SoulSearcher profile picture

SoulSearcher

all feelings and memories also need a home

About Me

EVERYBODY PLEASE: DO NOT IMITATE ANY OF THE IMAGES
AND RESPECT THE COPYRIGHT!!!
You will find everything you want to know about me on this site. And maybe one day you can tell me what there is to say about me. This is not a site about whining or complaining, but about searching and expressing. It is about revealing truthfully all those things that I have never or hardly ever shared before. This is about my life and my experiences, and all those emotions that for years I despised having, but that make me ?me?!
I am searching to find myself, to look beyond the pain I have endured in my life. I look at the core of a human, to find who they are and search out those who believe in what they want and who realize that this is the most important thing about life: to understand, respect and accept each other without trying to change one another.
Having made some negative experiences I am very careful about who I let in!!! If I am not reacting to someone's request send me a message so I can get to know you a little better first and then still decide. I want to keep this place safe for myself but first of all, for my inner child.
1. YEARS OF CONFUSION
The Beginning
Everlasting Divergence?
Reality In Words
Servant Of Lies
Just Another Lesson
Yes I Would II
One Step Back
Despicable Angel
Seeking Harmony
Not Good Enough
Without A Reason?
Disgraceful Angel
Memories Of My Grandfather 2. YEARS OF SILENCE

Why?
No Time For Fear
Not Real
Indepted Stupid Angel
A New Danger
Imperfect Angel
Confused Angel
Precious Change
Mind Control
If I Had Just Died
Silent Law
Wrong Fears?
For My Little Sister

3. YEARS OF DETERMINATION AND DESPAIR
A New Change
Determination Versus Condemnation
Nightmares instead of dreams
Crushed strength - First moment of weakness
Everything positive has a downside
Strength of mind
The beginning of a new life?
The first time hurts the deepest
Still a shameful secret
Doing just fine?
Revelation
No true end, no true beginning
A dream dying 4. YEARS OF SELF-DESTRUCTION AND SEARCHING
Letter to my mother
Moving on
Not letting go of my mask
Visible cracks
Nothing but a slave
Let's not talk but eat
Puppet on a string
New prospects
Tired of fighting, tired of life ... again
Shit! - Still alive!
An illusionary chance?
Falling off the roller coaster
Moving away from the edge 5. YEARS OF CRACKING UP
New resolutions
Dismissing reality
Guilt versus despair
"Mind-fucking" love
Entering and leaving the vicious circle again
Losing hope and direction
Hitting rock bottom
What next?
Not an easy "prey"
An exceptional friend
A step with unpredictable consequences
The trouble starts
Hell is still around the corner 6. YEARS OF FIGHITNG AGAINST MYSELF
Starting from scratch
The real journey starts
Bound by a vow
Going against my "rules"
What doesn't kill you
Slipping off a line
Talking is ridiculous
Longing for old times
Another year lost
Ruthless convictions
A new strategy
Turning inside
2007
Feeling "Immobilized"
Bad news and decisions
Update
Going back to my roots
First confrontation
Sometimes all it takes is a sincere hug
Will I ever ...?
How can I have faith/trust in what I do not feel?
When one door closes another one opens
Moving away from the inner distress
Positively speechless ;)
There is always a "positive" side
Love versus pain
THOUGHTS AND PROCESS
Reflecting 1
Reflecting 2
Insignificant Significance
Reflecting 3
Reflecting 4
Not A Question Of Blame
Reflecting 5
The trap of forgiveness
Healing asks the truth!
On my side
SOME SORT OF FUTURE AHEAD (?)
Was it right or wrong?

My Interests

I'd like to meet:

I have already met the people I wanted and needed to meet - without them maybe realising it. It is just time that they really get to know me and that is why I am here. However, I am always curious about people who are not scared to dig under the surface and to enter the dark rooms of a soul too, without experiencing it as a burden.

Books:

