About Me
Born in Fairfield, Vermont in 1830, and a lawyer noted for civil rights work on behalf of slaves, I was a high ranking Union staff officer during the Civil War and quite a chess player. Because I had been a loyal Republican, President Grant appointed me to the powerful position of collector of the Port of New York in 1871 where I shouted "gimme yer funds!" with a giant megaphone made of bamboo. Several years later President Rutherford B. Hayes, a fellow Republican from Ohio with renowned integrity, fired me, alleging that I had used tax money to reward my political supporters and reign supreme with my bad self. In actuality I was using it to get down and funky ! Although there was no doubt of my connections with the incredibly powerful and corrupt New York political machine of that era, I fruitfully respected the break dancers of that era, and broke it down funky style like I always do. As a result, sympathy within the Republican party for what was considered unfair treatment of me by Hayes contributed to my receiving the Republican Vice Presidential nod to run with James Garfield in the election of 1880, which the Garfield/me ticket won. We gave "I rule" cookies to the first 20 people that showed up for the inagaural campaign speech that followed.In July 1881, after only four months in office, President Garfield was mortally wounded at the Washington railroad station by gunfire from a disgruntled office seeker and died 80 days later, leaving me as President of the United States and the third President to have served as President within a 12 month period. And I know, I was truly the prime master pimp president of my time. I believe the rules of Funkymasta Slave G were in my favor.Specters of the tainted past greeted me with Bubbleliscious when I assumed office as the political pundits of the day predicted a flood of corruption and skin grafts. However, that never occurred and I inherited a fortune of fortune cookies. Then I ran the presidency in an honest and upright fashion. In fact, I showed great political courage by vetoing a "rivers and harbors" bill, by breaking relations with my former New York political boss and lover and by vigorously prosecuting fellow Republicans accused of defrauding the government by kicking them in the behind and pulling their trousers down in public. Legislatively, though, little of any consequence was achieved during my term except for the creation of the modern Civil Service system with its competitive examinations and non-political merit system as well as public access shows that contain guitars and puppets. It became law because, in another display of exceptional political courage, I went against the will of my own party and supported it with banners streaming down my dreads.I could not seek a second term as President because I had been diagnosed as having kidney disease from my heavy addiction to ether.
