Crystal! - ProfilesArchive

About Me

Spectacularly mediocre.

My Interests

I nerd for: cheesy jokes, vinyl, reading, writing, naming pets and objects after STDs/communist dictators/pop-culture whores, physics, veganism, -isms, flirtatious senior citizens, squealing over cute animals, cooking, baking, and torpidity. And thesauri. And funny pluralizations.

I'd like to meet:

(Who doesn't, really?)

Music:

Against Me!, Bob Dylan, Creedence Clearwater Revival, Devo, Exploding Hearts, Funkadelic, Grandmaster Flash & the Furious Five, Hum, Indian Summer, Jets to Brazil, Kokomo Arnold, Limp Wrist, Mono, Neutral Milk Hotel, Otis Redding, Pan Ron, Queen, Radiohead, Sigur Ros, Tom Waits, Ugly Casanova, Van Halen, Wreckless Eric, Yaphet Kotto, Zounds. (I know the alphabet!)

Movies:

Amelie, Wayne's World, A Woman is a Woman, Reality Bites.

Television:

The Colbert Report and The Daily Show.

Books:

I read too much. Seriously: I have no social life because I spend my days reading. I'm like the kid in the Neverending Story, but with a better haircut.

Heroes:

Eve Libertine, Amy Sedaris, Lisa Randall, Jonathan Safran Foer, vegan marshmallow creme.

My Blog

Save a Tree, Buy Willie Nelson.

It seems that I exited my mother's womb with a hippie sensibility. It was not a hippie sensibility that implied an inexplicable attraction to tie-dye and incense, nor does it intend to justify heavy u...
Posted by Crystal! on Sun, 01 Jun 2008 08:08:00 PST

I Am An Ethical Sell-Out

As I sit in front of the computer, drinking my tall hazelnut no-whip mocha with the enthusiasm of a sorority rush during hazing, I can't help but think about how much the over-priced designer cof...
Posted by Crystal! on Thu, 24 Jan 2008 05:10:00 PST

I Make Droves of Deceased Alcoholic Writers Ashamed

I don't imbibe alcohol too often. Anyone who has known me for several years remembers a time when I was nearly prohibitionist: even communion wine was not the ...
Posted by Crystal! on Fri, 05 Oct 2007 12:06:00 PST

I would like to get dentures.

I was at work last week (as is often the case, given my schedule) and helping an elderly gentleman. He was a senior citizen who appeared to accessorize his outfits with canes, and I can onl...
Posted by Crystal! on Wed, 15 Aug 2007 08:23:00 PST

Gimme Your Helper T Cells, Please.

It's the beginning of summer: the days are long, the nights are warm and lovely, and the latest strain of temporary-life-ruining viruses are making their rounds. Being that my immunities are only slig...
Posted by Crystal! on Fri, 11 May 2007 03:29:00 PST

The People Versus Paris Hilton

Sartre was really on the right track with his memorable (and perhaps excessively-quoted) last line in No Exit: "Hell is other people." I can relate, so let's review the ...
Posted by Crystal! on Wed, 15 Nov 2006 05:38:00 PST

Crystal Attempts to be Scholastic; Rants About Touched By an Angel

When Touched By An Angel was a hit show (this was, according to imdb.com, in 1994), the masses did not piss and moan about a violation of church and state. Im not sure any ardent atheists were f...
Posted by Crystal! on Fri, 25 Aug 2006 11:47:00 PST

She's a jagged little pill.

The funny thing about Alanis Morrissette (besides her eccentric spiritualism) is that no one can bring up the music she's created without bringing up her 1997(ish) hit "Ironic."And, as soon as that so...
Posted by Crystal! on Wed, 26 Jul 2006 04:45:00 PST

I hate you, Nintendo.

We have a Gameboy Advance on display at my work with Supermario 2 in it. In that game, you can choose to play as Mario, Luigi, Toadstool, or Princess Peach. All of their skill levels are listed below...
Posted by Crystal! on Mon, 03 Jul 2006 08:29:00 PST

Fuck you, Nabisco.

I could have eaten applesauce today, but I didn't. As I stared at my prepackaged cup of sugar-and-apple mush, I pondered the promises the cup contained: an apple a day keeps t...
Posted by Crystal! on Sat, 06 May 2006 10:11:00 PST