# Alice Miller - THE BODY NEVER LIES / THE DRAMA OF THE GIFTED CHILD / THE TRUTH WILL SET YOU FREE / BANISHED KNOWLEDGE / BREAKING DOWN THE WALL OF SILENCE / FOR YOUR OWN GOOD / THOU SHALT NOT BE AWARE / THE UNTOUCHED KEY # J.Young+J.Klosko - REINVENTING YOUR LIFE # Thomas A. HARRIS - I'M OK - YOU'RE OK # Steve Farmer - ADULT CHILDREN OF ABUSIVE PARENTS # Eliana Gil - OUTGROWING PAIN # Janet Woititz - ADULT CHILDREN OF ALCOHOLICS / STRUGGLE FOR INTIMACY / HOME AWAY FROM HOME (THE ART OF SELF-SABOTAGE) # Charles L. Withfield - HEALING THE CHILD WITHIN # Wayne Muller - LEGACY OF THE HEART # Ellen Bass + Laura Davis - THE COURAGE TO HEAL # Sandra Butler - CONSPIRACY OF SILENCE # S. Fraser - MY FATHER'S HOUSE (A MEMOIR) # E. Sue Blume - SECRET SURVIVORS # Renee Frederickson - REPRESSED MEMORY # Judith Lewis Herman - TRAUMA AND RECOVERY # Jane Middleton.. - CHILDREN OF TRAUMA / AFTER THE TEARS (RECLAIMING THE PERSONAL LOSSES OF CHILDHOOD) # Ira Brenner - PSYCHIC TRAUMA # P. Greenacre - TRAUMA, GROWTH AND PERSONALITY # C.R.Figley - TRAUMA AND ITS WAKE (THE STUDY AND TREATMENT OF PTSD) # H.M.Lynd - ON SHAME AND THE SEARCH FOR IDENDITY # G. Kaufman - SHAME, THE POWER OF CARING # Susie Orbach - HUNGER STRIKE # Mary Pipher - HUNGER PAIN # R.L.Palmer - ANOREXIA NERVOSA # S. Macleod - THE ART OF STARVATION # Marilee Strong - A BRIGHT RED SCREAM # Tracy Alderman - THE SCARRED SOUL # K.Trautmann + R.Conners - UNDERSTANDING SELF-INJURY # M. Stone - JOURNAL OF PERSONALITY DISORDERS # A.R.Favazza - SUICIDE AND LIFE-THREATENING BEHAVIOUR # Ginny NiCarthy - GETTING FREE (OF ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS) # Karen Johnson - TRUSTING OURSELVES # Robert Subay - LOST IN THE SHUFFLE # A.E. Mallinger + J. DeWyze - TOO PERFECT # Jonathan Grayson - FREEDOM OF OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDERS # Lee Baer - GETTING CONTROL # Marilyn J. Sorensen - LOW SELF-ESTEEM (MISUNDERSTOOD) # Boris Cyrulnik - GHOSTS FROM THE PAST (Les murmure des fantómes) # Ernest Hartmann - BOUNDARIES OF THE MIND # Stone+Stone - EMBRACING OURSELVES BIOGRAPHIES/LITERATURE # Janet Frame – AN ANGEL AT MY TABLE # Jennifer Lauck – BLACKBIRD / STILL WATERS # Dave Pelzer – A CHILD CALLED IT – THE LOST BOY – MY NAME IS DAVE # Camilla Gibb – MOUTHING THE WORDS # Marya Hornbacher – WASTED # Dr. Drew Pinsky – CRACKED # Maya Angelou – I KNOW WHY THE CAGED BIRD SINGS # Amy S. Wilensky – PASSING FOR NORMAL # Heather Lewis – HOUSE RULES # Gwyneth Lewis – SUNBATHING IN THE RAIN # Stephanie Grant – ALICE’S PASSION # F.R.Schreiber –SYBIL # Laura Donaforte – I REMEMBERE MYSELF # M. Morris – IF I SHOULD DIE BEFORE I WAKE # Margaret Dickson – MADDY’S SONG # Alice Walker – THE COLOUR PURPLE # Toni Morrison – THE BLUEST EYE# H. Wassomo – THE HOUSE WITH THE BLIND GLASS WINDOWS (THE TORA BOOKS)

Heroes:

All people who do not let their spirit be broken by anything or anyone!

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com

My Blog

Another door closed but not locked

This morning I noticed that I did start to feel tensed about meeting A. so I figured the sooner we took care of things the better. I messaged him and he agreed to come to pick up his things. I did fee...
Posted by SoulSearcher on Sat, 06 Oct 2007 04:01:00 PST

Fearful ... update

My last weeks have been & hm, a bit of a blur I guess. Unfortunately I am stuck again in my binges and keep wondering just how to get back what I only recently had found within me.   Frankly, I ...
Posted by SoulSearcher on Mon, 17 Sep 2007 11:42:00 PST

I am not enjoying it

... but that is what life lately feels and is like to me ...        ...
Posted by SoulSearcher on Mon, 30 Jul 2007 12:54:00 PST

Nothing yet everything to lose

Facing my inner child still always leaves me wishing I could just disppear. I suppose that is what facing the truth does because it triggers so much grief, pain, shame ... and the ...
Posted by SoulSearcher on Tue, 17 Jul 2007 09:09:00 PST

But when will I know?

    Know how      Just for a split of a second I can sense emotions knocking at the door. Desperately they try to break down the defence like they have done before.   Th...
Posted by SoulSearcher on Sat, 07 Jul 2007 08:42:00 PST

Just 5 minutes ...

Thanks to Louise's tip I made an appointment with my doctor today.   I took me almost the entire week to find that moment of strength to call because I really have an enormous aversion to doctor...
Posted by SoulSearcher on Fri, 22 Jun 2007 05:56:00 PST

Despair cannot beat determination

I do not feel very strong at this point but my determination has definitely returned!  I (will) keep fighting back ...      ...
Posted by SoulSearcher on Fri, 11 May 2007 05:48:00 PST

There is always a "positive" side

I remember my art therapist telling me, maybe some 4 years ago, that in order to heal I need to tell my story probably a hundred times. She said something like, that only by sharing and receiving feed...
Posted by SoulSearcher on Fri, 11 May 2007 05:44:00 PST

Beyond

I keep feeling like I need a break but every day I realise that the stupid thing is, I cannot take a break from myself! I wish I could but & even though I am not pondering about specific issues the un...
Posted by SoulSearcher on Thu, 03 May 2007 10:18:00 PST

A risk worth taking?

     
Posted by SoulSearcher on Wed, 18 Apr 2007 08:43:00 PST