About Me
I'm rich. Heard of coattails? I rode the shit out of Fucklordson's goddamn coattails all the way to the friggin' bank! Dumb prick. Although, to give myself the credit I deserve, I was a goddamn puppeteer. A goddamn genius. I know the cocksuckers that run the Thirsty Whale, and in '75 when I heard about this "Greenland Glacier Boy", I knew I had a backwoods sucker on my hands. I knew that with that kinda shtick, I was going to be able to ride this douchebag all the way to cockville, if ya get my drift. So I'm thinking of how I'm gonna rope this jagoff, and I know I need a good come-on. Since I got a mind like an iron dildo, it came to me instantly. Cockprick. Cockprick Records. I'm a fucking genuis, like I said. So all nice and gooey and friendly-like, I wrap my arm around his shoulder and I get him real close and I say, "Fucklordson? Hi. I'm Mikey Cicero of Cockprick Records. I've been watchin' you all night, and I don't mind tellin' you, when you guys were up there, I almost shot my greasy load all over that stage. I'm dead serious. Now listen to me real close. Way I see it, you can do one of two things. You can do pretty good the way you're going, cause you're really good. I mean you got that dead weight on drums and bass, but we can deal with that. Or, number two, you can come with me and I can take you big. Huge. Did I say huge? Because I meant I can get you more cash than you can fit in your fuckin' house. You like that? I gots an entire stable of willing suckers who'll do anything I tell 'em. And what I'm gonna tell 'em is that their whole lives are now dedicated to Hans Christian Fucklordson. That's right Fucksie, Megaphone DeadboltTM is gonna take over the world, and you're gonna be king shit of fuck mountian. Whadda ya say?"
What stupid dick that doesn't know his johnson from a rotisserie spit is gonna say no to that?! So I got him signed for life. Didn't I tell you? Genius.
So to make it look like I'm doing something, I get this guy
Luther "Napalm Death" Vandross, (ironically named and nicknamed prior to the inception of either Luther Vandrosss or Napalm Deaths career). I know the prick because he makes this killer burger... so now "Deathsie" is thier tour manager. The next thing I know, they're doing this born-again Billy Graham christ shit. Fuck! I didn't sign on for this stupid shit. I wasn't about to let this go though, so in another goddamn genius moment, I came up with the idea of a producer. I knew Fucksie would never go for it, so I got a guy from the union hall, brought him to the studio and told him it was Quincy Jones. Fucksie wouldn't know Quincy Jones if he bit his prick off, so when he came screaming at me to quit "tampering" I knew I had it in the bag. I just had to wind him up and let him go. Who cares if they didn't sell any records. All the cash that poured in from the tours has kept me high and laid to this day. Some of the money had to go to keeping the boys in Quaaludes, beacuse they were so high they would never know how much I was making. Just a business expense. Like I said, I'm a goddamn genuis.
