Jessica profile picture

Jessica

I can feel it in my nuggets!

About Me

Smart ass. Omnivore. Persistent carrier of chapstick. Damn fine cook. Curses like a sailor, but manages to still spit and throw like a girl. Quite an extensive vocabulary. Looks young...often acts her age...and her shoe size. Ardent believer in cartoons -- not just for the a.m. anymore! Grape Nuts for breakfast and stir fry for lunch. Postcard sender. Fond of pigtails (the hair, not the swine). Reportedly, not anti-Pig. Sassy. Arty, without being farty. Retainer of useless trivia knowledge and/or pertinent movie quotes. All about wood stove heat and water with bubbles. Bubbles make her happy. Good music makes her dance. Refuses to eat dinner on a first date. Kooky. Most excellent bowler! Dorkier than you. Never mean and hardly ever rude. Smarter than your average monkey. Reportedly, not anti-monkey. In love with the written word. Hopeful. Hopeless. Unable to parallel park. Talker. Listener. Child of rednecks -- though no where near one herself. All in all, a mystery...wrapped up in an enigma.

My Interests

I would be interested to know why my nose always runs after I brush my teeth. If you don't haul anything but your butt or your groceries...I am interested to know why you bought a Humvee. Here's an interested tidbit...low fat foods...does it cost THAT much to not add the fat? Because, honestly, I don't see the need for the high rate of increase. Really. Most of all, I am interested in why you think you're interesting. Can you burp the periodic table of the elements? Did your mother invent folding lawn chairs? Are you afraid of small airborne rodents? Come on people, fess up! This is what the internet's for. That, and porn.

I'd like to meet:

Will Ferrell (I'll forgive Bewitched...but it's gonna be hard). Chuck(s) Palahniuk and Klosterman. That cute guy that works at Starbucks. Vince Vaughn (but only if he makes Owen Wilson come too...so I can kill two birds with one stone). The man who invented I Can't Believe it's Not Butter...spray. Mary Roach. Jasper Fforde. J. J. Abrams (that man is a TV God among mere mortals!). I wouldn't kick Keith Urban outta my bed for eating crackers. Banksy (if you don't know him, you should). Amy and David Sedaris!! Stewie Griffin (don't give me crap...I know he's a cartoon...but I still think we'd have a good time). Jane Austen. The Dude (or, El Duderino...if you're not into that whole brevity thing). Santa Claus and God -- together, at once. The tweakers who stole my car (just to thank them). Seeing as I won't win the cosmic lottery (...looks like the Chucks and Will are away from the phone) I guess I'm up for meeting random Earthlings. If you're (a) non-creepy (b) an enjoy-er of the film de cinema OR (c) just bored -- give me a shout.

Music:

It's all about the Sirius. Death to terrestrial radio!!

Movies:

"I woke up in a Japanese family's rec room...and they would not stop screaming."

Television:

Lost makes me pack extra granola bars when I fly. Family Guy always makes me giggle -- even if I've seen it a gillion times. I loathe reality TV. I also loathe (in a lesser degree) hospital shows. Grey's Anatomy is not a hospital show. Mike Rowe and his Dirty Jobs can make me a happy gal. I can get sucked into Mythbusters pretty damn easy. Reno 911! is reason enough to get up in the morning. I work out every morning whilst watching The Food Network...I hope it's not counterproductive. Arrested Development...RIP...sob...hiccup...sob. And right NOW...you MUST google...Pants Off Dance Off. Trust me, you'll probably hate it, but realize, this is what makes America grand.

Books:

I have made my living selling the written word. Don't knock it...retail is at best, a tricky beast...but this is where papercuts go to die. I read too much, too often, and at inappropriate intervals. I actually have a car book. If I had a bigger purse, I'd have a purse book too. Recommendations gladly given (as well as accepted) -- free of charge.

Heroes:

Know thy inner Kramer.

(The ridiculous wacky neighbor version, naturally. NOT the icky racist spouting one. Duh.)

Sorry, Bob...but I still want to have Will Ferrell's children.

'I now believe that the only way in which Americans can rise above their ordinariness, can mature sufficiently to rescue themselves and to help rescue their planet, is through enthusiastic intimacy with the works of their own imaginations.' -- Kurt Vonnegut

My Blog

I am easily amused.

Seriously. I am.Because this...http://www.cnn.com/video//video/offbeat/2007/08/01/vo .philippines.prison.dance.reutAlmost makes me want to get into a Phillippino prison. Almost....
Posted by Jessica on Thu, 02 Aug 2007 08:53:00 PST

Google is god (not THE God, but close)

I love the internet!I have seen Britney's lady parts and I'm suddenly worried that they seem red and irritated. Yet, I am secretly honored that she has the same LG model of phone that I do.I will n...
Posted by Jessica on Sun, 31 Dec 2006 10:49:00 PST

You must choose, but choose wisely.

Apparently, my booknerdiness knows no bounds, and Kathryn knows that. Am I transparent or what? In my effort to be a team player, here it goes!My very nearest book is a dictionary. While useful and...
Posted by Jessica on Sun, 08 Oct 2006 01:17:00 PST

I tried...

...to watch 'Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector'.I'm getting ahead of myself. I didn't rent it. I didn't support Larry in any of his endeavors. I didn't {CHOKE} buy it. The library's my game, a...
Posted by Jessica on Fri, 15 Sep 2006 08:33:00 PST

Halloween Reads

In honor of the impending spookiness, I thought I'd slap together a little reading list. There will be no quiz...so don't worry about taking notes...just sit back, wipe the pumpkin goo off your hands...
Posted by Jessica on Sat, 29 Oct 2005 03:05:00 PST

My unborn children

Is it wrong to love your new car more than your unborn children? After a recent thoughtless act of theft at the mall...I bought a new car. You see, it's really quite impossible to hitch it anywher...
Posted by Jessica on Tue, 27 Sep 2005 04:56:00 PST