isn't it? * * * I don't normally do this, I just make the tea. * * * Oh well, it's a job isn't it? Hopefully it'll get a payrise at least. * * * Breaking News: Pickers 4 Justice freeze all payrises for the forseeable future. * * * Bastards! I'm not doing all this extra work for nothing! I'm going back to my old job and I'm going to piss in your cups of tea! * * * Jesus returns to Earth. * * * In a dramatic scene, Our Lord Jesus Christ returned to Earth this afternoon. Tragically, he was later mauled to death by a Golden Retriever which belonged to a blind man he was trying to heal. "I don't give a stuff who he is, no-one puts Spot out of business" the dog was reported to have said. He was later destroyed. * * * In a statement, God condemned the people of Earth. He told a press conference "It's taken me two-thousand f**king years to get him of the house! Two-thousand f**king years! I trust you people with him, and he's back home five minutes later! I was going to turn his bedroom into a games room and everything! I'm never going to get a bastard pool table am I? You people make me sick, I wish I'd never created you. * * * Riverdance is postponed after Dr Stephen Hawking pulls out of the lead role. "He's got the flu" said a spokesman earlier today. * * * My God, this cup of tea tastes like piss! * * * Breaking News: P4J tea boy killed by a lynch mob after he was found urinating in their drinks. * * *
Music is a decadent folly, a distraction by the corporate oligarchy, keeping the people docile while they wreak their capitalistic havoc on the world. I do like Snow Patrol, though. Their dull, inoffensive take on indie-rock lulls me to sleep at night when I'm tossing and turning, thinking about injustice.
The Disadvantages of Working at Aggros: Now a Major Motion Picture, Showgirls, American Pie V: Big Band Camp Tit Wank, The Erotic Adventures of Charles Dickens
Television is an omnidirectional sludge-pump, a tool the corporate media uses to feed us lies and keep us in check. I do like Philip Schofield though, a silver-haired beacon in a quagmire of filth. His bland, friendly style is a winner for people of all ages, and he makes you feel like he's talking only to you... I want to have intercourse with Phillip Schofield.
The Communist Manifesto, Das Kapital, The Condition of the Working Class in England, The Road to Wigan Pier, The Twilight of the Idols, Jade: My Autobiography
Karl Marx, Freidrich Engels, George Orwell, Phillip Schofield