Music:
Member Since: 8/31/2006
Band Website: holdontoyourteeth.com
Band Members: Simon Ridley
As discussed elsewhere, the less said about him the better really.
Jarrad Payne
The drummer. But not a stereotypical drummer! He plays in time. He plays other instruments. He has incredibly managed to become the first person to cross the Atlantic Ocean in an Automobile. But a humble man is Jarrad, and unlikely to admit to such great feats. Other achievements include establishing the first hospital rehabilitation ward for sarcastic household electronic items that love too much. The needy toaster. The desperate, ivory related product-polishing machine. The hair-curling wand with the longing look in its eyes. Additionally, Jarrad is a real musician; trained and competent, ready and willing. He plays in other bands such as Salty, Fud and The Swan Song Release semi-Christian rhythm-o-phone duo-tet. No one has ever heard the final band listed, however it is rumoured that they once supported Def Lepard in a cave located in the outer reaches of Celtic Scotland during the late 1980s. Having completed a solo album, and sporting a cracking pair of shins (which he often uses to fend off the more evil of woodland creatures), his legend is known throughout the land. I demand that you visit his website immediately.
Stuart Earl
Keen to play the saxophone, forced to play the keyboard, coerced into manipulating the theremin. Stuart was exhumed from the afore-mentioned cardboard box. No one knew that he had been residing there. But his time inside the cardboard box was well spent. After hundreds of years learning the ways of the box, the political intricacies and the cultural tensions, the man now known as Stucifer rose to the top of the society. He commanded great armies and was a legendary Casanova figure. But soon the confines of the box became tiresome. He bade the inhabitants farewell and travelled to the Adelaide jazz scene where I stole him. He is mine now. You are too.
Lyndon Gray
Once described by Harpers magazine as one of the foremost thinkers in arrangement and composition it appeared that all would be well if this fiend was recruited. But you must read the fine print. I implore you; read the fine print. I command that you and your children read the small print. Or I will cut you. The claims of Composition and arrangement referred to that of superfluous body parts of handicapped children! This was the talent that the young man in question was being lauded for in the publication mentioned! (Should have read the whole article.) While I would never suggest that assisting children born with web feet or extra long forearms to find new and inventive ways to make their appendages appear more like attractive accessories is pointless, it would have been helpful if it had been pointed out that his skills of composition and arrangement lay in this particular sphere before he joined the band. I appreciate that his work in turning frowns up side down is well recognized, but watching him mangle the bass is only comparable to watching a midget slowly removing all the unnecessary puppy fat rolls from their body with a rusty vegetable peeler. We reached a conclusion that the best course of action would be to masking tape the bass to the back of his head. Its a double bass.
Dean
Dean is not Dean. He has only occupied the same punctual location of Dean for a short period of time and on either side of this snippet of temporal abnormality is, simply, the greater ether of his being. Dean has come to occupy various forms over the ages. For a short while he was Errol Flynn. He is no longer due to copyright complications. Fortunately during this incarnation he learnt not only the basic skills of wearing a thin moustache, leaping from chandeliers and remarkable swordsmanship, he managed to convince the skin he was in to relinquish ownership of its cheekbones, which he has remained in possession of to this day. The skin was a fool to make such a deal, especially as Dean only offered the skin a weekend pass to Dream world in return. Dream world was not to be constructed for another 38 years! Would the good people of this establishment be likely to let a skin suit without even a skerrick of cheekbone into such a fine establishment? I think not! Consequently, the skin has since been listlessly drifting upon the whimsical winds, singing the song which used to give it strength but now only serves as a cruel and bitter reminder of what used to be. If on a crisp winter’s eve you should hear it whispered on a distant breeze do not fear it, it can smell fear, and may come to encase you. Be wary; the song is as follows:
“Skin, skin, skin, skin. Keeps the outsides out and the insides in.â€
Dean Fioretti also plays bass. Do we have two bass players?
David Telfer
David is new. Shining and new, just like Goldie Hawn’s forehead. So what does this statement mean? Is Dave new? Perhaps he appears to be new but secretly he has been lurking in the public eye since the early 1940’s. Perhaps Dave is a double agent. But for whom? And why? And to what end? What purposes could he possibly have for infiltrating the tight and occultish circle of Satan’s Cheerleaders? It doesn’t really matter because unbeknownst to “David Telfer†the evil magicians have once again come to the rescue. These fine gentlemen, replete with:
“Stove pipe hats,
Splendid Spats,
Hoops and barrels, bags with cats;
A trick for you,
A mystery find,
And eyelids stolen from the blindâ€
(as their motto states) are capable of darkness and, for some time, have been indebted to the Cheerleaders organization. I simply cannot tell you what they have done to Dave. Suffice it to say that they have altered him. And now … he is mine. The only clue that I can give you is that they upgraded his hands so that they may carry out the keyboard related parts of the musical facets of Satan’s Cheerleaders (or “The Organizationâ€). Might one refer to these hands as … cursed hands?
Jamie Mensforth
While striking fear into the otherwise rational hearts of large men with an interest in accounting and a keen nose for hobby farming, the one known only as "Jamie Mensforth" has accomplished much since the turn of the millenium. Striking fear is merely one of his talents. How exactly does one "strike fear" I hear you explode in disbelief, sweat dripping off the end of your nose, signifying that you do find this to be a puzzling and antagonising prospect indeed. And for this disgusting and outragoues display of discourteousness and pitiful ignorance I simply shall thumb my nose at you and set the vilent swine upon your heels! For such inquiries could indicate one thing and one thing only, that you sir are a bounder and a cad!
Jamie also plays bass. Now let me clear something up. That's better. Additionally it may interest you to know that Jamie is not the first bassophonist to serve within the ranks of the Cheerleaders. no no no. Jamie is in fact the one thousand, six hundred and seventy seventh individual to carefully mould and project the dark swampy rublings that his instrument (a gigantic piece of aged steak with strings miraculously attached) is capable of into the larger unsuspecting cosmos. And what a fine member he was. We needed only to divide his age by the number of Aztec warriors he brutally slaughtered while "being a spaniard" several centuries ago by the sacred and secret "number of the cheerleader" (which clearly i cannot reveal to you gentle reader) and then place the number, imbued in gold on the anceint bronze altar and wait for the full moon to shine through the sacred moon crystal and then the awesome power of the time ruby will be revealed and with it i will ...
Terribly sorry. I don't know what ever came over me. Suffice it to say that "Jamie Mensforth" is our new, improved and it would appear permanent bassingerist.
Influences: Elvis Presly,
Barry Manilow,
Toni Pearen
Sounds Like: Through the wails of sorrow a single drop could be heard upon the surface of the lake of fire, and after the steam settled upon the blood like goo the silhouette of a row boat grew ever larger and the time of the cheerleaders was now upon us.
Record Label: unsigned
Type of Label: None
