I am Decadence, better known as Luke. I am not a great writer, so as much as I would like to tell you about myself, I'm afraid what I will say might be misinterpreted.
I do not see myself as a deep or complex person. More so just someone with a lot of different levels. Most of you will only see the first few, while a couple of you may nearly reach the core.
I feel like I am contradicting myself through writing all of this, as how I am perceived by people is quite different to how I perceive myself. Such is one of Mankinds downfalls, the ability to be completely ignorant to both one and anothers feelings/thoughts and careless to them as well.
I am a Depressed Pessimistic Misanthrope at heart, I believe nothing we do has any real value in the long run. I rarely try at anything in life, as I always end up asking myself 'Whats the point?'. I am deeply saddened at the state of the world, which further adds to my thoughts of 'What good does it do?'. My trust in humans, and belief that we as a whole could better ourselves is nothing but a fantasy and dream. Humanity is a weed, one The Universe could do far better without. Despite this, I do have a select few people I actually classify as friends. Most others are mere associates. I do care for these people, and they are one of the few things that keep me existing. Sadly, I think the level of appreciation I show towards them is not significant. On the other hand, I feel dissonant and isolated from everyone else. I am never comfortable being with people, and social interaction as a whole is scary. I respect others, even if I dont like them, or they do not deserve respect. I dont think I could explain why I am kind to others when for the majority of my life all I have found in return was dissapointment.
I am an animal lover. To see or hear about an animal being abused or tortured in any way makes me feel sick and breaks my heart. I own two dogs myself, Leo and Richmond. I adore both. I once owned a cat named Pierre which died of cancer, a dog named Tassy that died of a heart attack and another dog named Max that grew too old to move, so we had to put him down. My grandfather once owned a large collection of birds, which I could hear from inside the house. I came home one day and they had all been let free. When I was small I would go to a farm and ride two horses, the name of one escapes me, but another I called Spider because it was white and had black spots.
I try to contribute to help make the environment a better place in my own little way. I do not litter, and try to stop others from doing the same. It just seems so idiotic and unfathomable that someone cannot put a piece of rubbish in their pocket until they pass by a bin, or walk a few metres to put it in. Have we become so lazy that the action of putting rubbish away is now an epic quest that takes weeks of preparing for the task to ensue?
I am not religious at all and am unsure if I believe in a higher power. I put my faith in nothing and no one beside myself.
Music is my life and passion. It is the main thing I live for. Listening to music is the closest to heaven and utopia I think I will ever get. It provides another world for me to enter, one where I can escape the realities of this one. I am thankful for finding the music I enjoy now. For most it seems like noise or static. For me it makes it all that more special to know others cannot see the beauty hidden behind the curtains.
I enjoy the scent of damp forest trees, the perfume around her neck and the smell of whiteboard markers. I wish I lived where it snowed, some place else where I could walk outside without getting looks or whispered comments.
Despite all wretched things in this world, I doubt you will ever see me angry. I hide this emotion, as its one better left unseen. I am calm in most cases, and always try to think things through to a reasonable conclusion. Though it may come as a shock after reading this, I do have a sense of humour, and I do laugh. Being sad all the time in front of others isnt going to help and might bring them down as well. I do not take my misery out on others, though some might very well deserve it.
I do not smoke and I do not drink.
I write poetry when I can, it helps to calm and keep my mind off things. To my discontent I am terrible at writing stories, though sometimes I try.
I'd like to find pleasure in the things everyone else does. I would like it if I didnt have these particular tastes and opinions on things. I'm sure it would make life a lot easier if I could just conform. I'm not trying to say I'm the ultimate rebel, or anything like that. Its just most of the time, I dont do what they expect or want me to do. I do not go out of my way to try and be a nuisance and stand up for myself, like I said earlier... why try? I do what's easiest and the least hectic.
I dont think I can properly deal with reality, as it all seems like one long dream (Or should I say nightmare). The way things work and happen just seems so wrong. I have a tendency to not let go... Whether it be grudges, the more ugly side of love, resentment, jealously, etc. These seem to be the only things I think about, which probably isn't very healthy...
Sometimes I think I'm insane, but why would I be so special? I don't know about anything anymore, it all changes and moves too fast.
I am at peace with myself and the world. I have come to the conclusion that nothing is going to change anytime soon. The easiest thing to do is accept it. I accept and realise that 'this is life'.I am waiting for something, I dont know what. But I'm waiting for something... something tells me I need to keep going. Something tells me I need to hold on.
Thank you.
