.. "
This is my destiny.Well one of her pictures anyhow.She taught me to love and appreciate life but all that shattered with her death. It took me a looooooong time to become a somewhat positive person. I have some good days, many bad days and some really horrible, break down and cry days.....what can I say? I am human and a grieving mother.
Also feel free to private message me as I have plenty of references I've used also that you might want, need, or feel comfortable with.
This was made for me by My Dawn, in memory of my sister and daughter. It is for my babys golden birthday in heaven my sister celebrates with her. As sad as I am it's better up there for them, so they are sending me all their love with all the balloons from the balloon launches in the last few years
If you ever lost a brother or sister to death, or murder click belew.
loosing a sister or brother
make a memorial website for your loved one
The following are 2 of my favorite blog homes due to their relevance, importance, and reality.
Home Sweet HomeGrieving The Worlds' losses
Myspace Codes: MyNiceSpace.com
and to all of the parents who have no other choice but to try and go on each and every day.
Being a grieving mother is a huge part, scratch that, its my WHOLE persona. I have a web site dedicated to the memory of my daughter.That link is
http://ilovedestiny-perez.memory-of.com.
ATTENTION ALL CURIOUS PEOPLEMy daughter died to carbon monoxide in a house fire the night of April 15 2004. I hate talking about that night but I often do. For an account of what happened please go to her web site or read below. read the whole site. DO NOT MESSAGE ME ASKING DUMB QUESTIONS!!As it is very horrifying and painful it is posted mostly in pieces throughout the site. Therefore, unless you are a grieving parent I probably will NOT answer messages asking me what happened as I feel I posted enough.
BACK TO MY PURPOSE The name of the group I made on myspace for all grieving parents to join is.......
http://groups.myspace.com/inmemoryofourchildren
Please feel free to introduce yourself and post at any time.
I am also running a specific one in memory of Destiny, besides her web site. That link is
http://groups.myspace.com/rememberinglilprincessDestiny
If you knew my daughter, me, or my family feel free to join. I just joined poetrypoem.com and also have a small "site" there. That link is www.poetrypoem.com/hollyortega.I also published my book I wrote. The title of this book is
" Parents For The First Time.....Again".
This book basically reflects my continuing journey through grieving, it also "talks" to the reader and explains the many different emotions this entails.
The book can be purchased at Amazon.com
for my butterfly princess who loved cats so much she had an imaginary one!
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ what happened the night of April 15 2004 this is the whole story, everything I remember anyhow.....I was having a really crappy day and night, to top it off Comed had cut off my electricity (I was 100.00$ short of the bill) I was going to have the money the next day and they would NOT budge. anyhow we decided we needed candles so we lit all the ones we had. we had some lit on the walls(like the entrance to the living room) you know in the decorative candle holders. some tapers, some teacup candles, some in the living room and bathroom.
My husbands son and his son's brother were their (it was spring break) also my best friends kids Yesenia and Eli. Me n my hubby had a disagreement and were arguing. My daughter Destiny and me decided to go to bed early due to the lights being out and it being a little chilly outside. The kids all had those little glowsticks(the ones you put in your mouth) so we went to bed. I was very tired extremely tired due to being 4 and a half months pregnant and also stress.
My baby and me went to my room on the left middle of the house. My husband told the boys to go to sleep in the living room and Claudia layed her kids down in the front room~Destiny's room. My brother Jason, Jorge and Claudia went outside before bed to chill.
Back in my room I layed her(Destiny) on the inside of my left arm as she mumbled to me and rubbed my arm and belly, she kept sighing and I felt so stupid because I had been arguing in front of her. Then I got PISSED she was barely 7 and sitting here worrying about when she should be thinking of her birthday party that was 2 days away! she rubbed my belly and said "mommie today was not such a good day, maybe tomorow(damn)will be a better day" and I lost it!
I wish I could change it and lie but I cant. I yelled at her and told her "shutup! dont worry about it, this is grown peoples problems, you are a little girl when are you going to stop worrying about mommie!?" she let out a big sigh from her tiny little skinny body and turned over to fall asleep.
we started drifting off it was about 10 pm or later I dont know it was dark and I had no electricity. At one point beore knocking out I called her " Destiny, mamas...?Destiny, mamita I'm sorry for yelling at you...".......no answer all she did was moan or mumble. Thats all I remember.
Thats it our last words! Fucking great huh?
out of no where there is a whole bunch of noise and screaming and what sounds like fighting, tumbling on the ground or...? umm maybe pounding on my door?....yes its pounding, is it, was it? these *&^%$#@# there out their partying or making noise while my bills need to be paid, Im pregnant I have to work tommorow is what I was thinking .
I was so tired I cant begin to describe how I felt I was mad and so groggy I felt like someone had gave me a dosage of nyquil. so anyway Im super mad, I get up and removed Destiny off my arm quietly and smoothly to not wake her up. I got up super mad, and warm? well I walk out my room and open the door and close it behind me. (biggest mistake #1 of my life) the boys were their, my husband son and his brother. they looked bewilderd and VERY dirty. Their faces were black they were jumping up and down and they are screaming at me.
I was so mad still thinking of cussing out all the adults and trying to keep awake, I was so sleepy. I walked to the next room and my throat started tingling bad (like when you mix clorox and vinegar, if you never have, dont its deadly) anyhow it was pitch black 15 feet away and glowing? huh? damn Im tired. Finally I yell at the boys to talk to me one at a time. they said "the house is on fire!"
