NAKED STU

A cack-handed compound of the following elements:
"Workshy Fop"
"Pretty Boy"
"The Finest Goalkeeper Wigan has ever spawned"
"Worzel Gummidge with cheekbones"
"Former Amateur Potter"
"Superstar DJ"
"Borderline Tramp"
"T.V. Gold"
"Stinkin' Longhair"
"Nifty Driver"

I currently reside in Wigan's up 'n coming Springfield area in a swish lovenest with my beloved Katy Lamb.

Having successfully ostracised myself from the student body of a nearby university, I am now at something of a loose end and usually busy myself with trips to local charity shops and public conveniences

I am involved in a trio of musical projects, the foremost of which is "The Maladies of Bellafontaine" for whom I bang drums. However, I still have grave misgivings about the band name. I am also a component of instrumental prog-metal popsters "Backflips For Jesus" and my highly anticipated "Whitley Cock" solo project is simmering away nicely.

I can be regularly seen/heard on Sky Sports Extra, where I enlighten nylon-wearing knuckle draggers throughout the land with my football-related jabber.

I once encountered Justin Timberlake on a jet. The exact specifics of the incident and too complex to divulge here but the experience left him shaken to such an extent that he immediately embarked on a lengthy career hiatus from which he is now struggling to emerge.

Along with Thug Andy and Dylan I enjoy excercising my right of passage into abandoned buildings of significant cultural and historical importance. We have previously nosed around The Ritz Cinema and Billinge Hospital. I am moist with anticipation at the prospect of discovering what is buried beneath Wigan's Olympic Swimming Pool.

I spent the majority of Summer 2006 locked in my room constructing a World Cup Wallchart whilst enjoying Treat Williams' performance in "Our New Life In Everwood".
Ultimately, the tournament was a massive disappointment and is now but a distant memory. However, Treat's portrayal of Dr Andrew "Andy" Brown shall forever hold a special place in my heart.

In 1992, or thereabouts, a group of chums and I were mooching through Wigan's notorious Beech Hill district. I successfully digested a Fruit Pastille without chewing, therby proving that Rowntree's Confectionary are full of shit. The incident is still talked about in some circles.

In 1993 I attended an INXS record signing at the Virgin Megastore in Liverpool. Once the band's signatures had been obtained I leant over the desk and shook Michael Hutchence's right hand. Four years later Mr Hutchence used the very same extremity to pleasure himself whilst hanging from a hotel doorknob. Is there a link?
Almost certainly.

In 1998 I attended the Rugby League Challenge Cup Final at Wembley Stadium. I had been drinking steadily throughout the morning and was riding high on a wave of cup fever outside the stadium prior to the match. It was at this point that T.V.'s own John Craven walked past. In a good-natured attempt to spread a little Cup Final cheer I bellowed a friendly "Oi, Craven!" in his direction. The look of fury with which he responded to my sociable acknowledgement left me stunned, as it was in complete contrast to his sensible yet pleasant on-screen persona. Naturally, the incident is still talked about in some circles. But what can be learnt from my encounter? The following: Next time you happen upon Countryfile and witness Craven cross-examining a shepherd DO NOT BE FOOLED, for he has a heart blacker than the night and no time whatsoever for Joe Public. The irony being that he would now love nothing more than to swap his so-called "T.V. career" for mine. I'm still waiting for my apology Craven!

A couple of christmases ago I was in the Manchester branch of Paperchase, purchasing gift tags and such. Whilst queuing I idly peeked over my shoulder to weigh up my fellow patrons. Who was stood behind me? None other than Phil Oakey of The Human League. Just then a second till was opened and crafty Phil made a move to overtake me and enter into a transaction with the member of staff at the newly opened cash register. As quick as a flash I leapt into action and beat Mr Oakey to the till, leaving him with the embarassment of having to mooch back into line and watch me victoriously paying for my festive goods. I don't think I need to tell you that the incident is still talked about in some circles.

I recently DJ'ed at the 30th birthday bash of one Karen Southworth.
In-between pleasuring the crowd with choice cuts of gloopy prog, I took to the dance floor and threw a handful of angular shapes.
Alas, my Robo-Frug moves went completely over the heads of everyone present and I was accused by many of having "lost my groove"!
Little did they realise, my moves were all the rage in downtown Budapest, circa 1981.
Stu wins again!
Taken from 1981's "Whomp That Sucker" LP, this failed to chart in the same year that Olivia Newton-John's "Physical" shifted by the tanker-load!
Yet further testament to the fact that, by and large, the record buying public are inherently cretinous.
Weekdays
3pm
Discovery RealTime - Sky Channel 250
Thinking about constructing a hydrolic mezzanine floor in your toolshed?
Want to know how to install a wishing well in your kitchen?
This'll learn you!
Behold Nathan and his band of cack-handed minstrels banging out one of T.V.'s most enduring themes.
Shortly after this was took Nick Nick Higham stomped downstairs in his duds and gave us all a bollocking.