....okay....huh?..
oh shit! it must be the paper on the table or the toilet paper in the bathroom, is what was running through my mind at the moment. I then turned to face the kitchen sink and grad the wash rag so ican turn off whatever fire we had. damn my eyes are burning! I turn to go back where I came from.......THE WHOLE AT LEAST 4 TO 8 INCHES OF THE SIDE OF THE LIVING ROOM ENTRANCE WALL WAS A BLAZE!! MORE THAN A WASH RAG CAN HELPI took a step towards the room and thought of all the kids...shit!
I ran to the outside to call the rest of the adults (biggest mistake ever) and the boys followed (my Destiny was always with me, and they were always with her) when I opened the door it was as if I set off a bomb all the windows exploded and the fire spread to the next room while the noise shattered everyone upstairs awake (Destiny too apperently) My husband and Brother ran in to save the kids.....they went too the first room 12 seconds later I ran back in looking for Destiny, pitch black I was so disoriented in my own house it was black dark acidy and I could fell dry instantly an acidy hot horribly hot intensly acidy feeling all over my body I ran for air by the door hubby realized i didnt have her and I realized w horror he didnt half a minute he ran to the room to get her pushing me away to outside.
she wasnt on the bed!he kept looking meanwhile outside the firemen are holding me back as Im screaming "let me go my fucking house is burning my baby is gonna burn to death!"
all the kids heard me and stared in horror at the flames engulfing the second floor roof, yup that quick. I got loose and ran in I made it a few feet in when all I remember is a guy carrying me and saying " i need an ambulance she passed out and shes pregnant" wheres my kid? they began running out the house pulling my husband too, no Destiny!
I was being held back by civilians and screaming let me go let me go punching and kicking. all of a sudden all the air in my body let out and my heart skipped a beat. ( I honestly believe that was her last breath, dont ask me why just a thing I feel) I said "I need a phone" they were like ma'am we cant let you go and I was like "no I am not going in their" and they are still praying WTF?! who are you praying too, for what?! so I turned and this is when the new me began living and I looked them dead in the eye and said " the fucking roof is caving in, you can all shut up now, shes dead and he aint listening" they stared at me, some of them let their grip go...thank you.
I walked to the neighbors and called my sister and told her what happened, I was in shock and she thought I had a miscarraige because my house was burning.Meanwhile I walk out and the firemen are working oh so slow and all of a sudden all the civilians and neighbors are being moved far away from me. The firemen isolated me away from the kids and asked me, they asked me....oh man they asked me what her dentists name was...........I screamed, even though I felt it earlier it sucked all the life out of me.
I repeated it after falling to the floor and screaming.
after wards a hospital bed covered with a sheet came rolling out of my house and they put the bed in the back of the ambulance. The ambulance stayed put meanwhile a priest or whatever the fuck that man was walked towards meno, leave, dont tell me I dont wanna know...please stop walking near me
he came up to me and said
the man of God the compassionate man said
"we found a child and its dead"
NO she is not a child she is my life, who are you? I screamed. then thy forced me in the ambulance to get oxygen and check my vitals all the kids were already being treated especially the ones that were in the living room.
I asked to see her and they denied me the right then they said I wasnt doing too good and needed to be checked. I said "fuck my life" I asked to see her they said at the hospital, so I got uin the ambulance feeling very dumb and quessy.
once I got their they began treating me for carbon monoxide poisoning and checking the babys (unborn) vitals since I passed out face first on my stomach. I was mad this baby inside me was fine I want my daughter, the one I already know let me see her.
they told me at the hospiytal she wasnt their and I had been lied to. her fathers mother showed (yea ) and started tending to me and asking me questions of course I answered like this for like 2 weeks "the house burned I left outside for help she died" (yea fucking mother of the year award goes too....) all of a sudden more church guys....no wait they have badges and cards? huh?
ma'am sorry for your loss but we are detectives in suspicious deaths and we........"
huh? what the fuck?!well we all survived, she didnt, the house was beyond normal heat wise and burned very fast (all the above I described happened in minutes) so whoopdedoo an investigation....
good I want to know what the hell happened
Then my Jehovah Witnesses wanna come to see me....screw God go away! I feel bad now but not too bad, only for themspread the word tell every religion in this town to leave me alone!
finally after 3 days in the hospital, drama, and her memorial service it was all overthe investigation and autopsy finished
it said she had 97 % carbon monoxide and in her lungsdeath due to carbon monoxide poisoning due to a house fire.
they conducted an investigation and their conclusion was one of the taper candles against the wall(on the decorative candle holder) was cracked, as it began to melt it also was dripping hot wax below on the carpet and wood varnish. It kept melting until it broke off and luck of all my luck stayed lit and ignited the hot wax carpet and wall below. 6 % , 6 fucking percent of tapers supposedly do this. Nice odds all for me! : (
I still find this unbelievably incredulous. I still am mad, sad, and angry. I still cant take it. I may laugh I may be nicer I may even look for this God that seems to need hearing aids from time to time. I can be nice, but this is the story and now you know everything I know, feel, and live everyday of my life.
~ Wow I was feeling angry that day huh? well it comes and goes, thank God I'm working on it.